Hey. Leah here. Author of this blog. I decided to give you guys some audio love today. So yeah, you can read (if you prefer) or you can listen. Giving this thing a test drive as I move towards a podcast?! What?! Happy reading/listening.
And if these tears should fall and break some ground
May the sun come up and dry it out
‘Cause the world’s in need of love right now
And it don’t feel too safe, day by day
My heart is troubled, troubled, troubled, troubled, troubled
-Troubled by Elephante
Yeah, I know guys. Another day, another song. Sadly, this is how it works right now. I know that sounds depressing and that is not my intention. It is merely reality. I’m not saying that in a morose sort of way either. You know how I feel about this. These little bits of same old are actually necessary for sanity. They are affirming and comforting.
Outside of these very unusual circumstances, music has always been this for me. I think it’s that for a lot of people. It sort of reaches into your body, deep into your heart cavity, and soothes, reignites, and revitalizes. It permits expression of feelings in a way that’s sort of user friendly. What I mean by that is no matter how you express yourself; it gives you an outlet of sorts.
You can seek the song that will best suit what you need or sometimes is just finds you, in your joy or through your pain.
I had never heard this particular song before my run this morning. I was having a Spotify kinda day if you know what I mean. Maybe you don’t. Some people are die-hard music subscription people. I am not. Well I am, but only in the sense that I have Apple music and download the music that I want to hear. I have a zillion songs at my disposal and yet this morning, it felt like none would “fit.” It was irrational, I know. Every one of my trillion songs felt annoying and repetitive. I needed a break. And so…Spotify.
When I first heard the lyrics to the tune referenced above, my inclination was to skip to the next song. The words felt heavy and almost burdensome. But I quickly realized that I needed them this morning. I needed to feel sad and pissed. I needed to get it out, again. And so I did. I felt pressure build in my chest and then slowly release, like a balloon popped with a needle. That release was my comfort. My act of self-love.
It was raining again this morning when I went out. (Yeah I know, I’m talking about the weather. Chill out. I have a point.) Just like every other rainy morning, it felt gloomy but also prompted a sigh of relief. People feel less inclined to go out when it’s rainy. They stay home.
Disclaimer: Don’t get me wrong as I am well aware that these observations occur whilst I’m out for a run. My intention is not to be hypocritical. To reiterate, I go out early, I am out for a very short period, and I stay six feet away from anyone I see (which is really no one except for sanitation workers—bless them). If you have a problem with that, we can discuss it like humans. If at some point I don’t feel like this routine is safe or ‘okay’, I’ll modify.
Anyway, when it’s nice out, I’ve seen people lose their minds and forget the protocol. I get it. I do. We are cooped in and it feels wretched. But suddenly they are out for a couple of hours, hosting driveway happy hours and chatting in close proximity to folks who don’t share their household. So yeah, this somewhat typical spring rain is kind of a blessing. Sorry everyone.
Wow, I got a leel derailed there. Let me get back on track.
When I listened to the words of the song, I wasn’t thinking about the sun in the sky. No I have not been alone for too long. Bear with me. I thought about a metaphorical sun. How we all need a break, a shift, to begin to infuse people with hope again. We need to jam through these next few weeks of hell to hopefully see the results of our compliance. We would be FAR from out of the woods at that point, in my humble opinion, but we would be able to directly connect our actions with results. Even if minimal and barely measurable, the correlation would be felt. Getting over the peak and seeing some movement, some traction would be pure magic. Maybe that’s four weeks from now in reality or six. I’m not a scientist or a doctor. I’m just telling you that for a non-religious person, I am praying my ass off here.
We need something that starts to make us feel safe again. Even if it’s a micromillimeter of movement. Inchworm pace and progress. Itty bitty metrics, barely discernible where our very human hearts and minds are concerned. Just a little tiny whisper of “just keep doing what you’re doing, because it’s working.”
Let me be clear. I know it’s going to work eventually. I know that this is a necessary protocol. But, I think the collective WE need a little something. A speck of sun. A sliver of a silver lining. Not a definite thing. Not a resounding and sure answer. Just a wee bit of encouragement. Movement towards a decline, a plateau.
My heart is troubled thinking how much people need that right now. Faith does not seem to be enough. People seem lost in a sea of doubt and hopelessness. So, I’ll be the one who hopes. Who asks. Who waits patiently. Who sees the upside.
I’m not martyr. I cried again this morning. However, I’m moving through it. I can volunteer as tribute in the realm of the “what now” because I’m finding places for my grief and worry. I don’t bury them. I blast a new song and run my ass off. I take a blistering hot shower. I make a nice breakfast. I FaceTime with my parents. I work. I write. I sketch. I breathe. I move through it.
Can’t get there yet? I got you. I’m working it. I’ll be the faithful and hopeful one. Get pissed at my optimism in the face of a dire reality and then release the anger knowing I can take it. This is not a test bestowed by some higher power. That’s not how I think. This IS a test for you. Lean on me (virtually) until you can stand firmly on your own two feet. We’ll move through this thing. One day at a time. The sun will come eventually. I don’t know when, but it will.
We got this.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 