When you see a baby learn to walk for the first time, they often gaze forward with a look of determination and hope. I don’t know the science of it all and I am not going to claim to on any level but, from my seat I’ve always felt that the baby was seeking the source of the “you can do it” or “atta boy” or “come on sweetie” or “just one step” being uttered/screeched/whispered/joyously exclaimed. It never occurred to me that the baby might be looking towards its intended destination. It just always felt right that the baby wanted to move, received continuous encouragement to move, and thus, moved. The same line of thinking applies when said baby falls and responds perfectly in sync with the feedback available in its universe. Huh? Well, baby falls and person watching yells ‘ohmygodissheokay?!’ Baby cries from panic/fear/noise. Baby falls and person(s) watching says in a soothing voice ‘oh, she’s just fine, aren’t you?’ Baby keeps on keeping on. Again, this is NOT science my friends. This is purely my opinion, my thoughts.
In keeping with this sentiment, most people seem to move away from this feedback-response paradigm, or at least it hybridizes over time. That’s to say that most of us will continue to respond to feedback and even seek out such feedback, but fewer are immobilized in the absence of feedback or solely propelled by such. I’ve always thought of myself as a hybridized being in the feedback paradigm…well….until recently. I’m going to have to take a little detour now, but I’ll get back to this point. I promise that I will bring all these thoughts together and tie them up with a neat little bow (my bow tying is much more Martha Stewart in digital/fake form than in real life, so you’re in luck).
I’ve always been attracted to shiny things. It’s a joke that my mom and I share. Give me a sparkly top or a glittery bag and I lose my mind. The thing is, it’s the same for people when it comes to me. I know this is going to sound strange because I’ve already shared that I have little patience for the “mayor” personality. This isn’t about the people that steal the spotlight. I mean, sometimes they do, but it is not their sole driving force in life. This is about people who have that glimmer of something special in them and typically, have to make a choice whether they want to use that sparkle for good or evil. I know that sounds hella dramatic but it’s true. I mean sure, there is a middle ground here, but for the sake of understanding, let’s speak in extremes for a moment. We are going to need to simplify some part of this because I’m about to make it a lot more complicated.
Ready for the mess of it all? Okay. These sparkly people that are choosing to use their power for good or evil are sometimes not wholly aware of this choice. That’s right. Let me say that again. Sometimes sparkly people use their sparkle to hurt people and it’s not something they are conscious of. Whether or not you are more forgiving of or connected to folks where the harm is unintended is entirely up to you. No judgment here. I can only tell you that I have created a rather large exception line for those particular people and I’m beginning to have second thoughts. Actually, let me refine that a bit. I’m reconsidering the entire notion. I am learning that for me it doesn’t matter whether the harm is intentional or not. Once the harm is done, the objectives of the person committing the harm seem to fade into the background. They become unimportant. The only thing that is relevant is the commitment to healing from the harm. Learning from the harm. Avoiding the harm in the future. That’s the real catch too. If you make exceptions, that last ‘avoidance’ piece becomes nearly impossible. It isn’t totally implausible, because almost nothing is, but it’s pretty challenging to let someone in and find a way to carve out their unintended wrath.
Anyway, I’ve digressed a smidgen so let’s reel it back in.
I’m not sparkly. I mean my mom would tell you I am and maybe my dad, but I’m not. Not in the way I’m speaking of. I have a small inner sparkle. I have a sparkle that I show to those who mean the most to me in this world. I keep a tight lid on my shine. So my attraction to sparkle isn’t all that mysterious and certainly doesn’t require a psychological analysis. Right? My nephew is delicious. He is smart and rambunctious. He is rough and tumble and incredibly gentle. The boys in his class who do bad things intrigue him and make him laugh because it is not his inclination to be that person. He is drawn in by the mystery of it all. He is simultaneously lit up and intimidated. He is awe struck and horrified. He wants to be them and wants nothing to do with any of it. That’s me, with sparkly people.
