Day 47.

I had a funny experience this morning. I was on social media and I saw a post or two that I found really offensive. I know, I know, how is that funny? Or maybe you were wondering how this is something that bears mentioning since it seems to be the norm today, no matter what side of the fence you fall on. Here’s the thing. I am not just talking about a post that contained an opinion that I didn’t agree with but rather a post that hit me like a gut punch when I read it. I am not going to get into who the poster was or what the content was, because that’s not really my point and quite frankly, it doesn’t really matter.

I hovered my finger over the ‘snooze’ option and paused. I am not referring to a little moment. I am talking a real serious pause. I had a million thoughts running through my head. Honestly, my first thought was I didn’t want to snooze this person, I wanted to unfriend them. My second thought was a feeling of guilt over the thought of unfriending this person. How fucked is that, no?

To be clear, there was not a singular part of me that anticipated FOMO. I didn’t think that this person was going to share something in the near future that I would miss out on and if I happened to find out about it, I would feel sad or disappointed to anything of the like. Nope. In fact, I knew that I rarely if ever liked this person’s posts and I felt pretty confident that I wasn’t going to love anything they posted at a future date. So why guilt? Why the hesitation?

Well, I was afraid that I was going against what I’ve so often shared as doctrine in the past. I was fearful that I was writing someone off or removing them from my line of sight simply because we have differing perspectives or points of view or even values. I really didn’t want to be that person, don’t want to be that person. Not because I don’t want to admit that I am or was wrong and not because I don’t want to appear hypocritical. I think we’ve already seen that I am willing and able to change my mind or shift my stance on something. More so because I felt like that one core value I held was a big part of who I am as a person. I let people be them. I don’t judge them for having different views or wanting different things. Remember, ‘you do you’? That is MAJOR for me.

Then I realized something amazing or perhaps I should say that I remembered something amazing. ‘You do you’ is only good so far as it’s not hurting other people and it’s not causing me pain or distress. What this person posted was truly offensive (remember I used that word?). I don’t mean it tickled my liberal sensibilities. I meant it was ugly. It was nasty. It advocated for harm caused to a group of people. I knew that nothing I could say would shift this person’s paradigm or thought process. For some reason, perhaps because of how they were raised or experiences they had in their life thus far, they came to a certain conclusion and they felt compelled to share such on social media. Okay, so if I truly abide by the ‘you do you’ axiom, couldn’t I have just snoozed this person and allowed them to freely share with whomever wanted to partake? Couldn’t I just remove myself from the situation? Well, I thought to myself that if I’m still friends with this person and I know what they are sharing and I refuse to speak against it (boy, would that get ugly), isn’t there some part of me that is silently condoning their behavior and thoughts? At what point in an interaction, does such silence become complicity?

Was I afraid what the rest of the world would think of me? Is that why I wanted to extricate myself from this association? Nope. Not even a little. I was actually more afraid of how I would see myself. This person has never really been a friend. I attended a school with them at some point in my life. They weren’t even particularly nice to me at that school, but when they requested me on social media it was years later, and so I saw the request as fairly benign. I didn’t think that we were suddenly friends or even acquaintances. I felt like we were connected on social media and thus, willing to share snippets of our lives with each other. But was I? Did I want to do that? Did I want to be a person who was the recipient of her sharing? Not really. And yet, there was some permanence to my decision. Sure, I knew I could request her again if I really desired to do so at some point in the future, but I knew I wouldn’t. I knew that once I made that decision and crossed that bridge, that was it. I had taken a stance. Even if that stance was just in my head and within the confines of my awareness, it was so much bigger than this one woman. I would be deciding to move forward, rather dynamically, in separating from certain people.

I would be radically enforcing the exception to the ‘you do you’ rule. Would that then spiral out of control? Would I make exceptions up and down, and left and right? Would I be able to stop myself from shutting off those individuals who I found displeasing or disturbing? Yes. I would. I will. Because I know that I am not turning away from this person simply because we stand at opposite ends of the fence. I am walking away from this person because I know they are the kind of person who would stand on the other side of the fence and throw rocks over. I know that they are the kind of person who wishes harm on those who don’t subscribe to their line of thinking. And yes, I decided to draw a hard line in the sand.

This sounds easy, but it was anything but that. First I felt weak and then I felt incredibly resolute and strong.

So I challenge you to ask yourself who you surround yourself with (home, work, social media) and whether you keep that circle as it is because it enriches you and challenges you (even because it’s a different perspective) or because you are too damn afraid to stand up and say ‘nah, too much’. We are a number driven society. More friends, more likes, more comments. I decided today that I didn’t need more. I value substance more than figures. You don’t have to. You have to figure out what works FOR YOU and do that. I am merely encouraging you to not be afraid to ask yourself the question and make your decisions after you’ve answered.

I have one less connection on social media. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have ten less. But I have my integrity and I have my love and I have my open mind, so I’m good.

Always your friend on the web. Talk to you tomorrow.

L.