Someone recently shared a Søren Kierkegaard quote with me, as follows: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” If you have immediately begun scratching your head, fear not. Mr. Kierkegaard is considered to be one of the very first existentialist philosophers and as such, his sentiments can be a bit tougher to digest. They are not typically obvious or straight forward and might require a deeper dive to understand. In the end, and in keeping with the idea of existentialism, it is most authentic to formulate your own personal understanding based on your own feelings and interpretation. That said, I am still going to stick with my typical formula and share some of my thoughts and feelings where the quote is concerned.
I would like to begin my exploration into the quote with an oversimplified “translation” of sorts. In my mind, this sentence advises that hindsight is a powerful and useful teacher. When we take the time to self-reflect, we are challenged to examine our past behavior. We are called upon to review the choices we’ve made in the context of the resulting consequences. Huh? Yeah, I know.
Let’s start with an incredibly silly example and build from there. Someone asks you if you are pleased with the decision you made to try a new restaurant. If the same question was asked as the meal was underway, you might immediately say yes. You are caught up in the moment and have not yet experienced anything that would cause a different response. Asked a few days later and the question might encourage a completely different response. The service declined as the night went on, the valet took ages to find your car, and the food gave you brutal heartburn that lasted the remainder of the evening. As you know the restaurant was newly opened, you might, after running the evening’s events through your mind, be inclined to give it another go or you might decide that there were too many issues and therefore, it is not worth it. Your experience might not only teach you to avoid that particular restaurant in the future, but it might even caution you against trying a restaurant that has recently been opened. Perhaps you make an unspoken rule for yourself that restaurants must be open a few months and there must be positive reviews for you to give it a whirl. Or maybe, you are unwilling to create a rule after your experience and you decide to limit your reaction to only the restaurant you went to. Your evening, disastrous as it was, is not sufficient impetus to “punish” other restaurants.
If you are still with me, I imagine that this post sounds somewhat similar to others bearing a ‘learn from your mistakes’ theme. On one hand, this is a true and intentional action on my part. I want all of my messages to contain a uniform and cohesive sentiment. On the other hand, I intend to introduce another component that breathes new life into this particular topic.
Have you ever looked at the actions of another and found yourself absolutely mystified? This has to be a rhetorical question on some level. I am talking about a very specific type of puzzlement. I am referring to situations where someone makes a choice or behaves in a certain way that is surprising based on their past experiences. The easiest point of reference? As a full grown adult, Sarah dated Jack for a few years. Sarah and Jack had a tumultuous and even ugly relationship. Sarah expressed feeling maligned, disrespected, and even neglected where her relationship was concerned. Sarah and Jack break up and spend 3 years apart. In the fourth year following their break-up, Sarah reconnects with Jack and expresses an interest in getting back together. After a relatively short period of time, Sarah and Jack rekindle their romance and are back to their old tricks. You are utterly confused. What in the actual fuck? Why? Sure, people can work on themselves and change and grow, but at its very core, their relationship was dark and twisty. Sarah and Jack were a pair of ill-fitting puzzle pieces. The easy answer is that Sarah doesn’t want to be alone (nor does Jack) and even in dysfunction, there is an easy familiarity. The more complicated analysis takes those points into consideration but layers in Sarah’s nuanced look-back.
Retrospective examination can prove fruitful, but it can also be tainted and skewed based on the decisions that one might want to make or the appearance they might want to give the world. Sarah could have already decided that she wants to get back together with Jack and so she blurs her memories to be supportive of that decision. She places the blame more on herself, unfairly stresses irrelevant factors (i.e. professional stress that didn’t exist, etc.), and even outright challenges her remembrance of particular situations. Maybe that never really happened that way after all, right?! If that’s true and Sarah’s learning doesn’t really appear to be very productive, what do we make of THE quote?
Well I’m loathe to break this to you but the quote doesn’t say anything about the intelligence of said living or how many times one might “live” a particular experience. To the contrary, I might argue that there is a suggestion of perpetual motion in spite of whatever lessons we are meant to learn. Whether or not we understand the futility of certain behavior or decisions has more to do with when we look back, how honest we are with ourselves in doing so, and whether we have the courage to allow that knowledge to shape our future decisions.
