I don’t know if you fall into the same camp as me, but lately little tasks turn into slightly bigger projects. Not purposefully per se, but more so because I am more conscious than ever of my living space. In the spirit of full disclosure, I live in a studio apartment. Well, I suppose that statement is more accurate if I tell you that I currently live and work in what is basically one big room. With work as busy as it is (no complaints), I don’t have a time for a full overhaul but I do seem to have time for smaller victories.
So, when I went to pull a pen out of a fridge-affixed mail organizer early this morning, I decided almost subconsciously that it was time for a little tidy-up. Like Mary Poppins’ famous bag, I found myself removing a staggering amount of shit from that rather diminutive holder. I found business cards (people I no longer know), frequent customer cards (more than likely expired), coupons (also expired), bookmarks (yes, I read actual books), photo booth strips (man I miss my people), and a lonesome magazine clipping. I want to be clear that finding a random magazine clipping is not unusual, at all. The only reason I don’t have piles of clippings these days is because I have 10,000 screen shots stored on my iPhone. In other words, I mostly electronically clip words of wisdom these days.
What I’ve always enjoyed about these clippings is that they resonate with me and take on different meanings at different points in my life. Depending on my mood, mental state, physical health, relationship status, and several other factors, I could theoretically have five or even ten completely different reactions to the same words. I preserve these little sentiments for exactly that reason. I believe that the stringing together of words to evoke or transmit a particular feeling is akin to creating a piece of art; open to interpretation based on the observer or recipient and their respective frame of mind.
Now you know the why, so let’s get to the what. I have to admit that I don’t know the source of this particular quote, neither the publication nor the author. I typically save both in my careful clipping, so this is an anomaly. So, I want to be clear that these are NOT my words. What I am about to share are someone else’s words that another someone thought were profound enough to publish in a magazine. If anyone reading this recognizes these particular words and wishes to credit the author and/or the publication, please contact me. The quote on the time-worn magazine page I found during my decluttering is as follows: “Freedom to want is your trump card. It’s what enables us to scan new constellations, fall in love or resolve to leave, find our way home.”
I want you to read that a couple of times if you have it in you. Drink it in.
These words knocked me on my ass for a few reasons. Outside of all of the past memories they brought to the front of my brain, I found myself keenly aware of what they mean to me today. Right now. Alone, sheltering-in-place in my studio apartment. This is a biggie and it might be difficult to digest at first. Ready? I have not entertained my wants in weeks. I have identified and satisfied my basic needs (food, water, movement). I have explored my feelings (sad, mad, confused, scared, relieved, grateful, content). I have not dared to really delve into what I want. When I do dip my toes into that pool, I find myself shrinking from the implications. Who am I to want right now beyond physical health for me and my loved ones? How could I ask for anything if I am employed and I can put food on my table and I have a roof over my head?
I want to be clear that I am not talking about basic emotional wants. I am not referring to the feelings that I’ve explored in other posts. This is not about wanting a moment of peace and quiet, finding goodness and humor in the face of despair, or figuring out how to emotionally navigate through this crisis. I am talking about the following: I want to go to Morocco and Bali. I want to celebrate my 40th birthday in a big way. I want to lazily peruse the shelves of my library. I want to squeeze my niece and nephew, separately and together. I want to get my hair cut and dyed. I want to have a cocktail and appetizers at a bar with my best friend. I want to sit in one of my closest friend’s apartments and have him tell me a story while he makes me pizza from scratch for us to share. I want to go hiking with another close friend. I want to run a half-marathon. I want to be hugged. I want to be kissed. I want to hug and kiss. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been afraid to give voice to these wants because they feel so far away right now. I have no idea when I’ll be able to do and/or enjoy any of these things and so, I squish them down. Super duper far down. I make my wants secondary to my basic needs.
There is a utility to taking this action, but there is also a danger. It is important to prioritize needs as that is what survival means at its most basic. But without wants, we have relinquished our freedom. Without wants we have stopped looking forward to tomorrow. Without wants, we lose the desire to take chances, explore, and strive for bigger and better.
The idea that a want has to equate with immediate gratification is something I’ve discussed [and criticized] before. To want something is not to require or demand its immediacy. The art of wanting can be gentle, thoughtful, and measured. Wanting can be doled out in smaller, more manageable increments. We accept the reality of our situation (follow the protocol!) but we have hope. We use feasibility to tamper and make more realistic our wants, but we don’t squash them altogether.
Some of our wants may never come to fruition, but that is not a reason to stop wanting. Some of our wants will not occur on the timeline we most desire, but that is not a reason to stop wanting. Some of our wants will need to be molded and modified, but that is not a reason to stop wanting. Freedom is not your ability to go wherever you want and do whatever you want. Freedom is achieved in your mind and in your heart. We can most certainly find the truest form of peace when we accept this point. No matter how far from our comfort zone we have strayed, we can find our way back to ourselves when we see this as a blessing and not a curse. An opportunity and not a technicality. When we understand that we can want and not instantly have and be free when we are restricted, we can truly find our way home.
Ask yourself what you want. Tonight. Tomorrow. Every day thereafter. You don’t have to tell me or anyone. Just whisper it to yourself, loud enough for your heart to hear.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 