Hi. Hello there. I am not sure if you noticed I was absent yesterday. I am sorry if I worried you if you are plugged into my posts regularly. Normally I advise when I am going to disappear so I can understand how in the middle of a pandemic, it might be concerning that I didn’t give anyone a heads up and I just, well, didn’t post. I am truly sorry. I am healthy. My family and most of my friends are healthy.
I was working. From 8:30 AM to 10:30 PM. I am not sharing that information to solicit pity or compassion. I deserve neither. I am extraordinarily grateful to be employed right now. I mean that from the very bottom of my heart. I am not sharing that fact for any other reason than to tell you that I didn’t post for what I consider to be the very best reason. I was practicing self-care. I was absolutely exhausted. My eyes were tired, I had a wicked headache, and all I wanted to do was lay down and watch the silliest rom-com I could find on Netflix.
I didn’t want to conjure the energy that it would take at that time to transform my feelings into words on paper (or a screen). I didn’t want to look at a screen for one more minute. I wanted to change into my night pajamas (come onnnnn…I know you’ve seen that meme by now), wash my face, brush my teeth, cozy into bed, and zone out on something that required zero input from me.
I’ve reiterated a few times that I do not write out of obligation and I truly mean that. I don’t write because I have to, but because I really want to. I’ve said this from the beginning but it bears repeating: I like writing on this blog because I have this fantasy that maybe I can help someone feel heard or make someone laugh. I hope that my words bring feelings of comfort and solidarity, if not now, then someday. I want people to feel less alone. I want people to feel validated in their feelings. I want you know that I’ve been through some shit but I do the work every day to stay on my path to a feeling of worthy.
I know you might roll your eyes or gag a little at that phrase, but please, I mean it. I really, really do. Last night was the perfect example. The ‘me’ of years ago would have done one of two things in that very scenario. I would have pushed through my tiredness and frustration and written something (even if that writing was meh at best) or I would have not posted but beaten myself up all night about the decision. There would not have been an option ‘c’ in that case. I would have chosen from two options and either would have represented a departure from self-care and self-love.
You know how I know I’ve come such a long way? A friend got in touch and asked me if I posted yesterday and she missed it. I told her no, that I would be posting today, and nothing. I felt nothing. I threw a ‘sigh’ face emoji onto my text but it didn’t represent disappointment in myself for not posting. Rather, I was expressing my ‘holy shit I’m tired’ self. When I got into bed and pulled my quilt up to my chin and focused my energy onto my television, I didn’t feel guilty or anxious. I felt relaxed and well, sleepy.
I cannot begin to tell you what an indication of health that is in the greater scheme of me.
And you know what? It makes me feel better about writing today. I have my ups and downs like everyone, but last night and today told me that I am actually doing the work and something is sticking. It showed me that I am not just talking the talk, but walking the walk. I am literally practicing what I preach. So when I share some advice or a story about what I chose to do, you should feel a sense of comfort knowing that I am really and truly not full of shit.
Don’t get me wrong, I am sure that there have been many times in my life when I have been full of it. The one thing I can tell you about that is that my falsehoods or misrepresentations were not deliberate act of deception on my part. I mean, I know that I am always (and will always) be a work in progress, so I’m never going to state that I am ‘there’. However, I am sure there were times in my life that I have lobbed advice at a friend or family member or co-worker, only to discover at a later date, following some serious self-reflection, that I’ve never actually heeded my own advice. There is a silver lining to that bit of information as well. Ready for it? Well, it means I’m human (surprise!). Also, it makes it that much more evident that I haven’t been that person since I started writing for this blog.
Sorry, I don’t mean to disclaimer the shit out of you guys, but I do want to backtrack for a second. That statement I just made does not mean that I never make mistakes or revert back to old (and bad) habits. I do. Please see my ‘I am human’ statement above. It does mean that for the most part, I am following the paradigm that I share with you regularly. It means that I am steadfastly committed to a life filled with physical, mental, and spiritual health. It means that the days of me pretending that everything is ‘just fine’ when it is NOT just fine are well behind me.
Okay, fanfuckingtastic. I deserve a parade. What does this mean for you, other than giving you some reassurance that I’m not a lying bag of dirt? Well, it truly means that there is hope for us all. Don’t shake your head at me either. I HAVE sunken to the lowest common denominator at many times in my past. I have measured my self-worth at near zero and I have permitted the most abysmal treatment, in many areas of my life. I have been complacent, silenced, scared, bitter, angry, jealous, irrational, and oh so permissive. I have put my self-care at the bottom of the list. I have worked a 12 hour day and then done for others when my heart was just not in it.
Oh, and there are going to be times when you have to get er’ done (aka doing something when you barely have the time or energy), so doesn’t it make more sense to give yourself a little love during those rare ‘must do’ times you can so you keep your tank filled for those ‘cannot avoid’ emergencies?
Please don’t tell me it isn’t possible. It is. In small, teeny tiny ways. You may not be able to ‘take the night off’ but I guarantee you that you have one minute. Literally one minute. Count to ten, and then back down, and then back up again. That’s called breathing and sometimes we need a refresher. I recognize your job (health care worker, etc.) might make this next to impossible right now, which is why I am telling you that when life is like that, sometimes a little breathing goes a very long way.
Maybe you have longer and you can have a cup of coffee or tea (or maybe a boozy cocktail if you aren’t heading back to work or looking after anyone or driving or bike riding or…) or watch a half hour sitcom (highly recommend old episodes of ‘The Office’ or ‘Parks and Rec’ if you need a suggestion). Maybe it makes you feel good sending love out the door so you take a minute to text a few friends or family members that you love them, or maybe you commend a co-worker on his or her or their performance.
If you do this, you will be giving back to you. You know what happens when you do that? You get to fill your reservoir a little. You get to save a little piece of yourself for another day when you need credit to spend.
I have work ahead of me tonight but I am taking a break to write to all of you because I took last night to chill out. I gave myself a little hug and it made all the difference. Now I’m sending out a hug to all of you.
Talk to you tomorrow. Really.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 