I was scrolling through social media the other night before bed and I stumbled upon a post that posed the following: if you could release yourself from anything right now, what would it be? At the time the question didn’t resonate much with me. Don’t get me wrong, as there were a thousand responses that flooded into my head. I suppose I just didn’t strongly identify with any of them. That changed real fast.
This post is not being shared with the intention of eliciting anger or pity. This post was crafted with the same intention as nearly everything you’ll find on my blog, which is to share my feelings just in case you are feeling them too or if you aren’t, to give you a different perspective. Maybe you read my words and realize that you aren’t directly feeling what I am describing but perhaps you know someone who might be. Maybe I am not appealing to anything that exists within you and you don’t know anyone dealing with what I am addressing, but this post simply gives you food for thought. That’s not so bad, right?
My firm laid-off and furloughed 30+ people between Friday of last week and this Monday. It is with humble gratitude that I share that I was not one of those people. Friends of mine were included in that group, but I, was not.
Yesterday I was on a group call with two of my dear friends who were included in this group. They were furloughed. The purpose of the call was for them to tell me exactly how it all went down and to inquire as to how things were relayed on my end of the world. All things considered, the call was sort of light-hearted. There was a lot more levity and were a lot more jokes than I might have anticipated before the call occurred. And then we were wrapping up the call and suddenly I was crying. I was embarrassed to be crying just as I am mildly humiliated sharing that fact now, but it happened. Through sobs I reassured these two lovely women that they were my real friends, not just work acquaintances and reiterated just how much they mean to me. I didn’t bother giving them some bullshit line about everything being okay, because it wasn’t, but I did share how wonderful I think they both are and I offered to be a professional reference should a need arise. We signed off with a promise to connect over Zoom or Houseparty later that week.
I was trying to figure out exactly why I systematically unraveled on the call and then it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I had, I HAVE some version of survivor’s guilt. I feel terrible for them that they now find themselves unemployed and I am also feeling super-duper shitty that I made it through. Of course, there is no permanence to that situation and I could be subject to the same fate at any time, but for now, I’m good. And they aren’t. And I feel like a right piece of shit. I feel badly that I am relieved. I feel irritable and I had trouble sleeping last night. I keep wondering if I could have been more impactful in the decision to furlough both of them in my project lead role. I keep thinking that maybe I should have been more vocal about the work they were doing to assist me. I’ve thought that perhaps I should have proactively suggested that their roles be modified for the time being to better or best serve our firm. I am trained in resource allocation, so why didn’t I read the writing on the wall and do MORE? Why didn’t I do BETTER?
I felt overwhelmed by everything I was feeling so I decided to break it down.
As much as it sucks, I am ultimately not responsible for what happened. Even if these women had reported to me, which they didn’t, I don’t know if I would have had the ability to save their jobs. I wanted to but I couldn’t have.
I told myself that I am a pro at handling change and loss. I’ve been down that road before and I’ve come out the other side.
These women who I absolutely love shared with me that they were glad I kept my job. That alone is motivation to pull my head out of my ass and get it together. I am grateful that I am still employed so that I can take care of myself and maybe even do little things to help those who are not so lucky.
This was not a situation whereas I was lucky and they weren’t by virtue of the fact that I was. As much as we want to believe that sometimes, that is not the way this all works. They didn’t deserve to be furloughed but that decision had nothing to do with the decision my firm made to keep me employed. This is not a game whereas each side is allocated just enough points to keep the field level. This is just life and it sucks sometimes. My luck or good fortune has nothing to do with what happened to other people.
Rather than feeling badly and allowing myself to wallow, I can pick myself up and feel really thankful for my situation. I can embrace how fortunate I am and make the best of what I’ve been given. If I keep my job but then spend my time bitter and distracted, I’m almost making a mockery of my employment. I’m doing a disservice to those who were furloughed and laid off but feel like I deserved to keep my job.
There’s a bigger theme here too. It is more important than ever that we take care of ourselves. This is not a situation where we sideline emotions that come at us because of the bigger picture. This is where we MUST handle our shit BECAUSE of the bigger picture. We cannot afford to let things build up. The accumulation of negativity and sadness can be wholly detrimental to our ability to survive and well, thrive.
I am sad and scared for my friends. I feel badly that they were let go and have to deal with every bit of scary headache that comes with such a situation. I will miss working with them and I am scared of the challenges presented with keeping in touch when you don’t see someone all the time. But here’s what I also know. I know that I am lucky to have a job right now. I know that I am going to continue to work my ass off to prove myself worthy. I know that I am going to continue to do the work to maintain the wonderful friendships I’ve cultivated with these women. I know that they will find their way, even if it takes time. I know that I will unfailingly support them in that journey in the best way that I can.
There is so much shit happening right now. Unpack one thing at a time, but for god’s sake, don’t let things gather. We don’t hoard emotional shit on the path to worthy. We deal. We fucking deal.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 