ARGH.

I had a friend recently share with me that she is feeling frustrated with everything. I cannot begin to tell you how much I relate to this sentiment and how easily I recognize that sharing my understanding might also be a source of frustration. I know from my own share of difficult times that hearing someone relate often does not provide the comfort it should [in theory]. There are several reasons for this failed connection, but I think this is mostly the case because most humans feel like their experiences or situations are wholly unique and even if we can acknowledge that this isn’t the case, someone else’s struggle or pain doesn’t necessarily ease ours at all. Of course, this is a gross generalization. There are certainly instances where a shared experience can ease the solitary feeling that accompanies such. I am only recognizing the alternative here because it is more so the experience I have had myself and with this friend, specifically.

I cannot dive into this friend’s head and understand why they feel the way they do. In fact, I’m not certain they can identify the source of their pain. It’s not my place to determine, either way. Rather, I want to explore the times when I have felt this way and why knowing that others may be experiencing the same thing has not been helpful to me. Of course, the greatest irony here is that I am writing with the hope that my sharing can be helpful to you. Seems counter-intuitive or a waste of time, no? Well, maybe not. Sometimes when we can read someone’s thoughts and feelings instead of being presented with them life and in person, it allows for a necessary and valuable separation. We can choose when and how to absorb the information and we can even step away a bit and then come back when we are ready.

So, here I am presenting you with my corner of the universe and hoping you feel comfortable tip toeing in…when you are good and ready.

The expression ‘when it rains it pours’ came from somewhere. Right? There is great speculation as to where and when the sentiment first originated, but that isn’t so important. At some point in our vast history as humans, it was determined that there are moments where it feels like everything is shit. There is not one thing or one situation that is troubling, but rather, everything. Even those situations or things that are not falling apart during these times, are tinged with the stink of shit. Meaning, there is a dire and hopeless sense about all of it.

I’ve spoken to ‘this too shall pass’ before and so clearly, one tactic when feeling this way is to imagine a time when you will not feel the same. A break in the storm clouds, if you will. That’s all well and good but that migrates the discussion to the coping and ‘after’ side of the equation. I am looking to focus on the during. Why does this feeling come about? How can we wade through the feelings that overwhelm us ‘during’? While it may be helpful to imagine moving out of the head space, why is it usually a source of frustration to hear that others feel or have felt similarly?

I might have been misleading above. I don’t really have the faintest fucking clue as to why the feeling of ‘life sucks’ arises generally. I mean, I can tell you some of the reasons I’ve experienced but it is important to acknowledge that each person’s experience is deeply, well, personal. A few of the reasons I’ve stumbled upon ‘my life blows’ moments are as follows: I’ve made some bad decisions, the people closest to me have made some [bad] decisions that have impacted me, I haven’t gotten enough sleep, I’ve had a run of inexplicable bad luck, and Mercury was in retrograde. There are several other reasons, but those are a few that come immediately to mind. Truthfully, the only reasons that matter are those that we have the ability and power to change. We cannot change other people and unless you have something magical to share with me, we cannot change the universe.

What does this mean? Well, if we become more in-tune to how we are impacted by people and events (and the universe), we can start to take a more proactive stance, getting in front of the storm rather than being ravaged by it. This doesn’t mean that you are going to prevent the storm from coming. It means that you have the ability to better protect yourself when it hits.

You might have no clue what I am talking about, so let me get a little more specific. Again, this is a very personal process so you have to listen to what your mind, body, and soul say to YOU. Maybe you are more of an introvert and feel more comfortable when you are solitary, so you isolate yourself a little. That doesn’t mean removing yourself from society altogether, but rather, just being mindful about the plans you make, who you talk to, and how you talk to them. Maybe you are an extrovert, and so you decide to make anticipatory plans, surrounding yourself with the people you care for the most ‘during.’ Maybe you need a mix. Maybe you need exercise, comfort food, good books, or new music. These items and situations can also help you cope or make it through to the other side of these such times, but I am speaking of them as useful in helping respond to that initial onslaught. What you need when the storm hits might be different than what you need to emerge on the other side of it. Huh? Well, you might need to isolate when the world feels like it is imploding, but then reconnect to start to feel better again.

