I spoke to a work associate and a friend this morning and both expressed frustration when interrupted by their children. I don’t know much about my work colleague, but I can assure you that my friend is (at least from the outside looking in) a great mom. Their exasperation was not what I would call typical. I’ve been around quite a few parents in my life and I’ve seen all kinds of reactions. These were women at the end of their rope. These were women laden with extraordinary event-related stress and anxiety and on top of all of that emotion, were faced with the responsibilities tied to maintaining a home, caring for children, and keeping up with work, remotely.
It is clear that I cannot speak first-hand to these emotions because I do not have a husband or children. I don’t even live with anyone at present. My loneliness and feelings of isolation fall into a completely different camp. In this case, I am merely an observer.
Remember when I mentioned that snarky meme that mocked the stress that a quarantine can place on a relationship? It was funny, but underlying its humor is a difficult truth to swallow. Many of us aren’t built to navigate tough times. Moreover, when we get through them, it is at the expense of the people nearest and dearest to us. This is for several reasons.
In some instances, and particularly where social distancing and isolation are concerned, we are seeing people under a microscope. We seeing them more often than we usually do, in closer quarters than we might normally exist within, and we are first-hand witnessing whatever idiosyncrasies they might already have (and have conveniently hidden in a busy life) or have developed as a result of these insane circumstances.
There is a reason that someone came up with the axiom- ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder.’ Faced with constant contact, people often feel stifled and overwhelmed. Yes, sorry. It’s true. Folks lose appreciation when there is no space to offer perspective. Maybe you never see your husband’s strange breathing during push-ups because he usually does them at the gym. You tell yourself it’s no big deal, and yet you find yourself irked and even grossed out. Maybe you didn’t realize how long your girlfriend’s morning routine takes because you are already out the door when the process commences. You tell yourself that in the normal course it has no bearing and yet, you find yourself appalled.
Your children have always been good, relatively speaking. Now they are home from school and feeling punchy and stir crazy and suddenly they are unbearable creatures. You can’t say anything about it because you fear sounding like a bad mom or a terrible dad. Under the circumstances, how can you possible complain when you have healthy, albeit rambunctious kids?
Again, I am observing. However, I am going to let you in on a universal truth. You have to get this shit out and you have to deal with it. When your spouse or significant other is driving you crazy, tell them that you are feeling irrationally frustrated and need a little space. Take a walk (6’ away from other people outside your isolation zone), sit in another room, write it down. Call or text your best friend and tell them that you want to sell your children to the highest bidder. If you don’t feel like you can tell your friend, feel free to drop me a line and whine to me (thepathtoworthy@gmail.com). I’m not a therapist and can’t give you any sort of professional or sound advice, but I can read your words. I can listen. I won’t judge you. I’ll tell you a worse thought if that makes you feel better.
I’ve heard all sorts of crap in the last week or so. Sadly, I’ve seen a rather depraved side to our society. You know what though, that’s not what I am talking about here. You are allowed to feel frustrated that you are trapped inside with your family. Even the cave men and women had time to hunt and gather and do other shit where they weren’t together. Also, not to burst your bubble but those folks weren’t so long lived. In other words, there was a limit to their actual time together.
Is there a possibility you will see something during this time that will forever change your relationship? Hell to the yes. I have forever changed my opinion of one person in my life. His behavior during this time has been astounding. I tried to give leeway because of the fear and panic and just overwhelming nature of all of this. But yeah, he is still being a dick. He has been callous, unfeeling, insensitive, and horrific. This is going to sound insane, but I’m grateful that I’ve been given this insight. Sometimes we have these rare opportunities to see the worst of people and it reminds us of who we should reserve our energy for on a daily basis.
I am not talking about your boyfriend’s dirty plates in the sink or the insanely loud sound your wife makes while eating her afternoon snack (that’s a new one, right?). I am saying that maybe you get to see things that you weren’t able to see before or you were avoiding seeing. Sometimes these are situations and traits like I am referencing above. Sometimes it is the recognition that someone is pretty shitty. Sometimes it is just the recognition that you’ve outgrown someone or there are problems that require attention and you’ve been playing a game of high-level evasion using a busy life as a place to hide.
On top of everything else we are facing right now, it can be gut-wrenching to face that there are relationship issues you have to navigate through. I am not just talking about a significant other or partner either. I’ve seen the best and worst in friends. I’ve seen the best and worst in colleagues and neighbors. You aren’t going to want to hear this, but sometimes these impossible situations present us with a rare gift. An opportunity to reevaluate. To take stock of who and what really matters. That can mean making really tough decisions but sometimes those decisions will free you to experience life in the way in which you were meant to.
There is so much dark about this time. Find who and what brings you light, even if it’s just a sliver.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 