F the Leader.

When someone asks me the question, I usually assert that I am not all that competitive. I mean I am, but 99.9% of the time, it’s with myself. Does that count? I hold myself accountable in a way that is almost terrifying. I look at past performance in nearly everything I tackle and try and outdo myself. There is a healthy element to that which is that I am always strive to do better. Like anything else in life, there is a counter perspective which is to say that I can find myself in the throes of disappointment and self-deprecation because I didn’t “do better”. It is a mixed bag, much like EVERYTHING else in life. At the end of the day, I am comfortable with erring on the side of being answerable to myself because honestly, there is no harsher critic and on some level, it avoids the pressure of needlessly comparing myself to others on the regular.

With all of that in mind, I recently started to take a spin class where there is a leader-board. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Maybe you have, but I’m about to educate just in case. They have a screen (two in this case) at the front of the darkened room that projects stats for each rider in the class. In case you are sweating at the mere thought of this, if you wish to remain somewhat anonymous you do have the ability to give yourself a nickname such that no one really knows who you are. I suppose you could even keep the screen of your bike off altogether so as to not be featured on the board. I don’t elect either option. First of all, only the teacher seems to know my name. Secondly, please read paragraph #1 above, again. That doesn’t mean I don’t care. I do. I just care way more about my performance week to week and taking into account a variety of factors (i.e. other exercise that week, etc.) thank how I hold up compared to the group.

I want to be completely honest here, as usual. Of course I care about my rank in the class. I just want to be clear that it isn’t my first thought or priority. When it comes to physical activity, the idea of a one-size-fits-all model is pretty silly. People are different ages, sizes, and shapes. They have different tolerance and experience levels, different goals, and different lives outside that one exercise class or activity. Any one of those factors and more could have a material impact on one’s performance. Thus, although we exist in a compare and compete kind of society, I think most of those equivalences are actually a silly game of holding an orange against an apple and drawing a conclusion.

Where am I going with this? Fair question. I believe this topic is entirely applicable to our existence in the world and related self-worth generally but I want to focus on its relationship to dating, or at least my experience as of late. You probably know where I’m going with this so forgive the explanation, but I’d rather spell it out clearly so we are 100% on the same page. As you might guess, there is no one-size-fits-all paradigm for people and dating either. I am just sharing my experience. Maybe you can relate? Maybe you have your own perspective. Either way, it’s good for a laugh if for nothing else.

I recently went on a date whereas it became apparent that the gentleman across from me was quite active on the dating scene. I want to be clear that I am not offering any sort of criticism for that choice. None whatsoever. In truth, dating is a bit of a numbers game so if anything, my inability to multitask and my small touch of romanticism (aka focusing on a select few rather than talking to several at once) probably leave me at a serious disadvantage (more on that at a later date). What I will share is that as he spoke, a dating leader-board image floated through my mind. I pictured an ever-moving chart with a column containing women’s names, a row containing boxes of various traits and facts, and then several boxes with check marks or number rankings. I pictured my name moving up or down based on answers I provided to questions that were posed to me. Close with family, up I go. Somewhat independent, floating in neutral. Terrible sleeper, I begin to drift towards the bottom.

You might be thinking the very thing that was posed to me the first time I shared this concept. How is this any different than any other dating or even people meeting experience? I’m not exactly sure I can answer that appropriately other than telling you that I think it’s the speed with which it occurs. I’ve talked before about instant gratification and how the world we live in doesn’t exactly foster patience or stick-to-itiveness.  It’s more than that. An abundance of data secured in a short period of time gives one the opportunity to populate a mental leader-board in a lightning fast manner and have it constantly updating. So what? Isn’t that what it is all about? Meeting someone, determining whether it works, whether they work, and moving on to something else and/or giving it a go? Well I guess it is. However, this method or approach doesn’t leave room for some pretty important elements. Well, they are important to me. The leader-board is run or filled much like responses are recorded in a deposition. A deposition calls for a yes or no answer or at a minimum, extracts and analyzes the response provided and places it in the ‘closest’ category. It doesn’t allow for the flexibility that getting to know someone in a real way often requires. For example, I might be closer to certain family members and not others and there might be a really good explanation for it, but you decide to stick me in the ‘no’ box because logically my answer most closely aligns with that response. It also doesn’t really allow for the thought process that gets you to the following: “yeah, s/he’s not really for me “on paper” but I have a really good feeling and there’s room to grow.”

