I’ve touched on before this idea that people have a certain expectation of us based on who we put ourselves out to be. This persona typically varies based on who we are engaging with and what we choose to share with them. Also, as you might imagine, their individual reaction to the you that they see is going to shape the interaction. The bottom line is that most of us act in a way that sets a particular tone with the people in our lives and when we decide to shift that paradigm, it tends to upset the apple cart.
The knocking over or destruction of the proverbial apple cart isn’t such a bad thing in certain circumstances. For example, if you are in a relationship that you consider destructive for any reason, that shift and its consequences can be exactly what you need to break free. Sometimes it is not even that dramatic. There are times when we have a relationship or interaction where a component is not serving us and even though the shift can be challenging to navigate, the end result is movement into a space that feels more productive.
Let me give some firm examples so we are on the same page before I move forward. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. When I started to stand up for myself and break through the haze of gaslighting, my so-called relationship started to fall apart. Eventually I was left (arguably for someone more tolerant of that horseshit) and although it was mind-numbingly painful, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
I’ve also had a few friendships that gently moved into unhealthy territory for a variety of reasons which are not as important to contemplate right now. I verbalized my unhappiness in some instances and in others, I made it clear what was acceptable to me through my actions. The friends that loved me for me, the real me, hung in there and we shifted together. Those that were in it for the wrong reasons drifted away when I raised my hand. Again, it was painful to lose those friendships but in the “after” I recognized how necessary those losses were to my overall growth as a human.
Great. Go me. Another success story. Is that what this is? Nah. You know me better than that.
Everything I’ve written thus far sounds super fabulous, but it fails to mention a critical point that arises during this exercise as follows: It is really fucking hard to figure out who we really are and what we really want, and even harder to make that known to the people we share our lives with. The crazy part is that these two parts of the greater point are inextricably linked. They are a circular reference of sorts. I have a hard time identifying who I am and what I want people to know because I anticipate the reactions of those people and presume them to be negative or at least critical and that shapes how authentic I am inclined to be with them. What a mess, huh?
I know this is going to blow your heads right off, but there is yet another bit to consider here. While it is difficult enough to dope out and navigate through expectations generally, it is even more challenging during a time when our needs and wants might be shifting due to external circumstances beyond our control. You know, like a pandemic.
So let’s get real about this discussion. Let’s talk about the right now rather than in generalities. I am normally the organizer and the planner amongst friends and family members. I coordinate, schedule, buy tickets, make reservations, and book parking. I enjoy it for the most part and it’s rare that I’ll express the desire not to do so. The only time I find myself feeling a bit “over it” is when the participants are feet dragging in some major way. If you want me to rally the troops and get things together, I’m game. If we go back and forth sending six hundred texts and emails and you are being vague and challenging, I’m less enthusiastic.
The problem is that sometimes I’m too inundated with things in life to have the capacity or desire to be that person. I might joke about it, but I have a tough time raising my hand and outright saying, I just can’t be that for you right now, so I need you to help me. Part of that is unquestionably ego driven, as I pride myself in being an apt facilitator and I quite like it. The other part is my fear of the reaction I’ll get. Will people decide to just bail? Will they be disappointed in me? Will they never ask me to plan again if I ask for assistance this one time? Will this shift their overall opinion of me? There are more questions I ponder and issues I explore in such instances, but those are the major ones. Those are the questions that quash my inclination to say ‘halp’ and force me to plan or coordinate or organize when my heart isn’t in it.
The first thing I am recommending in these such situations is exploring whether the shift is something I really want or need, temporarily or permanently. What that means is that I have to determine whether my sense of self is so intertwined with this particular quality that sucking it up a couple of times to preserve this expectation is “worth” it. I’m not embarrassed to share with you that when it comes to the planning part of my personality, it is. It is not detrimental to my health to organize and coordinate when I’m a little overwhelmed, and so, I push through.
However, even after arriving at that conclusion, it is still important to explore why that particular fear is elicited and how I can eradicate it even if I feel that to be unnecessary. Which does beg the question, why is facing that fear necessary when I don’t intend to change? Well, because it helps me prepare for those instances when I want to change. It’s practice.
There is no magical advice I can give you here. I am only going to suggest one thing and you will either do it, or not. You have to repeat a little mantra to yourself. You have to tell yourself, no matter how painful it is, that the people who love you will love you for who you really are, not who they want you to be. Those folks that only love you for who they want you to be are just not meant to hold a permanent place in your life and heart. You hear me? This is particularly important to understand because there will be instances where we are blocked from making a shift, like with work, or the shift will have an impact that is so detrimental that it makes the decision for us. That is why we must own the shifts that we CAN make and the relationships that we DO have and why the actuality of the shift becomes almost irrelevant.
During this crisis we are in the middle of, I don’t really have the bandwidth to set up FaceTime calls or Zoom chats. While the outcome pleases and satiates me, I don’t have the burning desire to gather and connect. But, I’m not willing to let go of that role. And, it doesn’t hurt me. I’m also not afraid to if I need to. You get it?
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 