I am going to share a tidbit from my brain that floated around for a good part of the weekend. Ready? I think we spend a lot of time vacillating between who we are and who we really want to be. I mean I do and I don’t think I am alone in that feeling. I think sometimes it is a very conscious exercise and other times it is just this situation that exists, without any real effort on our part.
Do I think that some people have nefarious intentions and are more cognizant of the discrepancy between who they are and who they are presenting to the world? Unquestionably, yes. Do I think there are slews of people who have the best of intentions but just can’t seem to bridge the gap? Yup. I actually think I am a person that falls into that latter category. I am trying to dig out of it and find myself in a more authentic spot, but it isn’t easy.
This situation can present in several different ways. It can be super minor like I want to be someone who likes spicy food but I’m not (I mean, I do…but common example). Or it can be major, like I think it is okay that my partner doesn’t care for my parents, but really, it’s not. There is a wide spectrum and most folks find themselves prancing up and down that particular field on a regular basis. I think the problem is that once we find ourselves comfortable accepting an untruth when it comes to something minor (yes, that’s exactly what it is), we can more easily get on board when it’s something significant.
Some of you might be shaking your heads. You might think that maybe you could cross the line when facing some seemingly inconsequential situation but given higher stakes you would employ a vastly different justification process. I don’t entirely disagree with that analysis except that I would argue if you’ve conceded a point that you know to be false, you’ve already created a baseline cognitive bias that I believe will automatically sway your rationalization in a particular direction. It looks something like this: well, if ____________ doesn’t bother me, I guess it’s silly to take a stand on ______________.
Why does this really matter? Aren’t there a plethora of books on the market that tell us that being in a real relationship or forging a lasting friendship or settling into a satisfying career mean compromising? Perhaps but perhaps we need a more realistic understanding of what compromise actually means. I’ve touched on this a bit before, but I’d like to address this concept within the confines of this topic.
As usual, I am going to speak from my particular place of understanding. I am going to share what my experience has taught me. I am not an expert nor am I a professional. But, I am a living breathing human who has made more than my fair share of mistakes in this particular arena. I have learned some painful lessons and I feel like I have a more solid understanding of what may work.
For me, compromise is not radically shifting who you are or what you believe in to please or appeal to others. Compromise is most successful when you already have a rock-solid foundation, made up of your values and fundamental wants and needs. You can effectively compromise if you understand your non-negotiable points. Much like the areas in which you begin to compromise, these ‘do not fuck with them/me’ points can be teeny tiny or absolutely major. It is not for anyone to tell you what’s what, and if they do, feel free to ignore them completely.
I can give you a silly example and then a more significant one so we can more easily find ourselves on the same page. I like spicy food. I even like super spicy food. I do NOT like hot. I don’t mean temperature either. I mean wasabi or ghost peppers. For me spice enhances the flavor of food and hot eradicates it entirely. It blottos out the delicious factor and then hangs around to remind you of its presence. I am not criticizing those who like hot flavored food. I am asserting that I am not one of those people. So, if someone asks me to try something that is ‘hot’, I will always politely decline. I don’t need to see if that particular type of hot is acceptable to me. I’m 39. I’ve tried a fair amount of hot food and I’ve disliked it all. I don’t feel embarrassed or silly or closed-minded when I say ‘no thank you.’ I don’t need to try that one thing just because someone is promising me that my experience will be drastically different. I feel the same way about over-communicators. I like communicating. I like texting and talking on the phone. More than anything, I love sitting in front of another human and conversing. I don’t like communication that feels like an assault. I don’t like an onslaught of communication that doesn’t allow for a thoughtful response and quickly feels like a stressor. I don’t care for people who challenge my interest in them as humans because I can’t keep up with rapid fire communication. That doesn’t feel meaningful to me. It feels overwhelming and provokes a flight response in me. I shut down. I look for an escape hatch. I don’t promise people that I will try and “do better” because I won’t. Not because I don’t care or because I am a terrible communicator, but because that is not my preferred method and style of communication.
Okay, I’ve set the stage with two topics that illustrate my point. I think it would be helpful if I suggested where or how compromise is appropriate within these topics. I am more than willing to try new food. I don’t torture people asking them to qualify whether something is hot or spicy. Typically the ingredients will tell me that but if that information is not available, I make a decision with whatever information I have in front of me. If I am sharing food with someone, I will often advise that I have no issue with ordering something that has a ‘hot’ component (i.e. sauce, etc.) but kindly request that it is placed on the side of the dish such that I have the option of trying without jumping in fully and completely.
When it comes to communication, I am willing to hear what works or doesn’t work for someone. I am also willing to be more communicative than would be my norm or less (though that has never been an issue). I am not willing to commit to a paradigm that exists outside of the universe I feel most comfortable with…not even a little. This is not because I am stubborn or unwilling to consider a different point of view. This is because I know it is not my nature or comfort zone and that eventually, trying to pretend like it is would degrade the relationship. I would feel resentful and/or stressed and nothing about it would be good experience, for me or for the other person. To be clear, my compromise would be actually responding and advising and acknowledging a text, advising that I was at work and would need to revert back later. My compromise would not be sending a selfie every morning when I wake up.
I might be the person who wants to like hot food or wants to be a more responsive communicator but I’m just not. I have also grown out of pretending. My faking it or convincing myself that it’s all good, only led to total disaster. I was trying to make everyone else happy but I was entirely miserable. I was entirely inauthentic and felt exhausted from keeping up a façade.
This might not be your experience. You might feel more comfortable wearing a mask for the world and compromising out the ass and then stripping down to bare bones you when you are in the comfort of your own home. That is just not who I am, and I haven’t met too many folks who can keep that up for too long without there being some sort of blow-back. The vaster the divide between who you are and who you show the world, the more space exists to house insecurity, self-loathing, and stress. Truly. When you allow that space to sit there, you breed discontent. You have to spend time remembering who you have created so that you can constantly have that person show up. When you are just you that is that. Like it or lump it. It makes your decision to compromise (or not) easier.
I feel comfortable that the people who currently share my life or might share my life at some point, have come to a place of acceptance when it comes to who I am, deep down inside. They might cheer for the broadening or my horizons or growth in other arenas, but they don’t feel the need to push me to change. They like or love me for what I bring to the table. Here is the crazy thing, when you only invite people in who accept you for who you are, it makes it so much easier to continue being who you are. I know this sounds ridiculously intuitive but I really think that sometimes this fact is neglected or forgotten. When you shepherd in people who like you for who they want you to be or who constantly push you to change, you will find yourself feeling lonely and anxiety-ridden. You will forever be walking a tightrope, waiting for them to discover you are not who you purport to be. Your truth will turn into a bad day, an off day, or a passing moment.
If you own who you are and close (or making smaller) the divide when it comes to your outward facing self, you will find yourself swimming in calmer waters. That’s a promise, and I take promises very seriously.
You don’t have to take this on all at once. Just like every other suggestion on this blog, I would implore you to take small steps towards authenticity. Next time someone asks you to try a food that you KNOW you don’t like, just smile and say no thank you. If you they push, say no thank you again. If they are unrelenting, explain that you are not “yucking their yum”, that you respect their food choice but it is just simply not something you are interesting in trying. It sounds easy but moving away from this particular breed of people pleasing can be one of the most challenging adventures we embark on.
Pick a topic. Pick a person. Stand your ground. Go forth. Be honest. Be you.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 