I have always struggled with the concept of the “good girl.” I think I’ve talked about this before, but it is rearing its ugly head in the most profound way right now, so it feels necessary to discuss. The irony is that I have played that particular role in some of my relationships. I’ve squished down my needs and wants in some vain attempt to retain someone’s attention. I’ve done it in friendships as well. In case you haven’t figured it out (and tend to read the blog regularly), this ties pretty closely in with my last post. And yet, it is different.
I am not attempting to address the way in which we engage with others in a more granular way. I am trying to speak more holistically about our need to please, or not. I am talking about modifying every behavior to make things easier and nicer for someone else. I am talking about completely subverting who we are in some attempt to keep things even keeled. Actually, in some fashion this is not even about personality traits because when you play the role of good girl (or guy), your personality almost vanishes entirely.
I HAVE been this person from time to time, but I am going to talk about my observations of others for a moment because sometimes that’s an easier discussion or identification. In fact, I’m going to take it a step beyond that. I am not just talking about others because it helps to be on the outside looking in to dissect this particular phenomenon. I am talking about others because although I’ve been on the other side of this thing, it tends to trigger me when I engage with good girls. Yup. I said it. It drives me fucking batty. I experience several emotions at once, including but not limited to frustration, confusion, anger, disappointment, and jealousy. Um, say what? Yes. I am envious at times. I’ll get to that momentarily.
Okay, so let’s start with the quick glance in. When one of my friends or co-workers is playing the role of the good girl (or guy), I often find myself wondering if I know them at all. The personality and traits that I’ve come to associate with them as humans that I know are completely hidden. Actually, that is not entirely true. There are plenty of instances where the person I believe them to be or know them to be, gently bobs to the surface here and there. Believe it or not, I actually prefer the complete submersion. The rare appearance of my friend is actually what confuses me. I have a hard time processing that those two distinct personalities can be housed in the same body. And yes, before you think it, I am sure that people feel the same when observing me in these situations. I am not harshly criticizing. I am observing and sharing my feelings.
I feel angry because I don’t understand why this whole concept ever emerged and how it’s survived the test of time. It’s been identified in different ways over time (think Donna Reed) but it sticks with us like a pervasive mold or a cockroach. No matter how many hashtags we conceptualize or movements we start, as women or as people, we cannot seem to shake the ‘I should just be good’ concept. I mean it. Even during a time when the gloves are off and we are battling our shit out on social media, we still find ways to soften our blows. Well, some of us do. We explain, we caveat, we refer, we apologize, we seek reinforcement and support, and we internalize.
Okay cool. You might understand without me explaining why this behavior makes me angry and confused. I think that we should always be polite and respectful of one another. I don’t think that should entail completely erasing who we are in favor of a persona preferred by ___________. That’s basically saying ‘you are more important than me, thus your needs and wants will always be more important than mine.’ Hm. Right. Except that doesn’t work, right? Like even if you are a caretaker, you have to find a way to take care of yourself first and foremost or good luck really giving anyone else what they need.
So why envy? Well, I see that often this good girl/guy attitude and behavior gets people further in personal and professional situations. I know that’s not how I want to get there and I know that maintaining that level of bullshit would literally eat me alive, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel that tug of jealously. Part of the resentment I feel is also because it doesn’t come easily to me. Not because I am better than anyone else, but because I’m can be overly passionate and too spicy when it comes to my responses. If I am fiercely connected to something, I have a hard time disconnecting (pausing) and responding in a more people pleasing kind of way. I tend to just speak my mind. Great, but not really. Or not always.
So for me the work becomes figuring out how to not be triggered by other’s desire to people please and also, not allowing myself to get caught in the trap of people pleasing myself. How do I do that?
Well, I’ve said it before and I really mean it. Like really, really mean it. It is imperative to separate from other people’s decisions and behavior. It is extremely challenging, particularly if we are close to them or their behavior impacts us, but still, it is critical. I don’t get triggered by acknowledging that it bothers me and taking the time to work it all through. Yes, it upsets me because I wish I could just make an interaction easier with ____________ by acting that way. No, that is not something I’m comfortable with and also, that will set a tone for future behavior in that situation or relationship that I do NOT want to commit to. This person choosing to act that way might make me look bad by comparison, but I have to have faith that all of my other good traits will speak for themselves and if I “lose” because of that choice, it is just meant to be. Ultimately, a reward or emulation due to good girl behavior would likely mean a long stretch of it, and I’m just not built that way. So yeah, I chill out. I weigh the pros and cons. I breathe. I just let people be themselves.
So as you might have guessed, this same tactic is useful when avoiding people pleasing. I will say that the avoidance of this has been particularly trying during this fucked up crisis we are in the middle of. I am so scared to lose my job or challenge relationships, that I find myself tempted to employ that behavior. But I won’t. It doesn’t serve me. At all. And if I use it now to muddle through, I would have to be ready to act that way on a go-forward basis (even after we are through this) and I just cannot do that. I will not do that. So I suppose that is another lesson that is buried in this little preach of mine. Whatever compromises you make right now, understand that you may or may not be stuck with them even after the clouds have cleared. It’s tempting to make concessions and it might even be necessary, but just make them after serious thought. Don’t make them flippantly. It’s a big commitment. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t jump in, but in this case, choose your jumping wisely.
I think I’ll be here tomorrow, but I’m not sure. Since I’m not a good girl, I’m not promising anything. I’ll prob see you tomorrow. If not, I’m definitely coming back on Monday. Hang in there.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 