“Oh, if you keep reaching out
Then I’ll keep coming back
And if you’re gone for good
Then I’m okay with that…”
–Light On by Maggie Rogers
If you are brand new here, hi, I like music. If you aren’t, then you know. I love music actually. As my days are literally filled with staring at both a computer and a phone screen, I’m more apt to turn on music then watch television these days. So, I’m revisiting old music that I love and discovering new music to soothe my soul. The above lyrics excerpt falls into the latter category.
Now starts the shameless plug: If you haven’t listened to any Maggie Rogers, I highly recommend. Her voice is rich and sultry and her words are profound. I’m not much of a stuck in a genre kind of gal so I can’t exactly tell you what category she would fall into. Pop? Folkish? Not sure. Doesn’t really matter.
Anyway, I heard these lyrics and then I rewound and listened ten times. Twenty times. They are powerful. They resonate. They sit with you. If you are anything like me, they plant themselves on your heart and deep in your belly. If you aren’t anything like me but instead, are on the other side of this equation I’m about to describe, I think this is a useful read for you too.
What do these words mean? Well, I can share a couple of different perspectives because I am this person. Or at least I have been this person. I try to be less this person today. There have been times when I knew something or someone was no good. Worse than no good. They were damaging to me, to my psyche. And yet, historically this was not a sufficient motivation to walk away. Provided someone kept coming back or reaching out, I would cave and let down my guard and fold them or it back in.
This is going to sound kind of ridiculous but hang in there. This is not just about people. This is not just about an unsavory romantic relationship. This paradigm is true for nearly everything. Yes, everything. This is about relationships, friendships, and even bad habits. We recognize the lack of health in a situation but we feel powerless to change it when it presents itself. If it doesn’t ever present again, then we are comfortable letting it go. We will not seek him/her/it out. But the second it is in our line of vision, we fold. Collapse. Give in.
You know exactly what I am talking about, no? This is why we delete people from our phones or block people from our social media accounts. This is why we don’t bring certain food into our homes. This is why we fill time with non-negotiables to keep busy. This is why we seeks reinforcement and support from those around us. I shouldn’t answer his/her call, right? I don’t really need dessert tonight. I already exercised this morning so taking that class is overkill, isn’t it?
We seek permission. We want someone to tell us it’s okay. We want that person or thing that is no good for us to stay the fuck away or we want to have a good solid excuse or explanation if it comes in our space. We want an easy way to make something ‘gone for good’ knowing full well that even if we feel that loss initially, we will truly be okay.
While I am on that particular topic, that is an important distinction to make. It is an important clarification. I am not suggesting at all that losing that thing or resisting that urge is easy. Not by a long shot. There is a grieving period, there is stress, there is pain, there is annoyance, and there are urges that are almost painful. What I am saying is that these are losses we survive. These are losses that actually lead to us thriving. These are losses that help us grow stronger and more resilient.
Great, we’ve kind of covered this topic-ish before, so what’s my point? Well my point is tied to our current situation (crisis, stay-at-home situation) but is also completely applicable to any other damn time. It is just a little more critical now while emotions are running high and stress is abound.
I am going to say it as clearly as I can. If something is unavailable or someone has left you and that is what needs to happen for you to say goodbye, that is okay. Did you read that right? That is as simple as it gets. You do not need to beat yourself up because you didn’t just wake up and find the strength within yourself to cut that tie. Progress does not always emerge from a place of inner strength. The strides we make in our personal growth do not always start as a nugget of self-motivation. At all.
The most profound lessons I have learned in my life thus far have come from decisions other people have made. I am not even a little embarrassed to admit that fact. Not even a smidgen. Sometimes I just haven’t known where to begin. I want to get to a certain place of freedom and health but I just don’t know where to start. And so, my starting point has been the action or inaction of another person. My cue to begin to separate has been unavailability or inaccessibility. Who gives a shit?
And I am going to tell you something else. If someone criticizes the way you got to ‘okay’ rather than celebrating that momentous occasion, you might want to take a good look at that relationship. So many things in life, so many parts of our journey are not about the means. They are about the ends. Once we get to the end and self-reflect, then we can hope to make a better decision next time around. We can hope that we are able to take the necessary steps before we are forced to.
But guess what, even if we never get there, that’s okay too. Yup. The path to worthy is not about doing things perfectly. It is not about how you do battle. It is not about being a role model for anyone else. The path is about finding the perfect way to get to a place of health in your own emotional life. There is no one scheme and if someone has to be the fire under your behind, so be it.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 