My run felt different this morning. It was just as quiet as yesterday and the brightness of the sky was quite similar but I felt different. It was me. I felt a new heaviness on my heart; my steps leaden as I propelled myself forward on the empty streets. My mind was whirling and no amount of deep and measured breath was calming the storm raging inside of me.
Why did I feel so crappy? Why then? Why now?
Today is the first day I’ll be working from home and the thought feels all at once terrifying and a relief. Staying home feels like doing my part but it also forces me to face the entirety of this ugly situation. I know I am productive at home. I exercise in the morning, shower at a normal hour, work when I’m supposed to work, and find things to keep me busy during downtime. However, the times I’ve been forced to be such a situation are due to events that seem to have a finite timeframe (i.e. snow storm, illness, etc.) or are of my own volition (i.e. home appointments, travel, etc.). Having no understanding of timing and having this be beyond free will is…well….scary. Really fucking scary.
So, I am sitting here, taking a break from this at-home routine, trying to sort out how to get myself more comfortable under these particular circumstances. Friends and family have thrown out suggestions and I’ve read several online. I’m sure you’ve heard all these, but here goes: prescription medication (i.e. Xanax), non-traditional medication (um, weed), meditation, non-traditional meditation (dancing to your favorite music like a crazy person), fresh air (maintaining appropriate social distance), and so on and so forth.
Let me begin by saying that as always this blog is a no judgment zone. If you care to employ one or more of the above referenced methodologies for chilling out and it/they work for you, I think that’s great. I would discourage putting yourself in a stupor or abusing any substance or participating in any activities that promote self-harm or harm to others. But yeah, outside of that, you do you.
That said, I’ve found something else that helps. Well, it helps me. If it helps you too, then that’s fantastic. Or maybe my progress will just inspire you to find what calms you down. It is not so revolutionary, but it is working. Ready for it? I am telling people close to me how I feel. I am not sanitizing (no pun intended) my words or thoughts, I am not worrying what people think, and I am not concerning myself with notions of being a burden.
I am speaking every thought, every feeling. I am giving voice to every fear and anxiety. I am sharing news that has concerned me, relaying points that I find helpful, and allowing myself to laugh at ridiculous memes. I am not bottling up my feelings. I am not scared of inciting a riot or creating panic or fear. I am not feeding notions, whether they be political, race related, or seemingly based on science.
I am attempting to find information that is available without overburdening myself. No oversaturation, just a basic education. I am trying hard not to stay in a negative headspace, even if I have to touch down in that world for a moment or two.
I am trying not to resent the sun breaking through a gloomy sky.
I am trying to focus on all of the essential personnel, risking their lives, to help so many people that need it the most. I am trying to focus on the politicians who are trying to help, rather than managing to hurt.
I am trying to focus on things that are positive and beautiful: family and friends who stay in touch, an abundance of sweet smelling candles to fill my little space with all the feels, a stockpile of good coffee, and all the books my library can offer (online).
This is NOT easy. I feel everything and I am sure you do too. It is only Day 2 and there is no understanding of what day will be the last day of this. Well to that, I share a sentiment that was expressed by the brilliant Bill Nye (the Science Guy) when I saw him at the Y (yeah, doing it again—let yourself giggle or roll those eyes) just a few short weeks ago. He shared that “the longest journey begins with a single step.” I know this to be a paraphrased version of the utterance made famous by Lao Tzu, a philosopher. Either way, Bill shared it and so I am sharing it with you.
This is going to be a long journey. No matter how long this lock-down lasts, there will be action to follow. No matter how quickly we get our workers back to their jobs, the financial impact will be longer lasting. This is going to be a long journey, whether measured in time or feeling. The only way we can complete this journey and emerge from it whole and reasonable people, is to take one step at a time. No matter the temptation, you do not need to future fret to be proactive. You can plan and surmise and protect yourself without imagining a long, bleak road.
Ready for what that looks like for me?
I am not going to panic about food supply. I have a reasonable amount of frozen food, some produce, and some pantry staples. I have faith that I can intelligently manage my “supply”, that the food supply will replenish, and that one to two weeks worth of food is sufficient. I might plan my meals a little to manage appropriately, but I don’t stress about the next time I have to food shop.
One step. That’s all I am suggesting. It isn’t the easiest task in the world, but it is a rewarding one. I promise you. We don’t need to quantum leap through this. Just breathe. Think about what you need right now and maybe a few hours from now.
Start there.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 