I was recently speaking with a friend who is about to interview for a new job. He was telling me how nervous he is because he felt like the outcome of this particular interview would set the stage for the latter half of his career. In fact, he shared that he felt like the interview had a unique ability to materially shape his life for a variety of reasons. I told him that I completely believe in his ability to land the job but I also acknowledged certain external factors that could block that from happening. I finished my supportive pep talk with a “no matter what, everything happens for a reason” closer.
We got off the phone and I lay there in the dark thinking about the words I had spoken. The truth is that I used to fucking despise when people gave me the whole “everything happens for a reason” nonsense. Really. Despise. I knew they meant well but it didn’t just feel trite, it felt condescending and honestly, like this insane pressure. I think I’ve spoken about this a little before now, but bear with me. I promise you that I am going somewhere new-ish.
Okay. So, the whole manifest destiny business used to make me feel like I had to make my personal disappointment or tragedy into something meaningful. I had to turn my heartbreak into triumph. I mean that sounds good and even inspiring, but what a bunch of bullshit. Right? In reality, that one little sentiment took away my ability to grieve or just be super pissed off. I had to be grateful. Well, fuck that noise. Furthermore, as I’ve explored in a fairly cursory way, I’m also not terribly religious so the idea of thanking some benevolent higher power for making me suffer so I could emerge stronger or begging said power to show me the “reason” is entirely implausible. The last ditch ‘maybe this could be a good thing’ thought involves using the inevitability factor as motivation, but again, I am not someone who needs a reason to power through to the other side where acceptance or healing live.
So how do I reconcile the whole “reason” business given who I am and what I believe in? What about that concept works enough that I feel comfortable spreading that particular type of love to others?
Well, given enough time and self-analysis, I realized that the universe has a fucked up sense of humor and sometimes what we want, we don’t get. It may mean that better is on the horizon. It may mean that we need or needed a shift. I don’t understand a lot of what I’ve experienced but I know without question that I’ve met people and felt and seen things that I likely would not have met and felt and seen. So when I say to someone who I care for ‘what’s meant to be, will be’…it is not said lightly. It is not said without a full understanding of how much that individual deserves what they are hoping and wishing for. It is not said with a wish and a prayer. It’s just a fact I’ve come to accept through unimaginable heartache.
Great, so what now?
Well now we can use that knowledge in making certain decisions in our lives. We can use that fact as momentum or to inspire a speck of bravery. I don’t believe that the idea of paved path should inspire recklessness or dangerous behavior. Not even a little. I do believe that this information can be used to find a smidgen of light at the end of the tunnel and/or more appropriately, have a greater appreciation for what is delivered to us as a result of these sometimes shitty but ultimately life affirming moves.
I’ve shared some of the loveliness that emerged as a result of my last relationship falling apart. My family and certain friends rallied around me. I found a resiliency within me that I quite frankly didn’t know existed. Well, I’ve at least spoken about my ability to move forward and push through. I’ve touched on but not expansively discussed some of the more minor fear-busting that emerged. As I’ve discussed quite a bit, I had within me a deep-rooted fear of loss, rejection and abandonment. Those feelings, pervasive as they were to begin with, were reinforced and made more profound by the spectacular ending of my [dysfunctional] relationship. Not only did this fear encourage me to behave in a certain way when in a relationship, but it would also stop me or at least make me hesitate before I engaged with others. In other words, I would prevent myself from connecting to avoid the pain of rejection and/or abandonment.
I don’t intend to stop being brutally honest on this blog, so I am going to admit something embarrassing and difficult. The connections that I avoided weren’t just the big ones. It was not simply that I was afraid to start a romantic relationship or have a tough talk with a family member. I was terrified to put myself out there with anyone, at any time. Yes, you read that right. There were very few situations where I felt comfortable reaching out across the wire and letting someone know that I desired a connection. Mostly, I retreated. Everywhere. I mean E V E R Y W H E R E. The gym, my neighborhood coffee shop, while teaching yoga, and so on, and so forth. I was so terrified that it colored every single interaction I had. I trusted no one and craved the solace of the solitary confinement of my own making.
If you’ve landed here before, you know some of what happened regarding my stages of grief but just in case, I’ll give you a quick run through. I was super sad and a little mad. Then I was a lot mad and empowered. Then I was sad again and scared. Then I began to take responsibility for my part in the whole mess and I was self-deprecating and well, depressed. Then I took ownership and learned and grew and began to dig out. I felt less sad and more aware and thankful. I began to fully appreciate the beautiful things around me and to make smaller the mistakes I had made. I slowly realized all the ways in which I could avoid some of that pain and anger in the future. This is where the desire to reengage reignited. But I was still a little mouse. I was stronger and wizened, but still delicate in the deepest parts of my heart and soul. I was resistant to test my newly found resolve.
So, I started small. I started with the gym and the coffee shop and yoga. I started with strangers who meant little to me. I began interacting with people who I felt didn’t have the position of power or love to harm me in the way that I feared. It was like trying solid food again after suffering with a stomach bug. I ate a cracker. Just one. I had some broth with rice. I didn’t sit down to a burger and fries. I slowly eased myself back into all of it again. I cut myself slack and gave myself room to get scared and retreat, but just a little. Not all the way.
I smiled when it was difficult and yes, I made small talk about the weather. I put myself in uncomfortable situations and when I felt that little pang in my stomach or my heart, I pushed through it. I did all the things that made me anxious and I hung in there until the feeling passed. I didn’t talk about what I was doing with the people I was close to. Partially because I didn’t trust very many people at the time (of course, I did have my ride or die tribe) but mostly because I didn’t want to feel defeated or like I was disappointing others if I needed to take a breather. If I needed to retract.
And MAN did it pay off in spades. Don’t get me wrong, I had some awkward as fuck encounters. Like really magically deliciously uncomfortable situations. But, I figured it out. I persevered. I persisted. I decided that I wanted those little (and big) opportunities enough to feel my way through it. I was vulnerable and I reached out across the emotional tarmac to foster new relationships. The friends that I’ve accumulated in the last few years mean so much to me. These people saw me at my weakest, when I was just regaining my sea legs, and loved me anyway. They encouraged and supported me and in turn, I loved them hard. I gave them all the friendship and feelings that I was so scared to give up and give away. I was, I AM so grateful for these opportunities.
Maybe you are ready and maybe you aren’t. You can decide that your life is shit and only crap happens to you. That bit is usually easy because as humans, we suffer. Or you can work your way through it and believe that the bits that emerge, that good stuff, those are your reasons.
I still pause. A lot. I still hesitate and sweat and gulp and fear. I also connect and love and like and talk and laugh.
Connection is just my destiny, it might not be yours. I can’t promise you that accepting your destiny will always be easier, but I can assure you that not accepting it is definitely harder.
Until the next…
L.
This post is dedicated to one of my “new” friends, LB. Our unlikely friendship was forged over Instagram (of all the gd places) and for that reason alone, I will always argue that there is some merit to social media. Happiest of birthdays my dear LB. May this trip around the sun bring you all the rainbows and light that you so graciously bring to those who are lucky enough to stumble across your path.
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