I took a break yesterday. From nearly everything. That sounds strange, right? Like aren’t we all on something of a break? Nope. We aren’t. Not really. Anyway, I didn’t take a break from regular stuff. I took a break from positivity. I know, that sounds awful but I needed it. I didn’t take the entire day. I took a section of the day. I allowed myself to REALLY feel all the feelings. I’ve been encouraging you to do this, and I have been doing it myself, but in drips and drabs. I’ve been venting when a friend calls or texts or when my family FaceTime’s. I haven’t really allowed myself to sit with everything going on inside my head and heart.
That is one of the reasons that I took a break from writing for a day. I practiced a different form of self-care. I went for a run (as always), made a nice breakfast, took a bath, read, watched tv, organized my socks (yes, you read that correctly), and cried. A lot. I mean sobbed. I got it all out. I cried for myself, the sick, the scared, the healthcare workers, the first responders, the essential workers, the recently unemployed, the frustrated politicians, the inept politicians, and the list goes on. I cried because I am tired of being not taking this seriously and for all the people who are doing everything in their power to #flattenthecurve.
I needed a boo hoo couple of hours. I just did and so I granted myself that gift.
This is a different experience than the venting I’ve been talking about. This is not ranting and raving to your loved ones (or the checkout personnel at the food store). This is not posting memes on Facebook. This is a pure expression of feelings for you and you alone. Even when we don’t realize it, even when it’s with the people closest to us, we tend to modify the way we speak about what troubles us. We can subconsciously tailor what we are saying to suit our audience.
What do I mean by that?
Well, even when I am talking about how lonely or scared I am, I am acknowledging the other person’s experience. I am softening my words with sentiments such as “I mean, I am healthy and I have a roof over my head and food on my table so…” I am getting out what I need to but it is customized for the user.
Yesterday no such thing occurred. Yesterday I allowed myself to run through everything I thought and feared and felt grief over without any understanding or care about how my words or thoughts might impact another human.
It’s a powerful and necessary experience.
I FaceTime’d with a good friend who lives halfway across the country in the afternoon. She has four kids. She is a fucking Rockstar mom. I’m serious. Amazing. She’s had some intense life changes and experiences in the last couple of months and then BAM she was hit with this insanity and is now forced to contend with the impact on her family and their family business. She told me that she finally worked up the courage to tell her husband she needed some time the other day and when I asked her how she spent her two hours solo, she responded “crying.” I hated that she felt that way, but I also loved her brutal and raw honesty. She was doing exactly what I did and what I am encouraging you all to do.
You aren’t giving up hope when you have a couple of hours feeling aggrieved. I promise you. If anything, I was able to feel more positive and hopeful when I was “done”, when I had moved through it all.
I want to disclaimer that I am not trying to make any statements about real depression or hardship. It is not my intention to suggest that having a good cry sesh is going to pull you up by your bootstraps and set you straight. Not at all. I am saying that if you are struggling through this situation we seem to be stuck in, it might be helpful to you to engage in behavior that helps you exorcise some of the negativity so you can keep some modicum of perspective. If you find yourself inconsolable, that will likely require professional assistance and you should not hesitate to seek it (there is online counseling available generally and in particular, during this time, so make sure you hunt it down and avail yourself of it ASAP).
Also, you don’t need to share this with anyone, your time out. You can and there is certainly nothing to be ashamed of, but you don’t have to. You don’t owe it to anyone. I mean if you have a partner, you should discuss your need for a moment (or thirty), but you can make that time entirely your own.
Also, you might not cry at all. That’s okay. Maybe you aren’t a crier generally or you just feel a bit dried up or emotionally removed right now. That’s just fine. You can sit in silence too. You can play good music. You have to write your own recipe for this time. I am not seeking to prescribe you something very specific to what worked for ME. I am only sharing what I did so that you understand what I am referring to. Ultimately, you have to listen to your heart. Another friend told me that she slept in the middle of the day for a few hours. That was her time out. We are all different and you have to find what your time out looks like.
It can be incredibly challenging if you have people who rely on you (elderly parents, infirmed friends or parents, neighbors, kids) but it is NOT impossible. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is because guess what? This time nourishes you. Even if you have to wake up at 6 to meditate or cry for an hour or go to bed an hour later than you usually do, I guarantee you that it will feed you, not deplete you.
Keep on hanging in there.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 