I’ve been having this strange feeling (on top of everything else) and I’m almost loathe to share it. However, I always share, I intend to always share, and if I wanted to not share, this just doesn’t seem like the time. This feels like a time for full disclosure. Why? To keep us connected, to keep understanding and relatability and compassion flowing. To keep us sane.
I have already told you (the collective you) that I am frustrated and sad. My emotions are constantly shifting and I actually had a friend last night suggest that I find a solid strategy for managing my anxiety (Professional help? Writing? Meditation?). She wasn’t wrong. I have been managing my feelings as they hit me, but I haven’t been entirely proactive in the process. I have been trying to anticipate in very specific situations, but not as a general rule. Well, that’s not entirely true. As I shared previously, I have been jogging every day, writing, sketching, and staying connected to the people I love most in this world. But I’ve neglected to do something that should come innately to me as a project manager. I have not taken to the time to holistically look at the situation and formulate a strategy.
Before you accuse me of sounding cold or clinical, let me advise you that I am anything but either of those things. I am an oozing pile of emotions regularly, which has only amplified in this craziness. Coming up with a game plan doesn’t prevent you from really feeling what you feel. To the contrary, it allows you to more clearly identify exactly what you are feeling. You get to strip away the excess, the fuzziness, and get down to brass tacks, so to speak. This sounds good and all, but what does that really mean, right?
Well part of it is THIS, the identification of what is troublesome. The categorization of feelings so we avoid phrases like “well, it’s everything” when describing how we are feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I know it is kind of everything right now. I know that I worry about work (or lack thereof), health, connections, politics, and so on and so forth. So yes, it is sort of everything. But just saying that everything is bothering me doesn’t allow me to take apart my feelings and start to shift them, even if that shift is minimal at first.
So, just like I addressed my angst over my decision to not venture outside for a second time on Saturday, I want to get to the root of what is really bugging me today. I feel angry. I do. I feel upset with the people who are just not getting how serious this is. I feel annoyed with the people who get how serious this is but are disregarding recommended protocols because they either don’t value their life or they believe they will somehow be exempt, an exception to the rule.
I HATE that I feel this way. I do. I make it a point to not live in judgment of other people’s decisions. I have always felt, and more profoundly in the last few years, that one of the beautiful things about life is that everyone has the ability to make their own choices. I really mean that. Take that statement to the most dramatic end-point and I still mean it. I know that feeling is sometimes controversial, but it is just a notion that I hold close to my heart and take seriously. So why am I abandoning a core value now?
Well, for a few reasons. The most profound reason is that I care about the people who are making these choices (or at least some of them) and the idea of harm coming their way because of decisions they have made is beyond something I can fully process and remain ‘okay’. Secondarily, the decisions that they are making will likely have a ripple effect on others. The unwillingness to be careful or safe or compliant can actually directly endanger and impact the community at large.
How?
Well, the most obvious of answers is that they will likely spread the virus. They could spread it to loved ones, neighbors, and essential workers. They could spread it without realizing they are doing so, and without any intentionality whatsoever. Even if they don’t spread the virus, if they are ill, they will hurt the people around them who care deeply for them. I recognize that the emotions of “others” are not necessarily our responsibility, but the impact is a real thing and should be considered. If they grow ill and require assistance, they will be helping to tax an already burdened health care system. They will be aiding in the jeopardy of our front line and essential workers.
So yes, all of these things bother me. However, does my being bothered justify my anger or frustration? Do I need to justify my feelings? I don’t think I need to validate my feelings but I do think that I need to get to the bottom of them so they don’t cause harm to my body and mind. How do I release the anger that I feel? How do a move back to a place of no-judgment during a time when I am more sensitive and emotional than I would normally be? How do I manage my expectations of people during a time when there are external expectations of people that materially impact the greater ‘us’?
Um, I don’t know. That’s right. I just admitted that I don’t have a fucking clue.
Despite my inability to figure out the ultimate answer, I feel pretty confident that I could do something that would set me on the right path. So, that’s what I am going to share with you. It is going to sound trite and overly simplistic, but for me, it’s the only way. I have to remind myself that I cannot control other people’s thoughts, emotions, or actions. I am also not responsible for such. Fostering emotionality related to other people’s decisions will cause me far more harm than doing any good. Cool, what now?
Well, I have faith and hope. I know that sounds hokey as shit, but please bear with me. I breathe and tell myself that things will ultimately turn out exactly as they should. Tragedy is a misery and sucks and I don’t believe there is any acceptable explanation for such, but even with that in mind, things will unfold as they are meant to. I can’t change that. I can only respond, react, and take care of myself when/as things happen. I can voice my concern if the situation warrants (these days that doesn’t go over very well unless it’s like…my parents), but mostly, I can just worry about myself. Not in a selfish, self-centered kind of way. In a ‘minding my own business for the sake of self-preservation’ kind of way.
What does anger do? It stirs me up, it causes anxiety, it pushes people away. So, why feed it? I will be disappointed and salty and even sad when I see people I care about making crazy decisions (by my standards, I recognize) or saying crazy things (again, per moi). But those reactions can be short lived and I can move through them and just accept people for who they are, as I would want them to do for me.
So yeah, I was a little mad yesterday. Even this morning. But now, I’m not. Now I’m just drinking some tea and thinking about getting through this week, one day at a time.
We don’t need to judge each other ever, but certainly not now. I truly hope that people make the right decisions. I hope they are selfless more than selfish. I hope they value this gift of life they’ve been given. If they don’t, nothing I am going to do is going to change that. That, my friends, is what I call freedom.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 