Have you ever been in a situation where someone does ________ and you feel special and then you realize the ___________ has been shared with others and suddenly you don’t feel so special anymore? I was thinking personally when I crafted that statement, but the same can apply professionally. For example, let’s say you are given a project and told that the reason for the assignment is the perfect match of your skill set for the demands and goals of the project. Then you discover that the reason for your assignment is any one of many, none of which resemble your talents. A primary example? Availability. You just so happen to be the only person that is perceived as wholly available to handle this particular matter.
If you have never experienced anything like this, god bless you. I don’t want to rain on your parade even a little here, but before you do a celebratory dance, I’d ask you to dig deep. This kind of “I’m not that fucking special” experience comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. As I happen to enjoy stand-up comedy, my mind often goes to the Kevin James skit where he buys a birthday card (or Valentine’s Day card) at the last minute for his significant other and leaves the receipt in the bag, evidencing the last minute nature of the purchase and for extra laughs, the acquisition of a candy bar. Of course, he describes his significant other giving him shit for waiting until the last minute and also using the card purchase as an opportunity to get some candy for HIMSELF. On one hand, brava, he remembered to get the card to begin with and spent the time to pick one out. On the other hand, that kind of afterthought scenario can leave us wanting and wondering. So you see there are all different layers and levels to this special-ness factor and experience.
Still nothing? Well good for you and I don’t mean that sarcastically. If I could wave a magic wand and never experience the aforementioned feeling(s) again, it would be done. For that matter, I would wave the wand over many of the people I hold near and dear, so they could also avoid such nonsense.
Social media has been a blessing and a curse where this phenomenon is concerned. I can’t speak to how men feel, outside of a few friends who have confided in me, but I know MANY women who have gotten caught up in someone’s lavish attention to then realize that it isn’t unique to their interaction with that person. I certainly have. The evidence of the lack of special is usually plastered all over social media (pick your poison).
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that this post is not intended to rouse anger or bitterness. Not even a little. I am sharing a bit of awareness that I’ve stumbled upon in the hopes that maybe it can spread a little of it around. My thought process is not that you will question every single person you engage with or question every action or motive. Rather, I am sharing what I am trying to do which is to have a very realistic appraisal when it comes to who I am to someone and how they might feel about me. I am sure you have heard that whole “it’s someone’s actions, not their words that show you” business a trillion times. I do believe that, but that thought is only useful when you are correctly reading the actions of another person. If you are overthinking, over analyzing, or assigning too much value to someone’s action, then they become no more significant than empty words spoken into a brisk wind.
I also want to be clear that this is not just about how someone acts around us. This is also about how they act generally. Before you are generous with your praise of another human, take a pause to make sure they are deserving of such. This goes back to the post I wrote on giving others credit, but it’s deeper than that. A man who holds a door….a gentleman. A man who holds a door and looks around to see him holding the door….hmmm. A man who holds a door and then tells the story on social media and shares the anecdote on a dating app….hmmm x1000. None of these men described are bad people or evil or terrible. I mean, they might be, but not because of what I’ve described here. It’s just that it would be silly to lavish the same praise on all three men. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons does not negate that the right thing is still done; it is just that we might have to shift what value we assign that action.
Let’s say a man sends me a picture with a dog/child/cute ______. I love the photo and I love that he’s taken the time to share said photo with me. I relish the cuteness and I might even share the tale of such cuteness (or its actuality) with a friend or two. A day later, the same photo is shared on Facebook, Instagram, and/or a dating site, etc. Perhaps irrational, but suddenly the photo is not as cute to me. Suddenly it feels like a ploy to have the whole world think he is cute, rather than appealing just to me. Is it possible that he just really likes the photo? 100%. It is possible that he tests reactions and then uses said photo to reel people in? Sure. Is there anything fundamentally wrong with the latter? Nope. The only issue is how much value I am assigning to the photo/experience when it is first sent to me.
Here is the real kicker…he may not of wanted to send any sort of message when he sent the photo. Like many he was testing to see how it rated, maybe he knows I like cute photos, or maybe there was very little thought altogether. I might not ever know which of these scenarios it was and the truth is that he may not either. The reason behind his action(s) could be entirely conscious or subconscious. All these facts considered, there is a solid argument for neutrality.
I’ve talked about santosha before or contentment with “what is” and I am advocating for a similar approach in “special” situations (small pun intended). However, there is some self-control, self-reflection, and patience required to execute appropriately. I am NOT embarrassed to admit that resisting the urge to overthink is a yeoman’s effort for me. However, I am beginning to understand the subtle art of determining when deeper thinking is appropriate and when it is not. How do I change my go-to? I place my thoughts elsewhere. I remind myself that the other person is likely assigning very little thought to the same situation. I hearken back to how shitty it feels when I’ve assigned actions more credence than they’re due.
This approach, this thought process, this whole post, ties in so much of what I’ve spoken about in other posts. This is about meeting in the middle, giving credit appropriately, and calming the fuck down so red flags or triggers can be appropriately recognized and handled. You are special and you deserve someone who treats you like you are, but the person you want to be that granter of praise and attention, might not be the person. You feel me? As a side thought, when you are singularly focused on the actions of a person who might not be worth all those emotions, you might fail to truly appreciate those that actually are on that level. I don’t have a romantic interest that impresses me with their care and devotion, but I sure have an amazing family and friends who do. I am not diminished because of where and how I receive what I crave. I also recognize the detriment behind seeing someone as you want them to be, rather than as they are in reality.
I am not telling you that just because someone shares a photo with you and then the world that they are self-centered and you mean nothing to them. Not at all. I am simply encouraging you to do as I have done and as I am doing, which is to take that action in the context of your overall relationship with that human and what you really know of them. If they are a little narcissistic, non-committal, flighty, etc. then I might wait before you write back “aww BFFs” to a photo of them with 17 different heart related emojis. Again, you don’t need to write this person off (though you might at some point) but you should place them where they belong in your life, heart, and mind. Understand what they really have to give and don’t expect more than that from them.
This line of attack that I’m describing here is one that will hopefully allow you to avoid some of the disappointment and/or embarrassment that accompany inappropriately appointing yourself VIP in someone’s life. Don’t fantasize over what you might mean to someone. Let them show you what you mean to them. Don’t make more of situation than is warranted, see things exactly as they are in that very moment.
You should know by now that I don’t like the concept of blame in relationships. I like accountability and responsibility. We each play a role and it nearly always takes two to tango. One person might be the perpetrator of harm, but the other person accepts the harm. Not a popular concept but one that I personally subscribe to. Believe what works for you. Thus, in what I am describing here, understand that the person might be doing something that is not sensitive to whom they know you to be (more sensitive, analytical, etc.) but if you are running a full fantasy-land in your head and making things more than they are, that’s on you boo.
If you are not sure where you stand with another person, feel free to ask. Don’t feel comfortable asking? Maybe test the waters a little. I am not suggesting playing games because yeah…vomit emoji. I am simply encouraging you to take a little bit of you time and see if that person takes a step forward when you take a step back. Don’t continue to fuck with them because that’s just unkind, but you will be able to see what’s doing between you. Oh, you should know this by now, but I am also not suggesting that you read into someone who dangles the bait just to make sure you are still ready to grab it at any time. I mean someone who takes a step forward and then stays there, ready to love you/like you/weather your storm, etc. The real deal. You deserve at least that, no?
You are special. As for the people that don’t see it….hand wave emoji. Don’t let the door hit ya’ on the way out.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 