Sparkle comes in all different forms too. It does. There is charisma and charm. There is boisterousness and humor. There is twisty dysfunction too. Oh yes, I said it. Someone’s brokenness can be dark sparkle. The deepest, darkest glitteriest shine. Let me say that again, for effect. Someone can be B R O K E N and they shine in their fucked-up-ness. Much like my eating, I’m an equal opportunist when it comes to sparkle. I like all types and every form. Alluring and magical? Oh yes. Complicated and tragic? Sure, why not? Gimme all the sparkle.
I want to get to the…WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT THAT?! But first, I need you to understand what the pull looks like. A shiny person that doesn’t seek to pull doesn’t pose any threat. Well, not to me anyway. I might be attracted but the attraction doesn’t last. It’s fleeting. Momentary. It’s the ones who want me close that damage me the most. They offer the following: advice, compliments, promises, analyses, and constructive criticism. I know what you are thinking, but hang on a second. They seek the following: advice, assistance, feedback, and company. Okay, we can say it now. These are all false pretenses. Bullshit. I mean not everything is a lie, but a lot of it is. To reinforce the underground danger here, the person may not even realize how bullshit the interaction is. They may be seeking advice knowing full well they won’t agree, don’t agree, won’t heed, and don’t really need it. They are resolute in their ways and feelings. They are using the advice seeking as connective tissue. A mere fabrication of an authentic connection. They may be filling my head with pretty thoughts to manipulate me into doing something. It could be something that benefits them or not. It could be anything but they just want to feel like they have control over something, someone. I’m told I’m pretty, smart, driven, organized, loving, etc. I’m so fucking fabulous that I’m spun in circles and don’t even know where my solid footing is…can’t even begin to find my way back to me. Do you get it now? A little?
This doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who say or do nice things because they are nice and you are fabulous. Honestly, that is not what I am saying. People are not all shitty but a bunch of them are and you just have to learn to tell the difference. Ask yourself what the person needs from you, asks of you. Ask yourself how the person makes you feel (more bad than good?). Examine who that person is to you, consistently. Not the one-off interactions, but what the big picture looks like. The kind of sparkle I’m talking about is VERY clear when you take a step back, breathe, and reassess. For god sake, pay attention to what people do and what they say.
Okay, now WHY?! Well, because although I think I’m that hybridized adult, I’m not. I look to these bold personalities for permission. I seek them out for the “right” path, to show me the way. I look for the sense of comradery offered by those suffering the same way I might be. I believe their promises, get sucked into their drama, and slog through the swamp with them. I wait for a ‘good job’ or an ‘oh no’ before I allow the synapses to connect, before I permit the feeling I’m really feeling. Some insecure part of me seeks the security that is offered by the together folks and feels compelled by the broken ones. I’ve been knocked down in relationships, professionally, and even when it comes to my friendships. I’ve looked within and identified areas to work on and man, have I done the work. But, I haven’t stopped there. I still chastise myself for the failures. I still knock myself on the knuckles for the missteps and mistakes. And so, I look for sparkle on the other end of my steps. Or I did, at least.
I’m trying to turn over a new leaf. I’m trying to take a step back from those personalities, that interaction. I’m trying to change my reactions and my interactions so I’m not so fooled, so manipulated. It is so freaking hard but whenever I start to falter, I think about the after. You know the after, no? Even if you aren’t a sparkle-driven personality, you know the ‘after’ of a shitty interaction with someone. You know the feeling of wishing you hadn’t done something, said something, or acted a certain way. You remember wishing you hadn’t answered that text or picked up that call. I recently had an interaction where I spoke my absolute truth to a sparkly person because I know spend too much time managing my truth. Not a bad sentiment, but it was the wrong person and the wrong time. I know that now. I’m not beating myself up over it but I am learnin’ the lessons.
You know those bullshit motivational posters you see everywhere, like Instagram and Facebook? One that has always irked me is the whole ‘be the sparkle you want to see in the world.’ Man that burned me. What a dumb statement. Or is it? Yeah, it’s not. You knew that was coming, right? I’m not saying you should be a ray of sunshine or fake as shit. I’m saying you can take your own steps forward without a singular human giving you motivation or permission. I promise you that you can.
And guess what? If you fall, you’ll be fine. That too.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 