I went out for a jog this morning. Nothing that revolutionary, except that it was…at least in the face of what has been going on for the last few weeks. I usually go to the gym in the mornings before work but since that is no longer an option for legal and practical reasons, I decided to hit the road. I know that I am someone who functions better when I have endorphins flowing, so stagnation during this time of great anxiety is just not a viable option if I am to remain a productive member of society.
The sun was set to rise at around 7 am in my town and so I had to prepare to run in the dark and well, in the rain. That meant raincoat, reflective clothing, and running sans headphones. You heard me right…I don’t run with music when it’s dark. Never have. I figure I need my wits completely about me to combat any zoned out driver, cyclist, or fellow pedestrian. Anyway, that meant I was going to run in complete silence save the thoughts running around my overburdened brain. My wish was to have a meditative run. A run where I shut out the craziness of this world we are now living in to give myself a moment of peace and quiet. No social media, no news, and no doomsday texts or emails. Just me and my crazy hair flying through the streets of E Rock on this rainy, dark, and quiet early morning.
It was so silent out on the streets that I could actually hear each tap of my sneaker on the asphalt. I contemplatively listened to the rhythm of my stride and watched my shadow person trail next to me as I made my way through my neighborhood. I brought a handkerchief with me. My sister taught me this trick a few years ago. Instead of bringing tissues (soggy, wasteful, gross, etc.), we use hankies to sop up our body’s itsy bitsy reaction to movement, particularly in the cooler weather. Why do I bring this up to you? Well, mostly because I was afraid to use it. Let me repeat that in case you missed it. I was afraid to blow my nose. I am feeling great. I am. I am tired from stress but outside of that, I am good to go. With that said, it is still a fact that my nose runs when I run. Yet, I was afraid to acknowledge that physical reaction in the quiet streets of East Rockaway, NY. Why? Fear. I was afraid of my neighbors.
Please process that for a moment. I wasn’t afraid of scaring my neighbors. I wasn’t afraid of soliciting unnecessary sympathy or support. I was afraid of an adverse reaction. I was afraid of panic and anger. I was afraid that they would lash out. Why was I running whilst sick through THEIR streets? I thought of every terrifying news story I have seen lately where people are maligned and physically harmed for being out and about while “sick”. This thought terrifies me to my core. What have we become? Who are we? When did we let ourselves turn into these…animals?
Don’t get me wrong, I am scared too. I am. In earnest, the unknown scares me more than the known, and what scares me most are those who are staunchly over-the-top “compliant” and also those who just don’t seem to give a shit. That’s right. BOTH of these groups scare the crap out of me. Extremists. Fringe folk. I am pretty good with the rest of the people in my pile. The cautious. Those with measured fear. Those who pause and think and those who wonder. Those who won’t take unnecessary risk but also those who won’t sneer at someone who sneezes.
I feel more than ever that we have lost our way. It is easy to blame our truly confusing and horrifying leadership or the media (and they certainly deserve a kick in the ass), but it is US. All of us. We are prone to panic and fear. We so easily turn our backs on each other. You know what really scares the shit out of me? The ‘good news’ stories. The stories of top-notch humanity. Why does this scare me? Well because we are spotlighting ordinary HUMAN behavior in a rather extraordinary way. Don’t get me wrong. Do I think nice and kind and generous people deserve kudos? I sure as shit do. Do I think they should be revered like gods and goddesses? Hell to the no. I think the incidents of kindness should be more commonplace such that just being kind to one another does not have to be akin to unicorns flying around New York.
We have LOST OUR WAY. We have. I’ve spoken about this before. I have. I see the same insane shit when partaking in the shit show that is online dating. There is no real difference except that during times like this, the most trying of occasions, the grossness of our behavior and actions is even more evident.
Employers keeping brick and mortar offices open. People chastising someone for coughing or sneezing. An outcry to close schools (fine but….) without a thought to those children who ONLY eat at school. Bigotry and discrimination lobbed at groups of people because of where we think they might come from (separate and distinct from their actual ethnicity and the reality that even if they come from China or another country of origin, they are not individually responsible for this epidemic). Businesses that are price gouging and using marketing trickery. I could go on and on, but who really needs to dwell, right? It is so depressing. I find our ugliness far more terrifying than anything else. I find our willingness to throw each other under a bus or in harm’s way to be way scarier than ALL the things I’ve heard.
Are there good people? There sure are and I even have the pleasure of knowing some of them directly. I am not out here suggesting that all hope is lost. I am begging you to use those folks, the good ones, as a shining example of how we should all act. There are educators working their asses off trying to figure out how to be impactful “online” (teaching children of all ages with varying access to necessary tools). Fantastic. There are moms and dads and other guardians desperately trying to figure out how to home school their kids. Awesome. There are businesses that are contributing portions of profits to food banks and other organizations who attend to the forgotten and to the hungry. Brava. There are people posting animal videos and feel good stuff on social media to distract people from the shit show that is everyday life right now. Yasss. Let’s all teach, support, comfort, love, reassure, and for goodness sake…let’s show a little compassion. Let’s give ourselves and the people around us a break. This is unprecedented. We don’t have a road map here. We have conflicting messages and a whole lotta hysteria, but we don’t have a lot of people saying chill the fuck out.
I am NOT saying don’t take this seriously. I am literally telling you that if you lose your mind, the stress will put you squarely into the immunocompromised camp. And for what? To what end? Being callous or cruel to each other or rubbing your panic onto someone else will not make you feel better. Sure, in the short term it might seem like a relief, but it will roar back into your head and heart just as soon as it departed (and you will have spread it too).
Find the in between. It exists. Be vigilant and mindful. Be smart and careful. Deep breathe. Stay calm. Educate yourself without indulging in the over-consumption of information. If you are like me and you live alone, try to see it as an invitation to be quiet for a bit, rather than a sentence of solitary confinement. If you are with family or friends, see it as an opportunity to reconnect. Call someone who is rolling solo and see how they are doing. Better than that, FaceTime them (maybe not unannounced- we solo folks tend to go pants-free quite a bit or at least I do). Spend less time scrolling through newly created memes and more time writing, reading, and catching up on your Netflix queue. I’ve found that stand-up comedy is my jam during these times. A very welcome distraction.
Being brave is not saying fuck off and exposing yourself unnecessarily. Having courage is following the protocol in spite of how weird and shitty it may feel. Be audacious and have hope that these changes will lead us to the path of recovery and health.
And for fucks sake…support science and medicine. I try not to get political but if you don’t realize by now how GD important it is to support these establishments, then all hope is lost.
Stay healthy. Stay calm. Stay resilient. Stay grounded.
Be smart. Be safe. Be hopeful. Be kind. Be love.
Until the next…
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 