A friend asked me yesterday how I was doing. Before I could respond (I am objectively slow in writing out texts as compared to most) she shared with me that she felt like she was normalizing. Then my brain did what it is sometimes apt to do, it shifted. Immediately. I was cycling through my thoughts in order to properly articulate how I was doing and then blammo, I was tossed straight out of my head. In keeping to our customary honesty, my first thought was ‘how the FUCK is that possible?’ My second thought (wait for it) was ‘how can I do that too?’ Have you guessed my third thought yet? Well it was ‘there is no way I can do that…I am so jealous.’
Good ol’ green-eyed monster. What a loyal little bitch. We are in the middle of a pandemic. A time of an actual crisis. And I have found a reason to get that annoying itch of envy. It sucks. Like really sucks. But alas, I am human and we humans tend to have emotions.
Why was I jealous of someone getting themselves back to status quo?
Did I or do I crave an adjustment to this new fucked up world we are living in? Or am I just marveling at someone’s ability to seemingly control their emotions right now? Perhaps I’d like the ability to control something, anything? It could be all of these things and also, none of these things.
I’m really not even sure. And I’m letting myself have that. I am not going to do the deep dive that I normally would in these situations. I am just going to let myself feel like lil bit of a creepy feeling. Why? Well, because I need to. Because in some really fucked up way, this is the closest to normal I’m getting right now. That is my normalizing. Letting myself feel what I am feeling without measuring against the grief I feel about the state of the world right now. I am not throwing out a disclaimer or a comparison. I am not going to talk about what other people are going through. We all know how I feel about that and them. We all know how you feel about it too. We get it. I get it. I just want to feel pissy and jealous right now.
I want to feel bent out shape the way I do when I meet a girl who has that perfect long, glossy shiny hair that hangs just right (no frizz…must be nice). I want to feel irked the way I do when a friend who never, ever works out slides into a pair of size 2 jeans. I want to feel the punchy way I do when someone can layer clothing perfectly. Can you do that? Fuck man. I wish I could. It always looks very Ralph Lauren, easy breezy on the right people and on me, I just look like I’m trying to escape from a fire with most of my clothing ON in order to save it. It’s not preppy and cute, but like bulky and awkward.
So yeah, I want to take all that yuck and just let it do its thing. You want to know why? Because if I allow myself to do that, to feel that, to experience that, I get to let it go tomorrow. Or maybe tomorrow sucks shit a little but then I get to do it the next day. If I let myself feel the yucky, then I can move through it.
I’ve talked about this at least 10 times, but it is so important that I am not mad about bringing it up again. I didn’t run out of original ideas. I just think this is THE thing that is plaguing us. I was talking to good friends today for a few minutes via text and one admitted to having a little breakdown today. She said it just comes and goes. Floats in sometimes unexpectedly. She tailed her statement with a ‘I shouldn’t even be saying anything right now because there are so many people that have it so much worse.’ Right. They do. They always do. For nearly every situation you encounter, no matter how tragic, maddening, ruinous, and irreversible, there is likely one other human on this planet who has had or does have it worse. That’s just the way of the world.
And yes, right now if you are healthy and your loved ones are healthy and you are employed (even part time), there are many, many people who are “worse off” than you. That is a fact. But here’s the thing…that doesn’t take away your ability to feel pissed off or scared or upside down. Not even a little. It should enable you to not dwell. It should push you to work through what you are feeling and get to the other side of it all. It should help you get to better faster. But it does not need to prevent you from feeling what you are truly feeling. It doesn’t need to spark guilt.
Let’s talk this through for a hot minute. If you repress what you are feeling because someone out in the world has it worse than you do, you will likely never ever be permitted to express any feelings, ever (see statement above re: people). If you never ever express your feelings, you will likely have melt down of some sort. That’s just what happens. That or you will slowly disconnect from healthy and normal relationships because you will lose the ability to relate. Also, you NOT feeling your feelings does not do anything for those that are suffering in the world. It doesn’t make sick people well, give jobs to the unemployed, or food to the hungry. It doesn’t ease the exhaustion of a front line worker or create a higher pay scenario (um, working wage) for an essential worker.
My feelings about my friend’s ability to reach ‘okay’ status might be cool. They might be off the chart insane. They might not even be what I think they are….but it doesn’t matter. Tonight I’m just going to be a little cranky. And then tomorrow, hopefully, I’ll adjust. That’s the best I can do and really, the most I could ask of you.
One day at a time. One feeling at a time. Existing with compassion but a serious case of being human.
Talk to you tomorrow (or Monday). Happy weekend…I think?
L.
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