Validation. Just the word gives me the creeps. And yet….our societal foundation is squarely propped directly on top of that word. Its meaning, its implications, its impact. We thrive and shrink in the face of validation.
I was chatting earlier today with a lovely friend of mine and telling her a work story. She wrote this to me: “Eff getting his validation. It doesn’t make anything you do any less important or valuable.” Mind. Blown. I know, insane given all the ‘love yourself’ action on this blog, and yet, it IS my truth. I feel good about my contributions at work. I work my ass off. Always. I mean that. I can’t say this in every single aspect of life but when it comes to work, I always give 100%. I care so much about what I do and the work product I generate and I believe that is evident when looking at the end result of my efforts.
To be clear, my work is not thankless, because I am compensated for the work that I do. There might be some argument as to whether that compensation is appropriate, but that said, I am compensated. That fact may be neither here nor there, but I wanted to make sure you have all the facts in front of you.
Anyway…
What prompted my friend to share this golden nugget of wisdom with me is that I admitted to her that my boss did not acknowledge something I had done (many things actually) and it made me sad. I used the word sad. Actually, I didn’t just use the word sad. I couched my ‘I feel sad’ with a ‘I know it’s silly, but…” Yuck. But alas, that is my truth and that’s what you come here for, right? I did feel sad or at least the closest emotion to what I was feeling at that moment was sorrow of some sort so that’s how I identified it.
I did not feel like a bad employee. I didn’t suddenly feel like I wasn’t good at my job or didn’t work hard enough. I didn’t question what I bring to the table. I felt disappointed that the person I report to did not SEE what I was doing. That sounds pretty lame, huh? Like let’s be grown ups here. Just like someone once told you that not everyone is going to like you, you should know that not every bit of good that you do is going to be recognized.
And YES I know that I am lucky to be employed right now. That is not part of this discussion because a feeling of overwhelming and consistent gratitude (which I can assure you that I have) does not remove your ability to experience an emotional reaction to something. Like you can be grateful to have a partner who loves you and still want to kill him/her/them when they piss you off. Just saying.
Moving on.
If you didn’t guess it yet, there is going to be a shitty part of this that I’m going to share. Ready? People will ALWAYS recognize it when you fuck up. If you mess something up, trip up, make a mistake, they will 100% every single gd time tell you. They won’t just let you know that you screwed up. They will likely drill it into you so that you KNOW how badly you screwed the pooch.
That kind of sucks, which is why it is even more critical to separate your emotions from other people’s perception of you. That is not to say that you shouldn’t care about how people feel at all. It is critical to be connected to your interaction with other people or else you have turned into some sort of automaton. The challenge is having an awareness but not letting that awareness grow to a trigger. Does that compute?
Perhaps not, so let’s do what we do best and find a real-life situation that highlights what I am recommending you do. Hell, I have an idea, let’s use my actual work situation. Why not, right? I bust my ass and my boss decides it is not worthy of any sort of acknowledgement. I want to tell you that I am not expecting nor do a I want a thank you. It IS after all my job. I just want him to look at this particular project and tell me that I killed it, because I did. I nailed it. When he didn’t say a word. When he instead was surly and impatient with me, I felt sad. So, this is what the ‘working it out’ looks like. I HAVE to care that my boss thinks I am doing a good job. I don’t need him to express that he thinks I am doing a good job. His feelings that I am doing a good job are expressed in the sense that he keeps me employed. His faith in me is evidenced by the fact that he keeps entrusting me with new assignments. When he is unhappy with something I do, he tells me. In those instances, I need to work on or correct what is not so good, but again, I can do that without self-deprecation. I can do that without thinking I’m a shitty employee or worse, a terrible person.
This does not mean you give yourself a pass if you repeatedly fuck things up at work. We have to own where we might be falling down on the job (literally) and aim to turn things around. That goes for relationships and other situations too. This simply means that we will not allow our self-worth to be determined by another human’s view of us. This sounds like a simple concept and I know I’ve shared versions of this before, but it bears repeating right now. Why? Well, life is a mess right now. People are working from home or schlepping into very risky environments. Teachers are educating online and parents are now 24-hour sources of entertainment for their kids. People who don’t cook a ton are now home chefs. People are sick and people are well and everyone is stressed. Things are a fucking mess.
And yet, we still care about what people think. You KNOW what that looks like, right? People explaining their parenting, their meals, their schedules, their daily activities. Not just explaining, but comparing and excusing. You don’t owe anyone shit. Don’t clarify your point or position. You are figuring out how to live during a stay-the-fuck-home pandemic. If you are caring for yourself and your family and loved ones in a way that works, who CARES what anyone else thinks?
You can seek validation if you need it. I mean, let’s be real. Social media is basically a grouping of validation seeking platforms. Right? And that’s totally okay. No judgment here. But don’t let the receipt or absence of that validation tank you. Just know who you are and what you bring to the table and go from there. If you need to work on some shit, work on it. If you are good, stay good. Actually, stay golden.
I’m going to take tomorrow off. It’s Sunday. My day of rest. Hope you are having a good Passover. Have a great Easter. Or if you don’t celebrate any of it, just stay safe.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
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