When I was a kid my mom would often tell this story of something that happened when I was a toddler. The story goes that we were meeting up with good friends of my grandparents and one half of the couple leaned in and scooped me up. Immediately my lower lip started to tremble and my eyes filled with tears. She was a sweet woman and thus, horrified at my reaction and looked to my mother for an answer on how to proceed. My mom gently informed her that I just needed a little more time warming up to people than others. She kindly suggested that I be put down and encouraged a more subtle introduction. Just like that I was placed on the floor, standing on my own two feet. This woman then leaned down and introduced herself to me to which I responded calmly and sans tears. Of course, this gave everyone a good giggle in the vicinity and any wounded feelings were quickly forgotten.
Most people believe that my mother shares this anecdote because it is just so darn cute. Spoiler alert: when my mom tells the story there is greater description and flourish as she vividly remembers the event clearly whereas I do not. She tells the story in such a way where her retelling actually enables the listener to have something of a visceral experience, unlike that which is accomplished by my quick recounting. They feel compassion for the woman, for me, and even for my mother. They cringe imagining the overwhelming awkwardness and feel palpable relief when the peaceful resolution is shared. With that said, I don’t think that’s why she tells the story. I don’t believe she is trying to be gratuitously entertaining or endeavoring to establish herself as the center of attention. I know she never does anything to prove or demonstrate what a good mom she was or is. I actually think the telling of that particular story is the equivalent of placing a sort of product warning sticker on my forehead. You know what I am referring to, no? ‘Colors may bleed…single person lift may cause injury…do not allow children to play with…’ and so on and so forth. In actuality, the telling of that story is the closest you might get to my mother stringing a ‘fragile, handle with care’ around my neck.
Don’t get me wrong, my mother has always been my most ardent and vocal supporter. She is loving and has always been and continues to be one of the most encouraging people in my life. The story is not meant to be critical of me. She just recognizes that while I appear the same on the outside, I am built a little bit differently than some others deep down. Given that awareness earlier on in my life, she took to using this word of caution to make things a little easier for whomever I was interacting with. Moreover, I believe that the story was used as a mechanism to protect me. The idea was to give those around me a bit of instruction so they might be more mindful of the way they interacted with me.
I want to be clear that this is not just a bit of sensitivity on my part. Certainly, I am sensitive. This is something bigger, something more. In addition to the above referenced story, my mom will from time to time remind me how I’ve also always been more in the habit of actually asking for a hug from time to time. Put another way, I’m as ‘as needed’ hugger. In truth, I have never been overly receptive to uninvited touch nor am I super cuddly. Furthermore, my head space is an extremely important factor in the discussion of touch. It should come as no surprise that my ability to articulate that sentiment as a kid was a lot more challenging than it is now. Though I will admit that people are not that much more sympathetic to or understanding of it now that I’m an adult. Although it is clearly my problem and mine alone, I believe people often feel slighted or put off when they encounter this side of me. I have actually been around some folks who see it as something of a challenge. They believe themselves to be the catalyst required to known down this so-called wall and get me to change my perception and interaction. I don’t think I need to tell you that this is not a well-thought out plan. I have trusted the wrong people and made the bad decision to let down my guard, but not because they forced me to. It was simply a choice I made.
This “issue” of mine has a variety of components and nuances but mostly it can be described as a very delicate and significant need for personal space. This need is evidenced both in my physical interactions with people and my emotional proximity. I want to be clear that this propensity did not emerge as a result of harm or trauma. However, difficult situations I’ve experienced did exacerbate the issue. Perhaps I need to expand on that thought.
There have been some people that I’ve ‘let in’ only to discover that they are not a proper fit in my life. I feel more vulnerable for having allowed them to touch me physically and emotionally. I am left feeling drained and exhausted because first I have to shut the door that I had erroneously opened, then I have to do the work to discover why I felt safe opening it to begin with, and then I have to move beyond the matter in my mind to be open to engaging again with someone else. This sounds like a pretty standard situation but I assure you, it is anything but regular. I am not suggesting that my experience is necessarily one of a kind, but simply acknowledging that it is a little unusual. I don’t just feel sad or mad or rejected or confused when things go south with someone I’ve invited in. I feel like my body is having some sort of allergic reaction. I am super sensitive and nearly everything with that person or even others surrounding me at the time, feels injurious.
Many animals, even those of lesser intelligence, adapt in some way once they recognize a flaw in the operation of their daily life. They desire to thrive and sort out what they might need to do to move away from that thing or person that poses a risk to the ability to flourish. You must be able to call to mind certain examples of this experiential-driven change. Animals and their environments change structurally, behaviorally, and physiologically in order to offer the best chance at the longest-term survivability. Ironically, these adaptions might not always serve in the long-term. I mean, can you say pinky toes or wisdom teeth? These body parts might have emerged as a response to some certain thing but when that thing doesn’t exist any longer, the adaption is not phased out. Rather, the creature experiencing the adaption lives with the useless thing, whatever that may be. I suppose you could say that they adapt to their adaptions. Why is this? Well, the same thing that encourages the adaption doesn’t necessarily trigger its roll back. The removal of the adaption could require work and emotionality that is just beyond what is accessible. More than anything, it is likely that the adaption has not become harmful, but is instead just sort of useless, thus a grand effort to get rid of it is seemingly unnecessary.
