I went to the store today. I didn’t go for some irresponsible reason. I am lonely and I do feel isolated but neither of those points would compel me to enter a potentially busy place. I am actually digging deep to understand the people that are ignoring or discounting the seriousness of all of this. Are they arrogant? Disbelieving? Scared so using feigned ignorance as a calming tactic? What is it? Listen, I’m not certain I know what is really true anymore. We are given so many lines and stories that I find myself wondering where the truth lies. What I do know if that this thing is spreading rapidly and thus, clearly has the ability to continue to do so, and so we should stay the fuck inside.
Anyway, I digress.
I went to Target. It felt better than the supermarket for some bizarre reason. I suppose I felt like I could get more done in a multi-purpose store, thus eliminating the need for multiple stops and/or outings. A friend agreed to “meet” me there, meaning we parked far away from each other, wore gloves, and stay six feet apart from each other and everyone else at all times. I tried to remember all the little things that we normally don’t think about to err on the side of super cautious. Touch points. My steering wheel, my car doors, the cart, the items, my credit card, etc. I felt anxious but mostly prepared.
Anyway, I am not going to bore you with the ‘this is what the store felt like’ story. I imagine most of you have had the experience and don’t really need it regurgitated from my point of view. Needless to say, I feel hopeful that I will not need to go to a store anytime within the next two weeks. Infuckingsane, but yeah. That’s a small victory.
Okay, so what is my real point/topic here? Well, I said it above. Touch points. I am suddenly conscious of the many emotional, physical, and mental touch points in my existence. I have thought for some time that I am pretty in touch with myself, but I find myself shocked when I contemplate my touch points. My days are somewhat the same and then also different. Not now. I mean typically. I go to the gym, I go to work, I attend my spin studio, I teach yoga. Those things happen like clockwork every single day and week. Then there are all the random situations I find myself in. My dry cleaner, the local coffee shop, the library my favorite smoothie spot, dinner with my parents, hanging with my friends, and so on. There are all of these places that I go to regularly, just not methodically. There are people and human interactions that I have on a daily basis, nearly every single day.
So, I might have a considerable amount of time by myself, but that time is often filled enough with people, places, and experiences. And all of these people, places, and experiences have an impact on me. Not every impact is incredibly impactful, but nonetheless, they resonate on some level. So, when these touch points begin to disappear, the power of them (singularly and in the aggregate) becomes all at once very obvious.
Anyway, I know I am not alone.
This is why we are tempted to violate what we are being told. We all have some measure of a routine, whether regimented or not. A break in that routine, combined with fear, anxiety, and possible illness, feels outrageously unnerving. It feels uncomfortable and it most certainly stress provoking. Our very unique and personal routines are our “normal.” Therefore, a drastic break away from our routine makes things feel very not normal. When we start to diverge off a path of what we know or feel to be normal, we aim to correct our course. Most of us do anyway. Most of us want to get back to what feels most comfortable. Our baseline. What does all of this mean? Well, we seek out any part of our routine to begin the process of auto-correcting. You know what that looks like right now, no? “I can order coffee for pickup. The order will be over the phone and I’ll be around someone for just like a minute. That’s fine. Right? It is.”
And it just gets worse. The more the right to experience these touch points gets stripped away (i.e. gyms closed, restaurants closed, etc.), the more we will seek out compliant attempts to ‘right the ship.’ We will use a rationalization similar to the one I just shared.
No.
Don’t.
I get it. I am dead serious. I do. It sucks. I feel myself teetering on the brink of sadness on a minute by minute basis because of what we are going through. The uncertainty. I do the work to pull myself back to even. I do NOT make stupid decisions because of my raging desire to get back to my normal. I understand enough to know that the emotional decisions we have to make during times like this are staggering. We have to choose uncomfortable. We have to understand the importance of separation. We have to embrace solitariness.
I’ve never promised you answers before, and I am certainly not going to do it now. I will tell you that I am going to continue to be super honest about how I am feeling and what I am thinking. I will also be here to encourage you to dedicate yourself to a bigger picture goal (#flattenthecurve), even when it sucks. I will try and make you laugh when I can (tomorrow let’s talk about online dating during COVID-19). I will tell you when I feel like crying.
I’ve always talked about relationships. Now is the time to continue that talk in a relevant way. We have a relationship with ourselves and we have relationships with the people around us (mostly known and also unknown to us). Sorting through this shit, this mess, is going to help us figure out what the bare bones, the foundation of those relationships look like. Sorry to tell you this guys but you are going to have to figure out what’s really there and what you are going to do in the future to nourish or eliminate those relationships. The trillions of little decisions surrounding our touch points will be our first nudge toward introspection and self-evaluation. Decide what you need to do for you (think carefully here) and in consideration of the people around you. Don’t be scared. Always be honest.
You need to go to Target, go to Target. Go because you need to, not because you need to. You get it?
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
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