“Privilege is being born on third base. Ignorant privilege is thinking you’re there because you hit a triple. Malicious privilege is complaining that those starving outside the ballpark aren’t waiting patiently enough.” ― Glennon Doyle, Untamed
I keep revisiting sections of ‘Untamed’ because it is just. So. Good. I recognize that I may enjoy Ms. Doyle’s writing because I agree with much of her perspectives on relationships, politics, and well, the human condition. There, I said it, I’m biased. I like her because I feel like she’s like me. I want to put that out there so you don’t feel like my return to her words comes from a place of objective interest. I feel a kinship, a sense of being heard, and so…I circle back. I listen to the same words and different words over and over again because I want to absorb them fully so I can truly feel them. Active listening, if you will.
The above referenced quote really profoundly resonated with me today. So much so that I listened to it a few times and then read it several times. What I love most about these words is that there is a common theme of awareness, but that cognizance is softened, tempered by context. Intention and personality are taken into account and those factors shape the intimation of that one word ‘privilege.’
I feel privileged. Scratch that, I KNOW I am privileged. I was born a Caucasian female into a middle-class home. I received a good secondary education and I have an undergraduate degree and two graduate degrees. I have a job, I own my home (small as it may be), and I have the ability to put food on my table three times a day, or more. I can travel, eat out with friends, attend concerts, and belong to a gym. I get new clothing nearly every season and every so often I treat myself to a massage or a pedicure. I am not bragging. I am being honest about who I am and what my life is. I am massively, extraordinarily grateful for all of it. While I built some of it while working very hard, I was also born into it. My parents provided a comfortable life for me. I never wanted for anything growing up. I am thankful for them and their hard work. I am also appreciative of the fact that they thought it critical to imbue me with a sense of gratitude for all that they gave me.
My parents used to take us on these exotic trips when I was a kid. I say exotic because we were not going to Disneyland, but rather, mainland China in 1993. To paint a full picture, this is before China’s population owned cars. It was a land of many, many bicycles. Anyway, they took us there for a very particular reason. They wanted to expose us to different cultures and other ways of life. They wanted me and my sister to understand exactly what we had and why it should not be taken for granted. Those trips were wonderful but they were also eye-opening. They were a real education. My parents were grateful for the ability to provide for their family, but they would not allow such privilege to go unacknowledged. They would not permit my sister nor me from believing that our lives were the norm, either in the United States or around the world.
I am so glad they made this choice. While my heart hurts from that awareness sometimes (another post on a different day), I also feel so blessed. So very blessed.
They could have raised us in ignorant privilege. They could have enabled detachment from the real world by sheltering us from what is really “out there.” We could have just gone to Disney. I’ll tell you that it would have been a far easier catch-up with friends at school after February break. But my parents made the tougher choice. They made the choice to provide with understanding. To encourage sympathy and compassion. To see things from a broader point of view.
I am NOT suggesting that being raised this way allows me to know what it is like to not grow up or exist in privilege. At all. I have not the faintest fucking clue what that’s like. But, I listen better. I feel more. I am empathetic in a way that may never have come to light. This quality pains me sometimes, but it is also necessary. It has helped me grow and change and be the person I believe I am truly meant to be. In Ms. Doyle’s words: “Empathy is my superpower.” I have owned and used for the positive that giant pot of emotion because of all of the work that my parents did. Bless their hearts.
Ignorant privilege and malicious privilege can emerge from the same place. A pervasive commitment to only associating with those believed to be like-kind. A separation. A rigid adherence to antiquated societal infrastructures. The consistent use of cognitive biases to convince oneself that what the world appears to be (massive, diverse, rich, poor, educated, uneducated, kind, ruthless, etc.) is not actually what it is. Rather, the world is viewed from the limited lens of one seat, in one place, for all time. There is no inherent harm here and yet, this ignorance can be extremely harmful.
The trick is receiving an education that challenges ignorant privilege and/or living freely in the world and allowing the tenements of ignorant privilege to be disproven by natural truths. This education is sometimes sought out and sometimes foisted upon folks. While the former condition is typically a more successful method, either will do.
Malicious privilege, as far as I am concerned is one of the primary poisons making our society ill today. I would even go so far as to say malicious privilege has gotten us to such dire straits with COVID-19. I know, no one wants to hear that, but it is my truth. If you don’t agree, I respect that. What do I mean? When it is a PROVEN fact that COVID-19 has been more impactful in certain populations in the United States. Socio-economic status is determining whether some folks live or die. It is determining whether they are able to work from home, avoid public transportation, have access to tests, and can afford medical care. I don’t want to debate you on the topic of health care or social services. Let’s not go there. Please. That is not my point. My point is not my opinion on these matters, but the FACT that folks are unwilling to make decisions that involve time or money when they believe the only folks suffering are the less privileged.
Malicious privilege is feeling viciously angry and hateful when your Amazon order is delayed or your Instacart shopper neglected to make the proper substitution. You can be a little annoyed. I get it. I’m here for you. I’ve been there too. But when you start spouting vitriol…you’ve gone to the dark side. You are not leaving room to acknowledge that essential workers (who often make far from living wages) are risking their lives to perform these tasks. You are spouting venom because you cannot understand why anyone else would be prioritized over you and you might even wish them harm.
Malicious privilege is a weapon of mass destruction. Privilege is not. Malicious privilege is and ignorant privilege is half-way there. Malicious privilege is divisive. It feeds hatred and discrimination. It creates unnecessary angst and hurts so many. Also, it benefits NO ONE. It doesn’t even benefit the person feeling that particular breed of class-based distain. It doesn’t. Those folks are so ugly on the inside. They are angry and self-righteous and so, so hateful. It is a pox. A plight. A virus. Yes, I said it. Malicious privilege is a virus.
The cure? Sadly, it is often someone being humbled. Brought to his/her knees. The less detrimental treatment? Education. Contact. Compassion. An unwillingness for people surrounding that person(s) to support such behavior. This is where you don’t need to keep an open mind. This is where you don’t need to ‘agree to disagree.’ If I meet someone and they are boldly, maliciously privileged, I call them out. I present them with FACTS. Not opinion. I do not share my bleeding heart. I share black and white facts. If I cannot get through, at all, then I walk away. I cut them off.
Take a spin through these categories. Do you fall into one of them? Do you want to make a change, even if small? Do you know someone who does? Are you the recipient of shit from someone who falls into one of the categories? Can you impact a minute but meaningful change? The whole ‘be the change you want to see in the world’ business is printed on t-shirts, welcome mats, and rustic wood home signs for a reason people. Be. The. Change. You. Want. To. See. In. The. World.
Talk to you Monday. Tomorrow is going to be my day of rest. And rain. And a puzzle. And maybe another spin through ‘Untamed.’
L.
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