I was recently talking to a friend and I uttered the following phrase: “I’m turning over a new leaf and I’m just not going to let _____ get to me anymore.” Whoa. Powerful statement, huh? In the spirit of this brand-new decade, I will even dare to say that it even sounds a little resolution-y, no? Well, I’m going to give you another descriptor or two for that statement. Sitting down? Here goes. Painful bullshit. Total and utter horseshit. Nonsense. Insanity. Inappropriate and unfounded optimism. I mean, it sounds lovely and all but at the end of the day it is pure silliness. There are a few reasons why I think the statement ridiculous, but maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself.
Before I delve into why I shouldn’t say such things, it seems important to address why I might. Why do we tell ourselves things that we know to be at best lofty aspirations and at worst, completely implausible? Well, let me share why I do it. First of all, I desperately want to be that person. I do. No shame. I want to be someone who can make a bold statement regarding my reaction to a person/place/thing and then hold fast to it, no matter the circumstances. Secondly, and definitively tied to the first point, my desire to be that person overshadows some of the unlikeliness factor. In other words, my cognitive biases kick-in big time and I hear an endless ‘I think I can’ chugging through my stubborn brain. Last but not least, I like the idea that I could be that person in the eyes of others and in particular, anyone who gets to hear such an utterance Did you catch all of that? I want it to be true so badly that I believe it to be true and I appreciate how its truth might shape me for the positive in the eyes of others.
You can probably guess that all three of these points are way off the path to worthy. Lack of self-acceptance, false beliefs, and hyper-obsession with the opinions of others are unquestionably a detour from the path. However, as I’ve readily and happily shared on several occasions, the path isn’t rigid and it is most certainly forgiving. To the contrary, we learn and grow in a more profound fashion when we fall down and when we make mistakes. Our struggles ultimately make us more resilient. They provide invaluable lessons that we might not otherwise learn or experience.
It is important to note that these lessons can only come to us if we recognize that we’ve fallen off the path. How is that possible? We’ve been through this before but it bears repeating. Take a breath. Pause. Acknowledge feelings of wanting, wishing, hoping, neediness, and inadequacy. Acknowledge that these feelings are negative, not positive. They tear you down rather than building you up. Which feelings are the counter to these counter-productive emotional states? Courage, ambition, excitement, and awareness. Note the difference. Pay attention to red flags. Try and listen to what your gut is telling you.
Okay, so I’ve addressed the why and specifically, some of the less savory bits of the why. That explained, we all know that despite best intentions and even given a supremely high level of cognizance, the spirit can sometimes be hardy in the most frustrating and least-helpful ways. What does all of this mean? Well, even if we get around to acknowledging that our heart isn’t exactly in the right place, we might still have a burning desire to make all the foolish statements and do all the ridiculous things. So, then we have to look at what we say. I know that sounds like an enormous task but it isn’t. I am not talking about all the statements we might utter in the course of a day. I am talking about the type of statement I’ve noted above. I am talking about proclamations.
I did share one particular example above but a few more can’t hurt, right? Here we go: “I’m never talking to _____ again.” “I’m not going to eat anything unhealthy for all of 2020.” “I’m going to stop caring about ___________.” This seems like a useful place to mention that I don’t believe these statements are completely infeasible. In fact, if caveated, conditioned, and modified, it is entirely possible that every statement of this nature can be proven factual. That’s the key though. You have to take any particular thought, feeling, and statement, and approach such from the standpoint of your very most authentic self. You have to ask yourself what you are capable of, what you need, what you want, and what might be your strengths and weaknesses. Perform the appropriate level of self-exploration such that you can close the gap between what you think sounds “right” and what will work for you. I bet this sounds a little pie-in-the-sky to you. Let’s regroup a little and maybe provide some needed clarity.
Let’s start with the very first thought I shared about not letting myself be bothered by _________. For the purpose of really understanding what I am trying to convey, let’s say that the blank is filled by the name of a person that really triggers me. To up the ante, let’s say that the person is someone who has mattered or does matter to me. They aren’t just a random human whose behavior ruffles me. Writing them off or ignoring them isn’t super simple. Rather, it is a murky and complicated endeavor. It feels painful and challenging. I want so badly to extricate them from my life because our interaction is less than positive but I recognize that it feels like I’m losing something. My logical brain tells me that I am only losing a source of anxiety, but we all know that the heart is lightyears away from such order and reason.
