I have been fortunate to travel extensively over the course of my 39 years on this planet. My travel started at an early age thanks to my bad-ass wanderlusty parents and has steadily continued; ranging from day trips to mid-state New York to hiking in the Swiss Alps. I haven’t often traveled with friends and in fact, most of my more ambitious journeys have been solo. Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that a few of my more epic adventures were with my ex. I note this important distinction because that fact is the very foundation of this post.
I’ve spoken before about memories, those that come naturally based on brain chemistry and life experience, and those that are artificially generated by social media and algorithms. Psychology Today advises that “[M]emory is the faculty by which the brain encodes, stores, and retrieves information. It is a record of experience for guiding future action. Memory helps make individuals who they are. Without the help of memories, someone would struggle to learn new information, form lasting relationships, or function in daily life” (Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/memory). Pretty powerful stuff, huh? Particularly when you consider how taxing memories can be. Sure, everyone likes a stroll through an epic surprise party or the best meal ever eaten, but what about the worst heartache ever felt? Not so purty.
So yes, memories are essential guideposts. They can also be a long ride on a struggle bus. Memories can act as a powerful reminder of people we wish we hadn’t met, places we wish we hadn’t been, and ideas we wish we never had. Of course, these memories of regretful incidents and experiences do hopefully shape our future behavior for the better (otherwise known as a learning curve). They can also help foster a genuine appreciation for more positive people and elements that enter our lives. Without the basis of comparison, someone or something may be ‘okay’ but throw in a recollection of total shit and voila, life is grand.
This post is not really about memories in a general sense. Not to worry because I’ve addressed that topic, albeit briefly, and I am sure I will again. I would like to touch on what happens when there is a distinguishable overlap between a “good” memory and a “bad” one. I would like to explore more generally, how we “control” memories. As per usual, I am going to give you a very specific example to ponder and of course it ties into my intro above (ta-da).
My ex and I took quite a few international and domestic trips together. Ironically, I have an easier time smudging him out of the more epic excursions. Thus, I am left recalling bucket list weekend trips with a consummate mix of joy and dread. When scouring through photographs to delete images containing his likeness, I struggled with the notion that I was also destroying images of things seen, food eaten, and all the people. Was it enough that I had the experience first-hand and could those images be trashed without reservation? Was it better if I didn’t even have the memories given his barnacle like attachment to many of them? Could my brain extricate him from what I recalled to parcel out the joy and leave behind all of the other not-so-nice feelings? Do I have to go back to each of these places to experience them anew? More importantly, if I do go back to anywhere by myself or with someone new, would the experience be tainted by my ever spinning brain?
There are a couple of issues that I want to unwrap here. Most notably, I believe there is a difference between a basic healing process and what I will affectionately call an “over-the-top emotional purge”. I cannot tell you which one of these is best for you. You might be best right in the middle. The choice you will make in this regard is directly attributable to your personality, your feelings, the experience you had or continue to have, and the particular situation you are contending with in the moment. The last part of that statement is incredibly important. You may need a brain dump in one situation but can breathe your way through when facing another circumstance. Only you will know how you feel and what you need.
How does this relate to the topic at hand and my example, more specifically? There were trips where I felt a greater emotional and spiritual tie and for that reason, I had to close the door on ALL the related memories, at least for the time being. For whatever the reason, there are some trips where upon recollection I don’t feel as connected and I am able to successfully “redact” my ex and retain all the goodness.
Rather than dwelling on those instances where I have difficulty strolling down memory lane and then chastising myself for being weak, I work to shift my energy elsewhere. I imagine a day where the memories are less triggering for me and I also ponder revisiting these places anew. Before you ask, yes, these are movable and changing forces. I even try and focus on excitement for other trips, rather than focusing on those I’ve already taken. This is not unlike reading a great book or seeing a special move where you can’t remember every blessed detail. You can beat yourself up and feel destroyed by that experience or you can relish the fact that at the time you were able to find enjoyment. You can remind yourself that there is no need to memorize information and the experience ‘in the moment’ is sufficient for any purpose.
I also believe it to be extremely important to explore the intention behind any sort of purge or revisit. If you are doing something because it best serves your psyche, your life, your whole experience…that’s just great. If you are doing something because you feel compelled to prove something to either the collective “other” or someone in particular, you might want to sit with those thoughts for a little while before you go ahead and act on them. I am not suggesting that should absolutely not be something that you do. In fact, the only person who is truly qualified to make that determination is you and you alone. I am just offering a different perspective.