The leader-board concept is not just one that has me questioning my stats with another person. It also has me feeling competitive. With an unknown. A big unknown. In spin I can scan the room and make speedy (and perhaps mildly inaccurate) judgments about how my fellow cyclists might compare to me. On the dating leader-board, I’m left entirely in the dark. If someone is constantly shifting around the puzzle pieces that make up a dating leader-board, how many people really get a chance? What if I have good stats, but it’s a busy week or so and so for that reason alone I’m bumped off the board? What if the rounding or assumption exercise has inappropriately aligned me with a category, positive or negative? What if I have a moment of pure humanity (i.e. bad hair day, feeling grumpy, etc.) and that knocks me out of the running? It’s easy to say ‘fuck that person then’ but that’s an egregious oversimplification. It’s also so many people doing it that when it comes to the numbers game (remember?) it carries a serious disadvantage.

So, what do we do? Do we find crafty ways to edge out the competition? People do, right? The most clever or mysteriously written facts, the sexiest and most gorgeous photographs, and the most impressive details. The exercise becomes less ‘how can I present the most accurate picture of who I am?’ and more ‘I hope this makes me stand out amongst the other 203498309483 people in the same space.’ Is it even possible to approach the dating leader-board the same way in which I approach the spin leader-board? It is. It’s tough and may make dating a bit more challenging, but it is entirely possible.

How?

Well, I make sure that I am leading with my best foot forward. I upload the most real but also flattering photos. I’m not putting up a photo of me after a blow-out because let’s get real, that’s three times a year. I am going to put a photo of me hiking through the mountains of Switzerland. Still a wow factor but yeah, I’m not wearing makeup or fancy clothing. It’s just me. I try and put forth interesting tidbits but I don’t write anything for the sake of it. I answer questions completely honestly. I don’t attempt to be coy or charming. If I happen organically during the process, fantastic.

If someone cancels at the last minute because presumably something better came along, I don’t give them a second chance. I don’t feel compelled to prove myself worthy of the first choice slot. I AM worthy of such just as I am. I avoid the song and dance. I don’t make decisions coming from a place of fear of rejection.  I had someone tell me recently I’m old fashioned. I could have recognized it as an insult or criticism. I didn’t. I thought, yup, that’s me. If that puts me out of the top 10, that’s okay. Probably not a top 10 I belong in.

The thing is, whoever goes out with me is going to get me. Not some made-up, competitive version of me. Just me. I am loving and loyal, but inherently flawed. I don’t need to lead with my flaws but I needn’t pretend they don’t exist. I don’t need the gimmick of a sexy photo or unique tagline. When in doubt, I employ the SAME EXACT method I use during my spin performance classes, as follows: I cover my little screen with a towel. I avert my eyes. I go inwards. I worry entirely about me and nothing else. I relish my experience. Every. Last. Bit. I don’t worry if I hold my own about the competition. I don’t even ponder the competition. I am my glorious self and I accept the reality of being booted or ghosted but don’t feel any pain related to such. I am not troubled by which column got me there. I don’t take it personally. I don’t try and convince someone otherwise. I don’t rail against the situation in my head. I ask myself how I felt and feel and if I can do better. Not better in the sense of winning someone over, but better in staying true to myself. Better in interacting with another human in a friendly and authentic fashion. Better in feeling more comfortable in what can often be an uncomfortable situation. I set standards and hold myself and others to them. I keep an open mind and a mostly open heart. In that way, I dominate the leader-board in exactly the way I want to. All by myself. And in this way it IS about me in the best way possible. I am different. I may not be for that person. I am a challenge. That’s not negative. It’s so real and it’s so good. I get to examine every little thing to decide where I go from there.

Extricate yourself from the game of the leader-board (at least mentally) or dive in. The choice is yours. I would just encourage you to not get so lost in the desire to push up your rank that you choose the wrong person or lose yourself in the process. Find what works best for you and then continuously question if it still works as time passes. Be your best version, no matter what you rank on someone else’s board.

You can do it. I know you can.

Until the next…

L.