To make a statement that I won’t be bothered by _____ anymore is to make a statement that NO MATTER WHAT THAT PERSON DOES, I will remain cool as a cucumber. I am anticipating any particular contact and predetermining how I might feel. That is pretty insane, right? For so many reasons. The first one that comes to mind is the understanding that people can always surprise us, in the best and worst ways. You can think you really know someone and they come out of left field with behavior that just completely astounds you. Really out of the woods shit. Cosmic epiphany kind of actions. How could you possible know how you might feel or react to something when you can’t really even appropriately know what that something might be? And really, the idea that there is absolutely nothing that could ever bother you is just entirely crazy. If you are chill as fuck, I commend you (we all know I am NOT, right?), but I guarantee there is something, some ONE thing that really irks you. That doesn’t mean that you react like a lunatic when faced with it. It simply means that you react. Period. End of story. So yeah, what if that one irksome thing occurs? Can you really promise that even though the one thing that bothers the crap outta you is happening, you will miraculously make that one time an exception to the reaction rule? Again, if you can, that’s great. No sarcasm or criticism over here. For the rest of you, I hear you. I feel you. I get it. I cannot do that. I will never be able to do that. Thus, I cannot make a promise when I don’t know the full universe of what could occur.
So, what can I do? Well I can imagine that worst case scenario. I can think of the situations or behaviors that trouble me and try and figure out a reasonable response to such. Now, I recognize that there are other factors that play into this little role play. In other words, my ideal reaction is premised on the fact that the day or time in which this thing occurs is also pretty ideal. Nothing else is happening that has already set my nerves afire. Yeah. Right. So, I have to imagine the best response possible and then understand that anything can happen. This seems less than productive, right? It’s not. It’s a good and valuable exercise to explore these situations. It’s like practicing before a play or a recital. Someone may cough or your pants might rip when you are on that stage, but the more practice you have under your belt, the better off you will fare in the face of these challenges or trip-ups. So you are acknowledging that you will likely be bothered by whatever is going to occur but you feel empowered that your practice response will slightly lessen the impact.
You’ve heard this before, but you can cut yourself a break. I mean really. Understand that the person/situation/thing is being presented to you for a reason. I know everyone hates that explanation but it’s the truth. You are meant to be challenged. You are meant to learn something about yourself. You can make giant proclamations about what you are going to do, you can self-explore and modify the proclamation, or you can decide not to make it at all. Allow yourself time to work through the thing. Acknowledge your desire to make the declaration. I want to not respond to that person, eat better, exercise more, work less, et cetera. I know I can’t outright decide that I am going to do those things but the action or behavior that I consider to be damaging is pointing out something that needs to be addressed by me. I don’t like the same qualities in myself, I feel lazy, I prioritize inappropriately, and so on and so forth. This isn’t meant to be a cudgel that you use to kick the crap out of yourself. Rather, this is meant to be yet another exercise [on the path] where you understand where you need to do the work.
You can make resolutions. You can be passionate and dedicated and figure out where you want to be and what that looks like for you. There is nothing wrong with any of that. You just have to make sure that the work you do to get there is more positive than negative. You have to recognize that changing overnight is unrealistic and you are not a failure if you don’t abide by some declaration you’ve made. I know people like to share to hold themselves accountable and I don’t disagree, but sometimes it’s helpful to do so after you’ve gained a little bit of clarity. Don’t just jump into the sharing pool so you are left vulnerable and feeling badly about yourself. Wait until you feel like you’ve modified and you have a good execution strategy and then go from there. Also, if you have friends who tell you that you’re shit for falling down on a promise you’ve made to yourself, fuck them. Go find new friends. Harsh, but I mean it. They can tell you to get back on the wagon and support your journey, but if they are layering on more hurt, move quickly in the other direction.
Watch your words. Not in a way that makes you self-conscious or critical of yourself. Just watch your words as an act of true kindness for YOU. That’s right. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Be kind to yourself. Give it a spin. You can do it. I know you can.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 