Chill.

This post is going to be a little bit different from the others I’ve crafted as of late. Same person, same sentiments, but a little less specific than the situations I’ve often described and addressed.  I recently read a book (title alludes me unfortunately, but I’m not quoting) whereas one of the main characters expresses an overall frustration at her inability to take life’s challenges in stride like others around her. At least, it is her perception or thought that those around her are less ruffled by life’s “shit.”

This resonated with me because I’ve been having similar feelings. When I step outside my circle of self-absorption, I quickly realize that this is simply a perspective. However, when I’m fully in the thick of things there is a certain logic that seems to apply. Do you know what I’m talking about? Either way, I’ll describe.

I have co-workers in their late-twenties and early thirties who, when I describe the horror show that is dating in one’s late thirties, tell me I should just look out for me, have fun, enjoy my life, etc. Pick a catch phrase that belongs on a DIY wooden board to be hung on one’s bedroom wall and I’ve heard it. Of course, these young women are mostly engaged and/or married.

Don’t get me wrong as I’ve been around the block enough to know that one’s relationship status does not define their level of happiness. Not even close. I just think it is difficult to take chill-out advice from someone who is a decade younger and seemingly has that shit on lock-down. Outside of that situation, I just have a total inability to be foot loose and fancy free when it comes to dating. This is not because I get attached quickly or because I believe that my life will not be complete unless I have a significant other. Rather, this is because dating as it exists today (mostly a technology supported paradigm) feels shallow, stressful, and well, cruel.

I can’t even tell anymore if I want to meet someone because of the possibility of connection or because it feels like the thing to do. I’ve talked about societal constructs before and I’m loathe to revisit because at some point it might begin to feel like I’m jaded or a bitter man hater. I’m not. I am REALLY REALLY NOT. I love men. Well, some of them. A whole lot too. And I’ve often met terrible women, like all over the place. Selfish, bitchy, mean women. I’m just saying that our society has created this sort of Pavlovian scenario where I have difficulty in discerning what I really want or what I think I should want because it is EVERYWHERE around me.

I feel like I should throw in a disclaimer here. I love connection with others. I do. I don’t need society to tell me to crave links to others because I know that I innately relish the opportunity. It is just a matter of what that connection actually looks like generally. How much do I need or want to let someone in? Do I avoid pulling someone in close because I’m afraid given the harm I’ve suffered or because I just don’t need someone that close? Are people today really capable of maintaining solid and meaningful connections or does technology and the whole “grass is always greener” concept usually get in the way? How do you tell a real connection from a false one?

Once people have found their person, their connection, do they ignore everything that might frustrate them about that person because they are so glad to have checked that box and they intend to hold on for dear life? Or do people not even recognize difficulty when it smacks them in the face because they are so busy surviving? Or is it that people understand that no one is perfect and it takes a village and blah, blah? I think it is a combination of all of these things and at the end of the day it is different based on the actual person.

What does all of this mean? Well, it means that relationships are like series of rapidly moving pieces, ever-shifting, ever-changing, and ever-expanding.  People move in and out of them and people change their opinions of and perspectives on them. Thus, whenever I feel frustrated like I have of late, I remind myself that trying to be chiller about relationships is not unlike attempting to catch a rubber ball that is bouncing around a hard-walled enclosed space. Once I’ve gotten a handle on one challenge or a singular element, things shift and I find myself unseated and confused again.

To be clear, I do love my life and I don’t feel like it is hollow or incomplete because I don’t have a relationship, but the search for or journey to find said relationship does create its very own turmoil. Just the simple act of being open and/or partaking in those activities related to seeking a relationship (i.e. online dating) cause a disturbance in my chill. Therefore, I find myself circling back to the question of whether or not such an exploration is “worth it.”

That leads to a bigger question of whether it is prudent to avoid those activities, challenges, and steps in life that will generally upset the apple cart. How do we begin to differentiate between those obstacles we need to tackle for the sake of growth and those that end up stunting our growth? When there are no certainties in life, or so they say, how are we supposed to make certain decisions? How is it that some people are chill in the face of bullshit and others (ahem…me) unravel?

What do I mean by unraveling? Well, generally, I’m not calm, cool, and collected. No sir/m’am. Not even a little. I sweat when I’m nervous (or when it’s even a little warm), I get butterflies and shaky knees when trying something new or engaging in public speaking, I feel anxious when I have to confront someone and it does absolutely tug at my heart when I’m ignored.  I am not talking full scale melt down in any of these situations. I’m just saying I’m not easy breezy. No one looks at me before or after any one of these situations and thinks immediately of the shrug emoji or the one with the sunglasses. Think more crooked mouth or upside down face emoji. Yeah, now you’ve got it.

So yes, we’ve come full circle. I am someone is gets ruffled by life’s shit. I wish I didn’t but I do, almost always. I’m working on what ruffles me and how ruffled I get in any particular situation but still…there are ruffles. I am trying to get to the bottom of things by identifying who and what triggers me. I am trying to understand what is at the root of my upset. Is it random emotion that I am picking up in a very empathetic fashion or is there something bigger, more important within me that needs to be addressed? Moreover, if you are innately built for ruffling, can you turn the tide simply with the desire to do so?

Even though it is bothersome at times, do I HAVE to change?

Well, this ruffling is what enables (think negative enabling) me to give people more chances than they’ve earned, overlook shitty behavior, and accept far less than I deserve. The ruffling is what pushes me to say “it’s not them, it’s me” rather than “it’s not me, it’s them” OR “it’s both of us.” Taking responsibility? Gooooood. Taking responsibility for everyone’s behavior? NOT good. Allowing people that shouldn’t matter to hurt me? Bad. Really, really bad. On the other hand the ruffling also permits me to feel deeply for others that do deserve it. I am compassionate, patient, loving, and forgiving. These qualities have caused me pain at times but I still wouldn’t toss them into a brisk wind never to be seen again.

Thus, I come back to a sentiment I’ve touched on time and again in a variety of ways. How do I find the middle? How do I deliberately locate or even inadvertently stumble upon that perfect in between that allows me to still feel without being taken to my knees? How do I strive for chill without losing my ability to find emotional highs and lows? How do I feel just enough but not too much? Sounds stressful right? It isn’t, not really. It just requires a reality check in accompaniment with my emotions.

I know, I know, that sounds like an awful lot of work. Guess what? It is. Yeah, I’m not going to lie. It isn’t easy and it can be a little painful too. But, it is a necessary evil. You know that whole adapt or die business? Sounds pretty intense, but it is the truth. We must adapt in order to survive. My emotionality has served me to this point but it has also shattered me time and again. Each time I intensely ruffle, it takes a little piece of me and to be honest, I’m not too keen on losing more than I have already. That doesn’t mean I’m going to prevent any hurt or harm. It simply means I am going to strive for progress. I am going to be somewhat self-protective and resilient and maybe even a little smart. I am not going to fake it until I make it. I’m going to find it. I am going to be it.

You will never hear me say “yeah, whatever, that doesn’t bother me” but you might just hear me say “yeah, it hurts, but I’ll get over it…just give me a day to process.” You might witness me shutting some people down or turning them away or even removing them from my line of sight. You might see that I let some folks come to me, show me, love me. You might observe a shift. They might be baby steps, but they are steps goddammit.

Until the next….stay chill.

L.