I know I was absent yesterday. I know I finished my post from the day before with a promise to return yesterday and yet, I was missing in action. I just couldn’t make the time to write yesterday. That’s the truth. It was not the first time this occurred during this crisis, but I felt like my brain was melty. Strange descriptor, I’m aware, but it’s the truth. I was exhausted in a way that’s hard to describe.
I’m sure many of you know what I’m talking about. Employment issues, illness, and time management struggles are just the beginning. There is just a staggering amount of stress everywhere. I employ every method I’ve shared on this blog to manage my stress. I write, I create, I run, I talk to friends, I vent to family. And yet, there are days when it all just feels like too much. Yesterday was one of those days for me.
I can’t really point to one particular thing that set yesterday apart from any other day, but I can tell you about factors that pushed things in the crap direction. I don’t want to get into great specifics because I don’t think the details of what I’m about to describe matter much. I think the impact is understood in the general description of the thing.
I have always tried to be a good listener. To that end, I’ve shared growth in my listening skills with all of you over the last year or so. I’ve told you that I’m trying to separate myself from the decisions other people make and that I’m trying to get better at keeping my opinions to myself when they have not been directly solicited. I’ve tried to move towards a place of less judgment when it comes to what other people say and do. I’ve tried to really listen more and say less. This is no easy feat for someone as verbose as me, and yet, the effort is there. I’ve tried. I’m trying.
What happens when you are trying to be a good friend and just listen and it suddenly feels like you are a dumping ground? What happens when it becomes apparent that the person who is venting to you doesn’t really give a shit about you or your feelings at all? What happens when you start to feel somewhat manipulated or used? I felt all of these things. In one day. I felt like I was being used as a sounding board to reinforce feelings and actions that I did not agree with or made me uncomfortable. I felt like I was a mechanism by which someone was checking a box or making themselves feel like a good friend for checking in. In fact, when I didn’t respond as this one person intended me to (who knew that there were rules for such a thing?!), I was criticized and shut down. How dare I not allow them to be a good friend in the way they needed to be? I felt like I was a punching bag because it is known that my tolerance and love are higher than most. I am often endlessly patient when it comes to my friends. I felt even more than I have the ability to describe here, but I think you get the point.
You know what I didn’t feel? Loved. Cared about. Looked after. Considered. I felt none of those things. It was frustrating because I wanted to feel those things and then I was also upset with myself for wanting to feel those things. I wanted to be okay with just doing it all on my own. Making myself feel that way. I wanted to be okay being whatever each of these people needed in the moment they needed it, without my own shit getting in the way. But I wasn’t. At all. And then, all of these people came back to see if I was upset with them or to ask what my problem was or to judge my reaction. They were calling me out. They were wiping their shit on me and telling me I stunk. Sorry if that imagery is offensive to you, but it is exactly how I felt and this is too important to mince words.
This is what I learned, after I cried. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be a good friend no matter what. I don’t want to pretend that I am okay with everything and nothing bothers me. Why? Because that is a giant load of garbage. It’s a lie. And I don’t lie. I’m a truth teller. I’ve spent plenty of time in my life being dishonest about how I felt to try and preserve relationships that I had and after I was leveled and managed to crawl out (damaged but having grown and learned something), I decided: Never. Again. It might take me time to understand what my truth is from time to time. I have zero shame in telling you that sometimes it’s hard for me to differentiate between who I want to be and who I am. But now I do the work to figure that out. Always. Every damn time.
I am not claiming that I am always right or always easy or always anything. I am human. I fail. I fail people in my life and I fail myself, but I try really fucking hard to get it right. And I want to share my orbit with people that do the same. The whole “I just can’t fix _____” or “I’ve tried _____ before and it doesn’t work” or “this is just who I am” bullshit just falls flat with me when it comes to me feeling abused. I am 100% always on board to listen to my friends talk about what’s disturbing them. I will every single day get on the phone and listen to someone wax imperfectly about their family and friend drama, body image issues, or financial struggles. I will hear tales of relationship problems any time of the day and not bat a singular mascara-covered eyelash. But. But, there is a line. There is a line that exists, fine as it may be, between being a friend and being something else entirely. That other thing? I’m done with that shit. I’m done being someone’s box that they check or tool that they wield. That makes me feel really bad and with all the other shit I’m juggling, one more ball is going to toss the whole lot to the ground. I’m just not willing to do that. No way, no how.
Cool, so what does this have to do with you?
Well, if you are like me, I’m giving you permission to free yourself. You are not a bad person for saying ‘no thanks’ once in a while. You are not an awful human for taking a moment. You are not a better friend because you let your supposed friend do whatever they want, whenever they want. You don’t have to judge someone to take a step back, for one minute or one day or forever. At all.
If you are someone who has taken a dump on someone lately, maybe check yourself. I lose my stuffing sometimes. You know what I do after? I call or text that person and I say I’m sorry and then I thank them. Not because it feeds my ego, but because I damn well mean it. I’m sorry for being a shit. Thank YOU for listening. Thank you for letting me unload. Thanks for letting me say irrational things. Thank you for checking me before I wreck me. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for loving me in spite of me. Thank you for loving me anyway. Always love, no matter what.
And yes, I am taking the weekend off. I’m going to celebrate the shit out of my mom because she is one of the coolest women I know. We are going to talk to some other super cool women we know. We are going to eat good food. We are going to avoid talking about work (if at all possible), viruses (is that even possible?), and anything else that makes us feel sad and grumpy.
To all the mamas out there (by birth or otherwise), have a really kick-ass day. For all the people who are loving up their mamas this weekend, enjoy yourself. If you are missing your mama, I am so sorry. To everyone else, sending you some love on this gloomy Friday from New York. Can’t wait to talk to you Monday, feeling super duper refreshed.
Have an amazing coupla days.
Talk soon,
L.
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