I want to introduce a different sort of concept on this eve of a new year. Different from resolutions but also, very much the same.
I firmly believe that the quiet spaces are where we actually find ourselves. The downtime, separation, and solitariness of any particular moment in time or any stretch of time, gives us that very unique perspective that we are not privy to when we are surrounded. Surrounded by what, you ask? Bodies, voices, opinions, expectations, hopes, fears, etc. People are wonderful. Company is lovely. Loneliness can be crippling. But being alone? Brilliant. Necessary. Critical. I am contending in this lovingly crafted post that time unaccompanied by fellow humans is absolutely invaluable.
Outside of my travel, I’ve had a few weeks of deliberate alone time. What do I mean by certain alone time? Well, I’ve been quite busy. I’ve had work and work events, plans with friends and family, and copious conversations on the telephone and via email and text message. However, there have been absences. There were spaces that could have been filled that were left vacant.
Resisting my normal inclination to fill that space, I embraced that time. I explored those minutes and hours. I didn’t just feel but decided to ask myself how and why I felt. I explored my feelings in a real way. I self-examined in a way that I have not in quite some time. I used my downtime during travel to do much the same.
Why?
Well, because it’s healthy. Because it is necessary. Because it is just really, really good. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it feels kind of shitty at first. I think about things often so I can’t really say that I fully allow emotional rust to form. However, the kind of self-exploration I am referring to is a bit different that a normal scan. I am talking about a dive into what I am feeling about my life holistically at any given moment.
What is pleasing me? What is making me unhappy? Which relationships are serving me and which are detrimental? These appear to be cut-and-dry questions, but they are anything but as the answers to these questions are nuanced, complicated, and rest squarely in the gray. This is for a variety of reasons. Most notably, the “self” will resist acknowledging anything that necessitates change (or at least that is how it works for me). Furthermore, any given thing, situation, or person examined could be part ‘yay’ and part ‘nay’. There is nothing that requires placing anything into one category or another. I mean sure, that makes life a lot easier but when has life been easy?
You might ask me why this exercise is best done alone. To clarify, I think that this process is best started alone. Sometimes it is also best completed alone and sometimes the voice of others is a welcome and necessary addition. The thing is, no matter how strong we are as a person, no matter how great our resolve, and how absolute our decision making processes, we can be swayed by another human. We can, you can. I know you think you are impenetrable and unbreakable, and I’m truly sorry to be the one to break it to you, but that’s not true. The toughest person has someone or something that brings about that hesitation, that second-guessing, that revisit. Depending on how firmly planted we are in our reality and emotions, we can be totally spun around by someone else or just begin to gently waiver.
I know, I am using esoteric language again. Let me give you a real time example in case I am not connecting here for any reason. I have decided that I am unhappy at work. I have looked at my job from an evolutionary perspective; start to present. I have examined many different aspects including benefits, compensation, co-workers, management, opportunity, respect, and the list goes on. I’ve determined that it is in my best interest to look for a new job elsewhere. At a minimum, I have accepted the notion that I can only fully understand my professional existence (i.e. fairness, etc.) in the context of what the market has to offer so I have to at least look. I decide to confide in a co-worker with whom I have a friendship. I fully explain how I am feeling and she tells me that I am being dramatic. She shares that she doesn’t wholly disagree with my assessment of our workplace, but contests that it is not much better in other places. She rattles off her pro/con list, bringing to light certain pros that I didn’t necessarily consider in my intellectual exploration, such as the proximity to home or gym housed in the basement of the building that houses the company we work for. Although these particular points aren’t of critical import to me, I begin to question why that is the case. I ask myself whether I’ve assigned sufficient value to geographical convenience or building amenities. Basically speaking, I waffle.
I want to be clear that I am not suggesting that there is not inherent value in hearing another opinion outside of your own. To the contrary, I believe that a different perspective is critical. I just believe that when we want to explore how we truly feel about things and then summon the motivation to stay grounded or change, that should come singularly from within us. The only exception to that rule is the assistance of professional help (i.e. a therapist).
I also want to stress that this exercise is not easy. I mean there are parts that are easier than others and that is likely dependent on your personality, your wants, and your needs. When I first start to think about things, I don’t find myself struggling. I am assessing the situation from a 10,000 foot vantage point. It is only once I start to examine things in a more granular fashion that I begin to feel stressed or overwhelmed.
To that end, it is my belief that many people who resist therapy, find excuses to avoid therapy, or complain that therapy doesn’t work, are actually afraid to get to the place where words must translate into action to get to better. Sure, you can talk and talk and talk, but at the end of the day that doesn’t get you much of anywhere other than you recognize your ability to unload and unburden. Relieving your mind and soul of troubling information is fantastic but unless you are willing to do something about your situation(s), you will likely find yourself a broken record.
Thus, this post is not just about looking within but about formulating a plan for moving forward. This is about trouble-shooting in the most real way possible. I’ve talked about this before but it bears a revisit, particularly at this time of year, as the year is wrapping up. I am willing to admit that there are times I’ve given myself significant credit for making progress in certain areas of my life and it ends up being to the detriment of those other areas that require attention. It can feel very daunting to tackle multiple areas or situations at once and even self-defeating. However, sometimes that kind of approach is absolutely necessary. Why? Well because often times the root of all the issues you are facing is universal. WHAT? Yup, you read that correctly.
Right now I am troubled by my experience at work and with some situations personally. News flash- the issues underlying my unease are exactly the same. I am not communicating effectively with people and thus, I am having interactions that are less than pleasing. My thought bubbles are far different than my speech bubbles, if you will.
I know that I can take this time and just lose my mind. I can easily feel like a sad, disgruntled failure. I can distract myself with other people and events. I can run from everything I feel or pretend like I have no part in it. I can also continue to place myself in situations that are harmful to my psyche and sense of wellbeing. Or I can begin to move the mountain. I can get home from teaching yoga, resist the urge to Netflix, make myself a nice meal, and take a few minutes to explore what I am really feeling in that moment. I can finish settling in and then lay in the quiet and explore my active role in my life and how I permit other people to exist in my life generally. I can define those situations that I may not have control over (at work mostly) and those where I have a greater ability to make an important shift.
This quiet is critical. Some label this as loneliness, boredom, and anxiety provoking downtime. I am old and wise enough to see it for what it really is, time spent working on me. No wasted time there. Time to figure out what I really want out of my life and what is needed to move myself closer to that point. I am not saying this from a place of judgment, but it is merely an observation that those who look down their nose or feel incredibly anxious during quiet time might not want to face what is right in front of them. That’s not to say that one cannot feel bored or lonely during excessive alone time. That is just to say that when we are chill with our lives, downtime can be just that. A chance to breath, to provide self-care, to relax, to regroup.
I have found so much in the quiet spaces of my life in the last few weeks. I have found friendships that don’t necessarily serve me, reflections on relationships I’ve had, thoughts about my professional life, and a new plan for my physical body. None of this came quickly or easily. Every point was considered and reconsidered. I didn’t take an hour for each area of my life. I took days and nights for each. My thoughts and feelings were collected, aggregated, and processed. I feel more whole entering 2020. Imperfect but more at peace.
Give yourself a gift at the end of this decade. Be thankful for your mind, your heart, your being. Nourish all of it by allowing yourself to reside, if for a moment, in the quiet. Give yourself the unmatched love and progress that comes with removal. Don’t set expectations or goals. Just allow yourself to be and see what emerges. Whatever comes of this experience could morph and change overtime. Allow it to be a starting point.
Take that teensy little step. Your mind, your heart, your feet, your choice. Oh, and happy new year to you.
Until the next [year]…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 