I know you’ve heard this before, but I’m not sorry….you do you. I cannot prescribe a specific response. You have to figure out what is going to make you happy or at least stable and then go from there. The one thing I can tell you is that you should try not giving a shit what other people think about your choice(s) or what the implications of your choice(s) mean. I know this is easier said than done, but don’t you have enough to worry about?

I have another friend going through a tough time and to cope, she is constantly going out and surrounding herself by people. She confided in me that she is afraid people will think less of her. She said that she is not running away from her problems or facing them, but rather, just seeking company to provide comfort while she makes some really tough decisions. I gave her the same advice I am giving you. Don’t worry about what other people think. That concern should be the farthest thing from your mind while you are navigating through emotional turmoil. First of all, they probably have their own shit to worry about and they are mostly projecting. Secondly, even if they aren’t projecting and genuinely are judging you, that is their problem, not yours (though you might want to carefully consider if they belong in your life). Thirdly, if you don’t do what you need to do and then get stuck in your pain, they will probably judge you for that too. So yeah, lose, lose.

I am not sharing all of this to make you despondent. I am sharing this to encourage you to try and customize your healing in a way that best suits you. If you are constantly working to bend your healing to suit someone else(s), I would bet money that you find yourself just short of ‘okay’ time and again.

The aforementioned reasons are similarly applied when speaking to why another person’s pain and/or shared experience is not always useful. Each person’s pain and experience is their own, so although we can share in each other’s sorrow and provide each other comradery and comfort, it is important to recognize that may not remove the pain or despondency. It could remove the feeling of freaky uniqueness, but outside of that, may do little else. In fact, when we are in the throes of our own shit, we have difficulty believing that someone else has or is experiencing something similar. We peer in from the outside and judge them and their lives with whatever [limited] information we have available. There is no QC to judge the accuracy of this assessment and yet, we make a determination and stick with it. Bottom line, we think they are telling us they understand just to make us feel better.

Sometimes when someone shares that they are struggling, this can actually cause a piling-on effect. Meaning, now the person is aware of someone else’s pain and they feel uncomfortable owning and expressing their own. Or, they feel like they should prioritize that person’s pain and attempt to be there for them, despite their internal struggle.

If you want to help a friend feel less alone, I’ve found that a good tactic is to caveat your sharing with language that acknowledges their unique pain and situation. For example, “I don’t know how you feel exactly, but I’ve had moments of struggle myself. I can’t do anything to fix it for you, but know that I am here if you want to talk.” Resist the urge to solve their problems, judge their actions, give tough-love advice, or minimize what they are feeling (i.e. oh come on, that’s not so bad). Try and listen.

On the flip side, if someone is sharing with you and you are finding it challenging or difficult, and you don’t care to write them off completely, maybe consider giving them some guidance in that department. What does that look like? “I am so grateful that I have you and to know that you are here for me when I need you. I am trying to figure out how to deal with this, and so I don’t need advice/guidance/explanation, but just need a friend to give me a hug/listen right now.” Don’t be afraid to express what you need. Don’t be afraid to tell someone that you appreciate that they are also struggling at the time, but you are not in a position to support them given your struggle and/or negative energy. Be honest. Always. Just. Be. Honest.

In fact, be honest with yourself. You should try not to spiral out, but as I’ve said before, you can let yourself feel. You can say out loud that it feels like everything sucks. Sometimes giving voice to that feeling is truly the first major step in working through it all.

Some days you wear two different socks, forget your lunch, find a rip in your cardigan, piss off your boss, fight with your best friend, and get a ding in your car. Sometimes each thing that happens is even worse than this list. Don’t immediately label this situation as karma or your life falling apart. We all have moments where it is pouring. You just have to explore whether it is a storm that is going to pass through or one that you’ll have to fly out of. Only you have the tools and ability to do so.

Either way, that determination is not anyone else’s journey. It’s yours. Like everything else, it starts with a step. Just one.

Until the next…

L.