I had this thought pop into my head the other day. A question really and I want to explore it. Here goes: Do we have a right to shift someone else’s memories?
I guess the first important question is pondering what that means exactly. How does one shift someone else’s memories? Is that like gaslighting? I suppose it could be but that’s not what I’m talking about here. What I am talking about is the phenomenon whereas you share your recollection of a person/place/thing with someone who shares some component of that memory and that information causes the other person to question their recall of the same person/place/thing.
Before you think it, let me assure you that this is not always a deliberate act. It can be inadvertent as well. And no, I am not talking about the simple differences that can arise in the recounting or calling to mind of something or someone. I am talking about the persistent and unrelenting adherence to one view on something from the past.
You’ve been in the situation I am describing a time or two, I imagine. I’ve experienced this on many, many occasions; in its more innocent form and then, well, in a more harmful fashion when I was being subjected to gaslighting. In it’s more innocent form it looks like: “no, I don’t think she knew _____ back then” or “that outfit was always mine”. When wearing a more damaging façade, the attempt to memory shift looks like this: “you never said that” or “he was actually always really unkind.”
I suppose it is possible that you’ve never experienced the memory shift (on either side of that equation) but highly unlikely, so you get it. So I revert back to my original question of whether you are doing the right thing when you attempt to alter someone’s past or understanding or something in the past. Is this answer buried in the intentionality of it all? Unlike other concepts, not really. But it is meaningful to explore the ‘why.’
I think before I go on, I have to give you my opinion. I have to share with you whether I think it’s generally okay to do such a thing. Despite my misgivings and missteps, and at the risk of sounding hypocritical, no. I don’t think exerting influence on someone else’s memories is right or fair. There are actual several reasons why I feel that way but the most basic explanation is the same I’ve provided when delving into many topics on this blog. Provided they are not inflicting harm by doing so, I believe people deserve the right to be themselves. Live their lives in accordance with their thoughts, feelings, and belief systems. I mean sure, we have to follow the law (or at least some of us do) but within that parameter, I still stick to the ‘you do you’ philosophy.
Cool, what the fuck does that have to do with this topic? Well, your memories tend to be a meaningful part of who you are. Your YOU is a collection of thoughts, feelings, instincts, and memories. Memories shape you in a way little else does. Memories can be a safe harbor or can act as a warning. Your memories weave together to tell YOUR story. Your now is often made more relevant by delving into your memories.
If all of that is true, if you agree with me, then wouldn’t you also agree that moving around someone else’s memories is like attempting to retell their story or reshape who they are as a person?
Well fine, the devil’s advocate in me says that if someone has a strong enough inner voice and character, they won’t be swayed by any such attempt, whether intentional or not. And if not, then they need to work on that. But that’s not really true. For even the boldest, strongest human, memories are fragile things. Why? Because they are somewhat ethereal. While our memories can be juicy and hearty, they are intangible. Even the most colorful and robust memory is not something we can wrap our arms around. They lack the material substance of the ‘right now.’ No contemporaneous context. Simply a mental or spiritual journey through the mind to ‘remember’ a thing.
Also, we’ve learned through the constant challenging of memories that they are at least in part, unreliable. Even the most profound memories involving those who taught us, raised us, and hurt us, can be found to be inaccurate. And methinks you’ve had the experience before of facing your ‘incorrect’ memory, no? There can be a myriad of emotions experienced based on the nature of the memory. Maybe you are embarrassed or angry or sad. I can tell you that I usually feel frustrated and annoyed. The funny part is that those feelings are both directed internally (how could I forget ___________?!) and externally (did ______ have to tell me that?).
Are we sharing our correction of a memory because we can’t stand the idea of someone else having a different view or reminiscence? Or are we unwilling to part with our understanding and incapable of ‘agreeing to disagree’? Now that I’ve used that phrase, let’s talk about that for just a hot minute. Is it a disagreement when you have different views in a lookback? Isn’t it possible that two people can have two distinctly different and valid memories that just so happen to overlap?
I have a better question. Is there any harm in just letting someone have their memory? Sure there is. Sometimes memories can be used as weapons (like in disagreements) and allowing someone to hold steadfast to something ‘incorrect’ is akin to keeping them armed for an attack. But, sometimes they won’t be. Sometimes the perpetuation of an ‘incorrect’ memory truly harms no one and in fact, gives some measure of joy to their holder. You know what that looks like. _________ wasn’t really like that, but it makes her happy to remember _______ that way.
This is a meaty topic and there’s a lot to this. Why do I say that? Well, even the example I just gave could really go both ways. I have two close friends who seem to have very short memories when it comes to the men who enter their lives (either briefly or longer). I find myself starting sentences with ‘oh well didn’t __________ happen?’ or ‘wait didn’t he ___________ last time?’ It makes them TEMPORARILY happy to recall these men that way but ultimately, they are often hurt because they’ve set aside the reality of what happened to replace it with a ‘better’ reality.
Well fantastic, I’ve just talked in circles, eh? No, not really. I know it seems that way but it’s really not the case. Ultimately, I don’t think we have the right to shift other people’s memories. Those precious vaporous wells are for each person to shape and cultivate. However, you don’t have to lend support to the version of something that is entirely self-destructive. How do you actually assume that position? Well, you give someone enough space to remember things are they do or have to, while feeling free to utter the words ‘oh, that’s not exactly the way I remember it’. And P.S. you don’t have to share your version of events to discourage harmful memory making. Just smile and say ‘yeah, I don’t remember that like you do’. Trust me. It works every time.
I might be here tomorrow or maybe Sunday, but definitely Monday.
Talk to you soon
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 