A very good friend of mine is having a birthday today. I’m sure you’ve seen all the memes about folks having birthdays during this insanity. On its face, the celebration of a birthday in isolation sucks. But it’s bigger than that. So much bigger. It is a statement about our life events, our milestones, our human condition.
Most of the weddings I know of have been cancelled (those that haven’t, don’t get me started on the intelligence and cruelty behind such things—unless it’s a party of two). However, I know of several birthdays, anniversaries (relationship and life event), deaths and births. When I consider these events and the stories I’ve heard, I consider what sociable people we are by nature. Even those of us who are more introverted and less social by nature, still have social interactions. I’ve spoken about this a little but in particular, I want to focus on these celebrations, life events, and milestones. I want to talk about what it means to have these occur without the sociability component. What it does to us, how it impacts us, and how we cope with it all.
I would like to start by reiterating what I said above. It is just really shitty. Whether you would normally celebrate or mark these life events with several people, just a few, or in the company of strangers, it was always your choice entirely. We all feel differently about that which occurs to us or in our lives. Some people love a bang-up birthday celebration while others want to drown their sorrows or Netflix and chill (alone) and wake up when it’s all over. Some mamas just want their partners around and present for their labor, birth, and the after, and some want the whole extended family and every friend who cares to show up. Some of us feel comforted by the presence of others when we grieve a loss and others of us need to move through it all in a very solitary fashion. These are just examples. There are so, so many versions of these plans, wants, and needs. Whatever it looks like for you, it is typically your choice.
I want to throw a small disclaimer in here. What I just stated is not always true. There are surprise parties, uninvited guests, unwelcome visitors, and life events that occur when we least expect it and render us unable to execute our most authentic and desired plan (i.e. work engagements, deployment, illness, etc.). For the most part though, for most people, in many situations, we are able to sprinkle in a good dose of ‘imma do me’. In fact, even if we have some situations that are beyond our control, we are typically fortunate enough to supplement those occurrences with situations we are able to manage. With that in mind, this time we are in is a total clusterfuck.
Women cannot have their partners in the delivery room or even in recovery in some situations, friends cannot celebrate birthdays, funerals cannot welcome the appropriate numbers of guests, shiva cannot be sat, and wakes cannot be held. We are using the fuck out of technology to try and make up for these deficiencies. We are Zooming ourselves into oblivion, FaceTiming like it’s going out of style, and enjoying the Whatsapp video call feature for maybe the first time. We are sharing on social media, text messaging, video messaging, and dare I speak the words…calling each other. We are sending photographs and memes. We are emailing tributes, announcements, and articles. We are trying to find connection across the social distance to find ourselves where we might normally be. I commend all of us for these efforts. With little exception (50ish percent of TikTok), these efforts are what separates us. This is the very core of our humanity.
But.
But.
It doesn’t change anything. It is a band-aid, an in-the-moment fix, and an attempt to make normal what is decidedly abnormal. When the virtual happy hour is over, the Zoom concert has finished, and the telephone call has come to a close, we are reminded of where we are and what we are living through. These life events that are normally considered in the context of a broader life are becoming these challenging little time markers. “I never thought we’d still be home for my birthday.” “I thought he’d make it another few weeks.” “I imagined __ being here for this.” They shift from what they are to this thing where they each and all exist as a persistent reminder of what we are in…a time warp, a pause.
A pause, beyond our control. A necessary pause. A selfish and very selfless pause. A pause to save lives and to stay safe. A pause to distance and reflect. A pause to understand these milestones in a way that is so much more meaningful than ever before, if we wish it to be. If we allow it to be. An appreciation for our typical freedoms and choices. A gratitude for mostly having it our way.
I am not sad for people because they cannot have gigantic parties or face a line of many people offering sincere condolences. I grieve for people because this thing we are facing has temporarily removed their choice. And yet, I offer my suggestion to see it differently. To cherish those who reach out to try and inject this insanity with love and connection. To rejoice in a healthy birth that will forever come with the most remarkable of stories. To understand that loss is grieved in a sociable fashion for the living, not the dead.
Please do not take my words as condescension or a belittling of what an arduous challenge these times present. My heart hurts for each and every human that has to reach a milestone, any major event, during this horror show we are stuck living in. I am only suggesting that we can employ emotional techniques that release some of the grief. That make things minimally easier. That enable us to put one foot in front of the other and keep on keepin’ on. There is no short cut or easy answer. There is only the work that we can do, if we are willing, to make that part not hurt quite so badly. There are the little things we can do to allow our hearts to be sad, mad, and happy, without the burden of the ‘absent’ and ‘missing’ and ‘can’t haves’. It’s awful but it will help us get through to the other side of this thing. In one healthy piece, mind and body.
My thoughts and love are with each of you for each and every life event you celebrate and miss during this time.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 