I have a beautiful friend. I mean beautiful, on the inside and out. She recently shared something with me and I voiced my uncensored response. I didn’t even hesitate. We are so close that I rode that wave of connection in order to freely share my thoughts. Well, that didn’t go over so well. She didn’t get angry or sad, but just sort of…well, shut down. She sent one word responses to my text messages and I could generally feel a shift in the vibe. I signed-off feeling pretty shitty about the interaction.
In truth, that interaction got me thinking about all the times I’ve volunteered or received unsolicited advice. As you might imagine, the count is high on both accounts.
First I thought about how I’ve responded when receiving unsolicited advice. It is only fair to share that my reactions were mixed. Rarely did I respond with gratitude and abject joy. More often I responded with frustration or pleas to “just listen.” The irony is not lost on me that I don’t often take kindly to unsolicited advice and yet I felt completely comfortable dishing it out to my friend (and it wasn’t the first time). In further analysis, my experience with my girlfriend was not unlike the experiences I’ve had with a close friend or even a family member. I express an interest in hearing their brutal honesty and then when presented with that candor, I lose my mind.
I know, I know. The intention to respond well is there, but I can’t seem to get it over the finish line. In the emotionality of the moment, I feel criticized, judged and attacked. I feel misunderstood. I don’t feel loved and cared for, and I definitely don’t feel known. It’s a strange thing, the reconciliation between who we want to be in certain scenarios and who we actually are when they arise.
I thought that maybe I could get myself to a place of deeper understanding and a better reaction if I figured out my motivation in proffering guidance when it is clear that it has not been sought. There is a lot to unwrap here, beginning with why, as a work in progress, I think I know “better.” Recognizing that I have so much to learn and appreciating the vast mistakes that I’ve made, what makes me qualified to tell someone else what to do? Well, for starters, we often see things with greater clarity when they are happening to someone else. That is why hindsight is 20/20, because we are able to remove ourselves from a situation once it’s behind us to see what actually happened. There is something to be said for ‘do as I say, not as I do’ and something else to be said for ‘don’t make the mistakes I’ve made’. Right?
What if I caveat my advice with the disclaimer that I don’t know much more than anyone else and I am only speaking from what my life experience has been? Does that make the advice more appropriate or more palatable? Sure, on some level it does. Really if you are sharing your point of view with someone you are close with, that is probably an implied notion anyway, but feel free to speak it aloud.
That takes me to another point, which is whether there are qualifications needed to provide advice to a friend or loved one. Do you need to be “right” in order to share what you think? Is there a right when it comes to certain matters or is it more often than not the right thing for that individual? What if we agree right here and right now that you don’t need to be an expert (there is a notable exception to this that bears mentioning, which are those dire struggles that might involve self-harm or harm to others) to lend an ear and speak a good word to a friend?
If we get to that point of agreement, is the rest gravy? You get to say whatever you are thinking and they can either accept or reject it and that’s that?! Well, not so much. I promised more, and you are about to get more. There is a huge point of consideration here that must not go unspoken, which is the motivation behind sharing your personal sentiments in such interactions. Like so many subtopics that exist in the realm of relationships, intention is everything. Also like so many relationship topics, getting to the root of your intent or goal can be incredibly difficult. Why? Well in our deepest heart center, most of us want to believe that we are doing things for the right reasons.
Well HOLY SHIT, that’s a GIANT statement.
What constitutes a “right” reason? Is something “right” simply because you deem it so? If you decide that you are giving your friend advice such that they can avoid heartache (much like I was with my friend), is that always justifiable? Of course, right? Well, I’m sorry to break your big ol’ hearts but the answer is no. A resounding, conclusive no. This is an incredibly challenging concept to swallow and I know that because I had to following the conversation with my friend.
Rather than using vague language, I am going to speak very directly to the interaction with my friend so you understand exactly what I mean. My friend was telling me about a relationship that she is embroiled in and yes, I am well aware of the descriptor I just used. Embroiled is not simply involved. It suggests being overwhelmed, overcome, and intertwined. It is also judge-y as fuck. Let’s just state that for the sake of honesty. It is. Anyway, she was sharing her thoughts on why this person was brought into her life and described some of their recent interactions. I barely let her get the texts out before I was shooting out missives. I was sharing profound thoughts on protecting herself and her heart. I was describing this other individual (the recipient of her precious and special heart) as undeserving and manipulative. I was warning and well, I was preaching.
Why? Well, I love her and I don’t want her to get hurt. I don’t know why she cannot see the person that I see. I don’t know why she doesn’t look in the mirror and see a woman deserving of goodness. Again, I’ve said it as recently as yesterday, I am not suggesting you need to take out a billboard professing your amazingness. I am merely suggesting that people who are awesome have a basic sense of it and the common sense to not allow assholes to dictate their self-worth. Seems pretty simple, no? I know. No. Obviously no, or I would have stopped blogging like a year ago.
So if I cannot meaningfully shift her sense of self-worth by sharing all of my thoughts and views, then what was my purpose? Was it just to shame her into doing something different? Would that ever work? Nah. And then she would probably just hide things from me in the future. But, if I allow her to share these things and don’t express how I feel, am I providing silent consent? No, not really. There is a way to share a general feeling without launching into an unwanted diatribe. I know what it looks like because I’ve often found myself craving it in conversations where I am on the other side of the fence.
Ready? It looks like this- “I am afraid that you are going to get hurt, but I trust that you will make the decisions that are right for you. Whatever decisions you make, even if I don’t agree with them, I will love you anyway.” Cool, cool. Sounds easy, right? No. We are all smart here. It is the fucking hardest thing to do, especially when you are a know-it-all like me. You aren’t “holding back” when you do that. You aren’t being untrue to your friend or yourself. You aren’t condoning self-harming or self-destructive behavior, you are simply giving that person space to make the decisions that they want to and have to make.
Here is the hard truth: everyone has to figure shit out for themselves. You can’t take a fall for someone. You can’t act as a bumper around their heart. You can’t prevent them from making what they might recognize later to be mistakes. Everyone has got to live their own life.
Now, if they ask, feel free to share your thoughts. Try and keep it brief and open-minded, but share. If a friend doesn’t ask, take a pause, and just tell them you will love them no matter what. It’s actually kind of freeing. I promise.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 