I was talking to my mother this morning and she mentioned being at the grocery story. I had a moment of panic. More than a moment. I had a solid 15 minutes of anger, fear, sadness, and general unease. It wasn’t until I was a mile into my run that I started to process everything I was feeling.
It felt important to dissect my feelings because in the face of everything else, keeping emotions unexplored seems irresponsible and reckless. So, I did.
For a remarkably quick reaction, my feelings were actually pretty complicated. I was scared that my mom was out in the world and exposed. I was angry hearing about non-compliant people who were standing up her ass online. I was suddenly wondering if my food supply was sufficient and if I should be taking stock of my stock.
That last bit I hated the most. It felt superfluous and somewhat shallow in the face of everything going on. There are health care workers and police officers and firefighters on the front line, there are so many people ill, and there are those who have been deemed the most vulnerable in our population. And here I was wondering if I had sufficient protein for the next week or so.
Should I feel that way?
Is there a should in this this situation? Aren’t we always allowed to feel however we feel, and isn’t that “right” particularly relevant during this ‘what in the actual fuck’ time? Well, sort of.
I know, who needs a caveat right now, right? But it is a necessary one. First of all, you are always entitled to your feelings. That is why they are expressly called YOUR feelings. Second of all, you have to try and insert some modicum of perspective and reasonableness generally, and particularly when the royal shit is hitting the fan. Not because it matters what anyone else thinks but because run away feelings can be extremely harmful to you and the people closest to you.
You are allowed to have a freak out moment but I would encourage you to try and talk yourself off the proverbial ledge after such an experience. Not after you’ve scorched the earth but some where in between a reaction and the end of times. You hear me? Maybe not, so let me explain in more relevant detail. Actually, let me explain using my example from this morning.
I was well within normal parameters to freak out when I spoke to my mom this morning. I am allowed to worry about everyone I love. I am allowed to be pissed off at people that still don’t fucking get it and will continue to help spread this thing and bring us further away from a day of ‘normal’. I am also allowed to feel concerned that I will not have access to food if/when I need it. Even that. But I should also work to get a handle on myself. I do that by cementing or grounding.
I’ve shared this technique before in connection with coping with relationship issues. The process is no different. You explore your fears and try to place them in an appropriate context to understand their full impact and appropriateness.
It is normal to worry about one’s loved ones. In particular, it is totally acceptable to be concerned about one’s senior citizen parents (one with asthma) during a pandemic that is attacking the lungs. But my parents are doing all that they can to keep themselves safe. They have hunkered down and they are avoiding contact with other people as much as possible. Stressing out over the ‘what ifs’ where they are concerned is not only useless but could actually be counter-productive if I end up transferring that stress to them. Stress= a sledgehammer to immunity= dumb. No…I mean it. DUMB.
It is perfectly acceptable to be angry that people are denying the reality of what we are facing or accepting the reality but separating from the reality that their actions are actually contributing to the total downward spiral of our societal health right now. It is righteous to want people to be more selfless or perhaps to be more selfish whereas they are concerned enough for their own health (and the health of their loved ones) to make better fucking choices. Again, my anger will not change anything. I can feel lit up or I can do my best to stay away from such people, promote the message of social isolation, and support initiatives and organizations that support people on the front line.
Last, but certainly not least, it is perfectly okay to feel totally fucking freaked out about things that normally feel very routine, like the food you are going to eat. Can you take stock and now enjoy the fact that we normally take these things for granted? For sure. But do you have to do that right now? Nah. You really don’t. You have enough things to freak over. Just allow yourself to feel a little crappy about stuff that you normally do NOT have to worry about. That is really, really okay. But then chill the fuck out. I’m not saying you aren’t going to need to sacrifice and make tough choices. I’m just saying it will work out. Try and be smart about what you buy and consume. Plan. With planning comes greater calm. I’m not saying you have to meal plan down to the smallest detail (though you can). I am saying you can think a little more critically about these things to give yourself some peace of mind. This is probably unnecessary detail but I’m going to clue you into how this works. I can eat oatmeal with peanut butter and a yogurt for breakfast and lunch every day. Thus, if I have ten yogurts, a jar of peanut butter, and a container of oatmeal, I am good with breakfast and lunch for two weeks. If ordering food takes a week to process and deliver, I should order more breakfast and lunch supplies one week from now. Got me? Maybe don’t be boring as fuck like me and throw in a sandwich or eggs. Just trying to give you an example, not make you feel sorry for my poor eating choices.
This shit is unprecedented. This is the first for many of us and we are going to have to figure this out one day at a time. As I usually instruct, try and allow yourself to feel all the feelings. But try and ground yourself too. Get it out. Move it on. Keep yourself as mentally healthy as you can. It will serve you well. I promise.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 