An additional challenge that exists in this whole exercise was illuminated in my restaurant example above. Do I really need to have a negative experience with a particular person to shape my decision-making or can I extrapolate general lessons that are applicable to any relationship? In sticking with the Sarah and Jack example, other life experiences might have taught Sarah that trying a new relationship with an old flame is rarely successful and to the contrary, is often a painful waste of time. That doesn’t necessarily mean that Sarah should avoid Jack at all costs, but it might mean that she treads lightly, with eyes wide open.
Does this exercise encourage you to shy away from new “uninformed” decisions? No. It is meant to create a baseline, one that protects you from time to time or perhaps one that gives you a heads-up regarding what’s in store when you are keen to take a risk. It teaches and sometimes it warns. There are times the lessons are entirely obvious and other occasions where the teachings unfold slowly. However they present, they are often the very real manifestation of the ever popular “everything happens for a reason.” Does that make sense? What we glean from any one situation or experience will often quell the mystery surrounding why the hell something happened to begin with. I am not suggesting that there is always a satisfying learning experience. Sometimes it is frustrating as hell. In my case, I felt pretty pissed off that I had to endure a broken relationship for five years and a massively shitty break-up in order to learn what I needed to work on. Couldn’t it have been a one year relationship? Couldn’t the break-up have been a little less drawn out and heart-wrenching? Maybe but probably not. I had a LOT of shit to learn. My past had shown me that I’m not prone to a quick righting of the ship. I usually need some real rock bottom shit to lift my head up and make the changes that need to be made.
This whole concept is a tough one. It suggests that we have to make mistakes to figure everything out. We need context and experience. Thoughtful consideration alone is not the way. There is also the distinct and very, very real possibility that the ‘why’ that is presented is wholly unsatisfying. Why did I not get that promotion? Maybe because a humbling was required or perhaps because you are meant to move away, not up. Why did I meet the perfect person for me but they are realistically unavailable? Maybe your standards require a reset or you need to experience a little taste of perfect to restore your faith and seek the same in available form. These ‘whys’ might sound good but in reality they suck. In the moment they carry disappointment and rejection. Well, sorry to burst the proverbial bubble, but those feelings are also entirely necessary if growth is to happen.
Have you learned anything new? Maybe not. Do you understand what all of this means? Not sure. Let me see if I can tie this up a bit more neatly, maybe throw in a bow, and then let’s regroup.
We know the utility of these lessons. We understand how they might shape and guide us. We even understand that there is no formula for how many times we need to revisit a lesson and in what form before it resonates with us. How are we meant to really understand the relationship between a life fully lived and in perpetual motion and the understanding that comes as a result of that motion?
Well I can tell you that people didn’t stop eating Oreos when the article came out crucifying Nabisco for its use of trans fats. Why? Well, people were already informed. Maybe they didn’t know the full extent of the “danger” behind the cookie, but they also didn’t think they were eating a carrot stick. They took the new information and either accepted it as further affirmation of what they already know (Oreos= junk food/indulgence) or perhaps they made subtle adjustments to the way in which they consumed Oreos (maybe they are a serving size only kind of treat).
You don’t need to overhaul who you are and how you behave in the world because of the information you’ve received as a result of past behavior. You can use it to reaffirm and support what you already know, you can use it to make more intelligent decisions, or you can use it as a “this action is going to result in _____ which is going to suck this bad” kind of thing.
There is no right or wrong. No one is policing your gathering of said information, your analysis, or even your application. Just tell yourself that it’s there for you, created by you. Each experience leaves a breadcrumb. A teeny bit of information that may or may not be used at any time you wish.
I am reliable in my gathering and analysis of my breadcrumbs, but somewhat varied when it comes to application. I never move into a decision blind or ignorant or in denial. Sometimes I am just willing to accept the consequences of certain behavior because it is something I need and that need outweighs any other consideration.
I can’t write a script or formula for you here. Everything you encounter are ultimately your experiences and your understandings. Very subjective and entirely personal. Whatever you make of all of this, I am only encouraging you to be more conscious.
I know you have it in you but the good news is that the only one who will know the difference is you. So don’t tell me, just tell yourself.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 