Sadly, but not surprisingly, my adaption does not fall into that category. I only recently recognized that I often gravitate towards situations that are more dead end-ish. Yup. You heard me right. I nurture and cultivate situations where it is fairly evident that they will go nowhere. Why? Safety. Security. That’s not to say that I cannot be hurt in those situations. I could be grievously harmed, but in a different way. Rejection and heartbreak in situations that don’t hold much hope feel awful but it all feels manageable and surmountable. The same in a “real” situation is unbearably painful. It is like being punched over and over again and having no idea where to block first to avoid the inevitable pain. The ‘wall-drop’ with someone or something real makes me vulnerable in a way that I find intolerable. If shit falls apart, I have to face that I chose to be picked up and hugged and kissed and coddled. I made that choice and the choice was a bad one. That revelation is nearly toxic. Not only do I feel wounded but I also question every instinct that took me there to begin with. I think, revisit, and obsess. I suffer. I pull away.
The thing is, that adaption doesn’t serve me. Not much anyway. Yes, it takes me further away from the possibility of real heartbreak but it also swirls me around the proverbial drain. It keeps me in situations that do not nurture me. Don’t get me wrong as I am not trying to suggest that a casual relationship or one without a future is the worst idea ever conceived. There is just a place and time. I am merely pointing out that the choice to engage in something of that nature should be just that, a meaningful choice and not a fallback or self-protective mechanism. I often move towards those possibilities as a fear response and not an active choice. I even have a whole narrative that I employ that defends that choice in a way that appears empowering and significant.
The truth is that there is no gaping wound that exists inside of me that I could theoretically fix to make the whole relationship and interaction bit easier for me (or those around me). My insecurities or dysfunction or little broken bits actually have nothing to do with that particular part of my make-up. That is just the funny way that I was built. Now that I am nearing 40, I can easily share that my sensitivity goes beyond standard emotional sensitivity. I can admit that I have a heightened sensitivity physically, emotionally, and physiologically, that makes it challenging to share my life. I won’t delve further into details, but needless to say, anyone that has been a significant part of my life already knows what I mean. Fixing that part(s) of me is not really an option. However, my adaption of avoidance doesn’t really serve me either.
If you are still reading this, I imagine you are wondering what this has to do with you and your life. Well, we all have shit that leads us to adaption. We have our innate build and make-up (how we are born) and then we have learned behaviors. Nature versus nurture, if you will. Who we are and what we experience often leads us to mold ourselves and our environment to accommodate and to avoid difficulty and/or obstacles. These adaptions might serve us during a healing period, but we have to circle back to see if they still work for us long term. It is easier to resign ourselves to the point that they all do, but that is not reality. In fact, the adaptions that we’ve made could be detrimental to our future growth and flourishing. But, while it is hard to identify those harmful or useless adaptions, it is even harder to phase them out. It takes a sort of courage that most of us don’t have conveniently waiting on deck.
Before we can take the leap of faith required to tackle these adaptions, we need to fully accept certain basic truths. I believe that these truths are fairly universal (for everyone in any situation) which is why I am going to share them with you. You have to believe that you will survive whatever comes as a result of phasing out the adaption; that the right people and situations will not even necessitate the use of an adaption; and that even if you don’t meet the right people or encounter the right situations (which you will, hopefully), you will be fine and that which you attract with your adaption is not “better” than rolling solo. I don’t think I’ve encountered the “right” situations but been too focused on the “wrong” situations to devote appropriate energy. That said, who really knows? So long as I am putting energy into that which feels safer, who knows what I missed out on? Who knows what I am missing out on right now?
You can tell yourself a whole story how you are fine. Maybe you are and you don’t need to hear any of this. Maybe you are the partner in a relationship or friendship borne of adaption. If you look close enough, you can tell. Adaption can be evidenced through someone resigning themselves to a situation, otherwise known as settling. If you can’t tell, I have a simple solution for you. This goes for yourself or anyone else. Ask yourself OR that other person what they want. Simple, eh? That’s all you need to do. Pay attention to the response. Are you lying about what you really want? Is the other person? Is there nervousness or are there caveats surrounding the reply? Can you feel a lack of authenticity? Do your or their words sound great but the actions don’t seem to match?
This is one of the toughest topics to explore and tackle because it requires letting go of a security blanket or encouraging someone else to do the same. This is a most valuable and rewarding exercise but it will require that you (or someone) be cracked wide open. You will be exposed. However, you will eventually move through those transitional feelings into something more stable. You will be entering relationships (or exiting) without having to remember how you are supposed to be. Rather, you will just be you.
‘Tis scary but I cannot think of a better use of your time and energy. Can you?
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 