I was on FaceTime with my parents this evening and I made a joke about quarantine body. They both chastised me for making this statement and so I quickly assured them I was teasing. However, I then followed up my statement with a description of my shelter-in-place exercise routine and a quick download of my eating that day.
Ew. Right? Or maybe you don’t have that reaction. I did. Before you jump to conclusions, I didn’t have that feeling because I was expressing negativity over a desire to maintain health while on lockdown. I’m also not about to embark on some long-winded diatribe criticizing the use of humor as a distraction during this crisis. I am firmly behind mental and physical health in every respect, and I also believe that laughter is a part of that.
What was kind of a bummer is that there was a miniscule thread of truth buried in what I was saying. I am used to my creature comforts and my very regular routine. In my regular, non-quarantine life, I take my two spin classes, four regular gym classes, teach yoga, and walk around my office thirty times a day. The new and temporary life of mine includes a 4 mile run every morning, 30 minutes of a workout app, and then sitting on my duff in my apartment working all day. I mean, I get up to make meals and make calls and take in deliveries, but my overall activity is substantially different. I workout for my mental health but you bet your ass I workout to try and stay in shape too. So yeah, there is a small vibration of fear, of uncertainty.
That point is disappointing for a few reasons. Some of those reasons aren’t worth focusing on right now because they are just human glitches. The issue I want to focus on is why, during a time when I am doing my damndest to not just survive, but thrive, I would spend even thirty seconds being self-disparaging. Isn’t there enough shit that I can’t control stacked up against me (and all of us) right now? Just as a starting point, I am worried about the continuation of my health, the health of my loved ones, and my employment status. Those are some pretty major and heavy issues to ponder on a DAILY basis, so why would I throw in a gratuitous self-flagellation session?
On one hand it seems like it could be a release of sorts to concentrate on something a little lighter. On the other hand, one has to ask whether or not the simpler focal point is actually that or a weightier topic cloaked in the appearance of something superficial. I’m actually going to take that a step further. It is possible that during times of immense stress the issues that are only minor as part of the normal course become far more troublesome. Is it possible that the impact is more significantly felt when our nerves are already frayed and we are generally on edge?
Okay, sure. Great. What does that mean? Well, it means that some thought or concept or point of self-criticism that usually floats on the surface can become dangerously buried during times like this. So rather than just landing and leaving, a seed is planted. We obsess and wring our hands. We might endeavor to change our behavior and then feel let down when we are incapable of doing so, or even beat ourselves up for changing but “failing” to adhere to this modified behavior on some number of occasions.
I tend to think of this as the birds’ nest effect. When it is first being put together, a birds’ nest looks like a flimsy collection of twigs and sticks and leaves. Over time, the bits begin to stack and then suddenly, one day, it has taken on the appearance of a robust nest. It looks unflappable. It looks strong. The little bits and pieces of information that we use to construct our nests of insecurity seem harmless and silly at first. They are meaningless jokes and innocuous side comments. Thus, a funny quip about getting out of shape during this crisis can actually build over time to create or contribute to bigger body image issues.
I know I sound dramatic but I feel as sure about this as I do anything else. There is no question in my mind that a collection of ALL the little things is usually that which topples us. The crisis will not collapse most of our psyches. We will be tested and challenged. We will be mad and sad and frustrated, but we will make it though in the best way that we can. What will chip away at us over time is our inability to cut ourselves a break.
Yes, that’s my point. My long-winded, hard to get to point.
I am not free of insecurities so I cannot in any way, shape or form tell you to instantly release yours. I never will. I can encourage you to do things to help soften your marred and twisty perceptions and to do the work to improve your feelings of self-worth. That’s what this blog is all about actually.
So yeah, be yourself. Feel what you want to and need to. But then also, allow yourself the freedom of being perfectly imperfect. You should really always do this, but right now, that leeway is critical. You need space to navigate in and around because so much of this is outside of your control and that lack of control is going to make you feel like the walls are closing in on you. Only a modicum of reasonableness will give you the valuable perspective that you need so desperately.
I’m not telling you to abandon any adherence to self-care and go buck wild. I’m also not encouraging a full departure from silly memes and jokes. To the contrary, I am suggesting that you incorporate the finest and subtlest point of self-love that will unquestionably offer you the greatest return. Focus on the big picture. This is not about procrastinating and doing tomorrow what you don’t feel like doing today. This is about you setting priorities to help you determine what needs attention first and allowing that to foster and support your health and sense of self. This is about enjoying humor that distracts you and lightens the mood, not that which makes you feel badly.
So, I tell myself that I am exercising once a day which is fantastic. I am nourishing myself in the way that works for me. The situation is far from ideal but my gratitude for my health should [every single gd day] supersede my desire to control everything. My appreciation for ‘what is’ should allow me to embrace and accept the fact that ‘what is’ is actually ‘what is right, right now’.
I’m not full of shit. I’m not pretending that it won’t bother me ever that I can’t just work out the way that I want to. I’m telling you that it will not bother me enough to jeopardize my stability. It will not disturb me to the point of no return.
And just to be clear, I am not saying that our body image should be paramount when we are living in a time where lives are being lost every day to this terrible virus. I’m saying that when there are bigger scaries to consider, we often let the entirety of our insides go to shit.
I feel stressed and sad. So, I made a joke that wasn’t really a joke. But then, I allowed myself to realize this point, I made peace with the underlying message, and then decided that I had bigger fish to fry. This is not an easy or simple task but it is really critical. I know it’s scary to let go of anything we can somewhat control right now, but I feel confident that you can do it. I know that you know how important it is. We just need to get through this, day by day. And the good news is, we are in this together. Solidarity.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
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