There were times following the end of my relationship that I felt compelled to do things to prove to myself and yeah, the “others” that I was just fine. I COULD do that thing on my own. I COULD take that trip, meet those people, and eat that food. There was nothing outrageously damaging in my actions that tied directly to those particular thoughts, other than it required validation from an external source. I needed to feel, whether through overt actions or not, that those I was trying to demonstrate something to were getting my message, loud and clear. That was not so good. Like the trip itself or the meal, good. The striving to have someone reinforce that I was worthy, nah.
The only way to move away from that vicious cycle is to get to the bottom of the feeling of unworthiness. What ineptitude or inadequacy sent to me by that memory is running through my heart and mind and propelling me to do the thing to seek some sort of endorsement? Do I think myself not brave? Whatever that looks like, it must be tackled and ripped to shreds and set aside. Even if one employs the “fake it till you make it” tactic, it is critical to move one’s thoughts in a more self-positive direction. That will reintroduce a sort of purity into the decision making process. That will enable you to say that you are truly doing something for yourself and no one else.
I think it is also of detrimental importance to understand how to utilize a memory as a guidepost without allowing it to be the sole guide utilized for directionality. What does that mean? Well, I can blend together the elements extracted from memories, infuse that bundle with who I happen to be at that moment, and make a decision that is part reason and part feeling. I do not have to make a decision based expressly on the feelings I’ve extracted from my memories.
You can also cut yourself a break. I know this is a foreign concept for most of us. We are so busy comparing ourselves to others; their lives, their journeys, their decisions, and their feelings. We also busy comparing the ‘me’ or today to the ‘me’ of yesteryear. This looks like: wondering why you “wasted” so much time, feeling like you might have been happier in ignorant bliss, etc. Neither of these comparisons are really useful. Trust me on that one. That is not to say that you cannot commend yourself for progress made. That is just to say that if your intention is to drag yourself through the muck, I might recommend setting yourself on another path. What do I really mean by cutting yourself a break? Make peace with letting go of certain memories. Let yourself have a belly flip when you see a photo you forgot to delete or someone asks you about a particular trip and don’t chastise yourself for it when it happens. Embrace the opportunity to make memories anew in a revisited place with someone else or just with yourself. You don’t have to share that you are revisiting a place but you also don’t have to be ashamed of it. You can admit that you loved a particular spot and you crave a memory that isn’t tied to the human you would rather forget.
And yeah, you can want to forget someone. That’s okay. That doesn’t make you delusional or avoidant. That makes you entirely human. Without some pretty magical shit (i.e. hypnotism), the chances of you forgetting someone altogether are somewhat low. However, if you let go of the negative self-talk, expectations, and drama related to a human, they can begin to fade into the background.
Sometimes that means releasing memories of things you’ve done or places you’ve visited. Sometimes that means letting go of people that are tied to that person. There are some people tied to my ex that I feel comfortable still being connected to. They are loving and warm and accept me for who I am, and something in them still feels safe and good. There are others that are tied to my ex and something in them feels dangerous. Some part of my interaction with them or their response to the entirety of the mess triggers me to crave their approval and understanding. Does that make sense? The folks that fall into the latter bucket…buh bye. That isn’t a decision that I came to easily for several reasons. First of all, I wondered why I wasn’t strong enough to just be okay. You might guess that feeling is complete bullshit. Well, at least from my seat it is, so that’s what I am going to share with you. This is a no judgment zone. If certain obstacles or challenges are just too much, that’s OKAY. You don’t have to be a superhero. Allow yourself to make peace with that and move it along. Secondly, I liked who I thought these people to be and I didn’t like the idea of letting go. You know what? There are a LOT of people in the world. A shit ton. Nice people. Funny people. Smart people. You really, really do not need to hang onto people where your best interest in not served. Not ever. It’s just simply not worth it. If you are going to hang in there, then just be honest with yourself about what that is going to do to you. Be prepared to ride out the storm.
Memories are beautiful and incredibly tough, simultaneously. They will light you up and bring you to your knees. They will generate excitement and dread. Sure, the brain captures what it wants to, but stop feeling like you have no control whatsoever. You do. You have the ability to participate meaningfully in what you retain and call upon and what moves to the background. Start exercising that right. It’s not weak and silly. It’s self-protective and strong.
Like most things, it’s a choice. Which one are you prepared to make?
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 