Flipping through all of these magazines
Telling me who I’m supposed to be
Way too good at camouflage
Can’t see what I am
I just see what I’m not
I’m guilty ’bout everything that I eat
(Every single thing)
Feeling myself is a felony
Jedi level sabotage
Voices in my head make up my entourage
‘Cause I’m a black belt when I’m beating up on myself
But I’m an expert at giving love to somebody else
I, me, myself and
I, don’t see eye to
Eye, me, myself and I
Oh, why do I compare myself to everyone?
And I always got my finger on the self destruct
I wonder when I love me is enough (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I wonder when I love me is enough (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why am I always looking for a ride or die?
‘Cause mine’s the only heart I’m gonna have for life
After all the times I went and fucked it up
(All the times I went and fucked it up)
I wonder when I love me is enough (yeah, yeah, yeah)
-Demi Lovato, ‘I Love Me’
Oh hi there. Sorry not sorry to throw a whole load of lyrics your way. I was going to extract just a stanza or two, but these four really spoke to me and I didn’t want to leave any one of them out. Methinks you could guess this by now, but I heard this song through Spotify when on my daily prison yard run. Sorry, lock-down humor. Anyway, the lyrics literally stopped me in my tracks. I looked and wasn’t wholly surprised when it was a song by Demi. I have a boatload of respect for that woman. She’s been through some shit and she’s been awfully candid about her journey. And not in that ‘my struggle is so flattering that you should love me more’ kind of way. More in the ‘I’m about to share some shit that might make you run for the hills, but I’m just willing to take that chance to remain authentic.’ We can agree to disagree on that one if you feel otherwise. Bottom line: she’s good stuff. She has great lyrics. Even if I don’t love the beat of one of her songs, I find myself loving the words. The meaning.
These are some profound words. They are not new per se, but they are powerful. I have some thoughts that I am going to share, and much like Demi, I recognize that you might not get the warm and fuzzies reading them. That said, I want to keep to my script of brutal honesty at whatever cost.
The various movements in the last few years aimed at helping women (#metoo, no makeup, #AerieREAL) while well intended, haven’t quite done the trick. Women are still marginalized, underpaid, condescended to, and measured and judged using standards that are incredibly and insanely unrealistic [on a good day]. Please don’t misunderstand me as I think these initiatives are wonderful. I just personally feel like it is nearly impossible to imbue a woman with positive feelings about herself from top to bottom when we still have this pervasive undercurrent of unrealistic standards.
Let me see if I can explain, although I have no doubt that you know what I am talking about here. A good friend of mine was recently watching a movie starring Salma Hayek. Her comment to me was “she’s gorgeous. I mean really. And she’s skinny but still curvy. I would love to look like that. Like a small waist but still curvy.” I had to bite my tongue. I had to refrain because sometimes people need to express what they are thinking and feeling without fearing they are going to be subject to a lecture of some sort. What did I want to say? Well, I wanted to share that while Salma Hayek is indeed beautiful, she is also a member of Hollywood elite. While I am not privy to her personal ‘routine’, I have no doubt that she has access to certain people and things that us laypeople cannot access with regularity. You know what I mean, right? Ms. Hayek has at her disposal nutritionists, personal chefs, personal trainers, special dermatologists and super high-end beauty products, plastic surgeons, and designer clothing. I am not criticizing. Good for her. Truly. But most earth-bound creatures laypeople do not. I mean, some of us are able to afford and/or access one of these things, maybe two, but certainly not the whole slew.
Also, to be clear, I think that Salma Hayek is naturally gorgeous. However, the woman that’s all over the red carpet in full glam? That takes a team. So for someone without a team to hold themselves to THAT standard is well….silly.
That understood, there is something even bigger than that fact to contemplate. I don’t think this is a revolutionary idea that I’m about to share, but it must be stated. We are still a society entirely subscribed to the notion that there is basically one standard for women. A standard that is mostly unattainable, which makes it even more ridiculous. And no matter what movements are started and how many hashtags are launched, the standard continues. Unwavering, like black mold.
I am not even talking about physical beauty, though I know I launched into this topic with a little tale on such. I am talking about something so much heavier. So much bigger. Monumental, if you will. Ready?
We have set women up so it is easier for them to love someone else than it is for them to love themselves.
Read that a couple of times. Let it sink in. Even women who think highly of themselves will default to taking care of someone else or adoring someone else or admiring someone else before they get to self-love. I am not even talking about that ‘I am a goddess’ bullshit. I am talking about bare bones. I am talking about expecting respect from others and accepting nothing less. I am talking about being able to scroll through social media without feeling diminished. I am talking about eating a snack without thinking of a way to burn it off at the gym. Hell, I’m talking about buying that damn shirt that says ‘I scream for ice cream’ without wondering if you are just a little too curvy to pull it off without smirks and side glances. I’m talking about choosing a relationship because it enriches you, not because it completes you.
All of these decisions include and involve the concept I mentioned above. It is easier to love others. We women compare, self-sabotage, and diminish ourselves in the blink of an eye. Please don’t misunderstand me. I know men have self-esteem and body image issues. This post is not discrediting that fact even a little. I am just focused elsewhere in this particular post. I am just trying to demonstrate that as women, this shit is literally woven into the fabric of our beings. And I don’t even really know what is going to change it. I’m not sure what meaningful shift is going to happen to make things materially different than they are today. I am not hopeless, I just don’t have the answers.
Maybe we could start by not pretending that things are so different today. Maybe we could change the voices in our heads from shouts of criticism and self-doubt to positive reinforcement. Not ‘you’re a goddess’ but ‘you are doing the best you can’ and ‘you are good’. Maybe we could listen to Demi Lovato’s song and instead of thinking how must she has struggled, we think how much we all struggle, regularly. How relatable she is and how much her words really mean. How honest they are and how true. Maybe we can set little goals rather than big ones. It may never be easier to love ourselves but what if we make the playing field equal? What if we start by liking ourselves? What if we start by acknowledging that Selma Hayek is a stone cold fox but that has no bearing on us, at all, outside of just being an objective fact? Start tiny and then move forward. Stop following one influencer who makes you feel insecure. Eat one snack just because it brings you joy and let your thought cycle stop after you eat it. Watch a ridiculous television show without issuing a pre-watch disclaimer. Give yourself a pat on the back for keeping your shit together during a pandemic.
Start little, but start.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 