July.

I’ve been holding my breath

I’ve been counting to ten

Over something you said

I’ve been holding back tears

While you’re throwing back beers

I’m alone in bed
You know I, I’m afraid of change
Guess that’s why we stay the same
So tell me to leave, I’ll pack my bags, get on the road
Find someone that loves you better than I do, darling, I know
‘Cause you remind me every day, I’m not enough, but I still stay
Feels like a lifetime
Just tryna get by
While we’re dying inside
I’ve done a lot of things wrong
Loving you being one
But I can’t move on
You know I, I’m afraid of change
Guess that’s why we stay the same

 

-Noah Cyrus, July

I’ve talked about the power of music before. I’ve explained how for me there are sounds that profoundly resonate. They speak to the place I’m at in my life currently or take me back to places where I’ve been before. First of all, if you’ve never heard Noah Cyrus before, I’d invite you to give a listen. Don’t judge (good or bad) based on her lineage and try to steer away from the dance-y clubby shit. Try ‘Lonely’ or ‘July’. Close your eyes and allow the power and emotion of her voice to speak to you. It might not be the genre of music you are typically drawn to, but I would be shocked if it evokes nothing within you. Anyway, music bullying sesh over.

This song BLEW MY MIND. Why? Because that’s exactly who I was. Who I used to be. Who I fear returning to. If I were to pick an anthem for the ‘unworthy’ tribe today, July would be it. There is so much embedded in the song, so much to unwrap. There are so many small sentiments that when put together, add up to permitted abuse, self-loathing, immobilization, and cycles of mistreatment by oneself and others.

There are a few distinctive ideas or elements in the lyrics that I want to address because they really strike a chord with me (every pun intended).

Right outta the gate, the song conveys how unbelievably challenging it is to find the courage to speak up during times of strife or unhappiness. As I’ve spoken about quite a few times, there is an inherent value in taking a pause before reacting to anything. That said, the pause should not serve to deter or derail. It should be used for clarity, for courage, for reason. So many times in my life, I’ve used space and time to create more space and time between me and my action, or reaction. I’ve looked for impetus that seemingly never comes. I’ve talked myself out of things. I’ve unendingly questioned my judgment and intuition. I’ve looked for reasons and then feigned surprise when they came to me; a wave of justification and acceptance. I’ve swallowed tears and endeavored to ignore the ever growing lump in my throat or flutter in my belly.

This place, where breath is held and tears are choked back, is where the balance comes into play. This is the exact point in time where we have to understand what it means to carefully consider our actions and what it means to give up altogether.  The pause, the time, must be used productively. We must use these moments to nourish ourselves and make decisions that will serve us.

Why don’t we? We do we use the pause to hide? To shrink?

Fear. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. So much fear. Fear that consumes us, drives us, challenges us, and defeats us. I’ve also talked about this fear. How do we combat this fear in the moments we have to contemplate a relationship or an interaction? We ask ourselves why we are so goddamn afraid. We force ourselves to be painfully candid in answering such a question. Why am I afraid to say I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m disappointed, or I’m confused? Why am I so terrified to admit that it would be best if I left? The good news is that you only have to conduct this conversation with yourself. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone else, unless you choose to. So, be really fucking brutally honest. Own your answers in the most real way you can. I’m afraid to be alone. I’m afraid for people to think I’m dysfunctional or I fucked up. I’m afraid to start over. I’m afraid of not engaging in the same pattern that has become comfortable for me, albeit indirectly painful. Write. Ponder. Do what you have to do, but answer the question why in the most real way that you can. Remind yourself that you cannot combat a fear unless you understand its depth and impact.

When we finally pause, explore, and then admit to ourselves that we need to change, why do we then look to someone else to make the first move? Why do we give someone else permission to leave sooner than taking action ourselves? This is for the very same reasons. Fear. We foolishly believe that if someone else makes the decision it will make things easier. They will be the ultimate reason why. They have given up, they have killed all hope, and they have failed. We know a decision has to be made and action needs to be taken but we look to someone else to execute. This could be due to skillful gaslighting on the part of a friend, partner, or manager, or this could just be ‘not I’ syndrome. You know what I mean, right? I’m okay with it happening, so long as I’m not the one to do it. That’s not really true though, is it? At the end of the day, when we make that decision, we become powerless. We relinquish control and find ourselves back in a place of waiting with baited breath. We tell someone else that their feelings, their needs, and their wants supersede our own.

With every moment that passes where the person “in change” doesn’t make the decision we need them to make, a piece of us grows dark and small. We begin to question everything, to trust nothing, and to retreat. We felt like we were protecting ourselves and yet we end up more exposed and more vulnerable than ever before. We sit haplessly and pray that they wish to put us out of our misery soon. We hope that the next day will be the day of reckoning, of awareness.

Here’s some good news in this doomsday scenario: it is never too late to take your power back. Never.  At any point in time, you can decide that you’ve had enough and it does not serve you to wait and wonder. Moreover, you can decide that you are not unworthy. You can accept the knowledge that you have a good deal to offer and whether or not this other human is capable of acknowledging such, has no real bearing. This sounds great but easier said than done, right? These are just words. You have to figure out how to really get there. I can give you some tips but the short answer is the same as I’ve shared over and over again. You just have to do the work. You have to plow through the negativity and self-deprecation to find a light at the end of the tunnel.

What if you can’t yet decide that you are not the person that you are being painted as? What if you are not ready to sing your value from the rooftops? What if you start with just allowing yourself to explore that there is no real need to explore fault and you are simply ready to acknowledge that the situation continuing as it exists simply does not make sense. It is entirely nonsensical. It causes pain and confusion and stress and there is literally no reason for it. You can refine and build from there, but start from a point of ‘shit, this is NOT working.’

You CAN be brave. You CAN move on. You CAN find something redeeming about yourself. You CAN love someone or like a situation and still leave it. You CAN fear change and decide to change in spite of your fear. You CAN admit that you just don’t want to choke on tears anymore. You CAN want to change your mind one thousand times after you’ve found your truth and find a way to stay on course. Just let yourself feel all the feelings. I know, I’m annoying. I’ve said this a bunch. That’s because it is REALLY fucking true. Acknowledge how you feel. Don’t call it stupid or silly or ridiculous. Let it sit out there as valid emotion. Once you’ve validated how you feel, you’ll be shocked at how much easier it is to make decisions based on what feels better.

Sit in your car or lay on your bed and blast this song. Let yourself laugh or cry or scream. Admit that you’ve been this person and felt this way. Listen to it over and over again. Then decide that you just want it to be a really good song that speaks about a person you used to be.

Give it a shot. I know you can do it.

Until the next…

L.