Today is day 55. That is going to be the title of this post because that is the title of each post I’ve written since I entered this strange world we are living in right now. I mean I guess the world is always strange, but when the crisis began to impact me directly, I started writing nearly every day and I decided to label these posts differently than my others. No title, no indication of what the post is about, just the number of the day.
My ex used to be obsessed with the number 5. He probably still is if I had to guess. I don’t give a shit about him anymore on any level (true story). I don’t wonder about him or worry about him. If there was any truer evidence of that fact, I’ve not once considered his well-being during this insanity. That’s not to say I wish him ill. I wouldn’t waste my thoughts or feelings on such things, plus I don’t really believe in inviting that kind of karma into my life. That’s to say that I am in neutral mode so it doesn’t matter at all.
And yet. And YET. When I see two fives together, it gives me a shiver down my spine. Or did, at least. Not a warm and fuzzy feeling. There is no rush of pleasant memories. Just a freezing cold jolt and a quick moment of nausea. I hate this but it feels involuntary. I didn’t do anything to jog a memory or bring him to mind. Nothing in my environment or life would evoke thoughts of him. He’s been purged from everything from my social media to my memory box. No photos, no notes, no keepsakes. I even got rid of clothing I had purchased when we were together. Think total exorcism. Just like that. Sure, I have maintained relationships with some friends we once shared, but I’ve grown those friendships into something that is quite stand alone. Nothing about those people creates linkage to the man I once knew and shared my life with at one point.
The yucky moment is fleeting and nothing about it stays with me. I don’t feel gloomy or grumpy or sad. So why am I even addressing it? And is this the same topic as when I spoke about associations? Well, yes. But also, no. Or maybe that’s more like YAY, no. If you are new to this blog, I’ll explain, and if you are a regular, I imagine you need a refresh. We are in the middle of a pandemic so I doubt my past posts are at the forefront of your consciousness. Once upon a time, I wrote about how things in your environment (people, places and things) can trigger memories of a relationship lost or even force a sort of standstill in your healing process. I advised that so far as I was concerned, these “things” should be avoided so long as its helpful, but at some point, the fear of such had to be overcome, the emotional association severed, and freedom achieved. This is a VERY short synopsis of what has to happen. Obviously, the process by which this is accomplished is slightly different for everyone, but is arduous and trying. There are no short-cuts and more often than not, there’s a ‘two steps forward, three steps back’ type of situation. Progress is made and then unraveling occurs. Eventually, with persistence and determination, the cutting of the cord occurs. You can talk to people, visit places, and eat food without having your mind drift to that person.
Okay, so we’ve addressed this already. What else is left? Well, what happens when you have an experience like I had today, over this blog title needs to be addressed. What if you’ve done the work, purged, flown the coop, and then you suddenly find yourself knocked on your ass by one of these moments I’ve described? Three things need to happen. Almost simultaneously and (for once I’m being a bit demanding rather than a soft sell…) in the order I present them in.
- You need to forgive yourself. Instantly. I don’t want to think about you uttering ‘I’m so dumb’ or anything of the sort. Shit happens. Always. In many situations. Moving on…
- Do a quick dive to see if there is something about the association that is actually a trigger for you. Ask yourself if this is just a latent memory situation or something deeper. I will describe how I personally do this, so don’t you worry your pretty little head. And last but not least…
- Move through it. Move on. Don’t dwell. Don’t allow a mood shift to settle in. No dark clouds permitted. Just one and done. Learn and live. Live and learn.
Okay, let’s start with forgiving ourselves. I talk about this all the time but since we are such self-loathing creatures, it needs to be said. You are lovely. Even if you are a wretched shit sometimes, I bet you have lovely qualities. So what…you thought of your ex. You thought of your ex long after they shared your life. You aren’t pathetic. You aren’t a loser. You are human. That’s right. HUMAN. Our brains are magical. Magically delicious and magically devious. You just never know when the synapses are going to connect and BAM! It’s cool. Don’t sweat it. PLEASE. There is no inner dialogue needed here. Just a little examination to make sure you are okay and then you get to dust yourself off and move forward. Save stress for the stuff that warrants it, like….a worldwide crisis.
How do you figure out if there is something more intense happening underneath the surface? Well, ask yourself what about the thought or sentiment bothered you. When I asked myself that, I realized that my ex had all these quirks or things that he was “permitted” to have but I was not extended the same luxury. I’ve been grappling with double standards in my friendships and relationships lately. Well, it’s been something that has been bothering me but I haven’t really done much about it. So of course my brain found a way to scream it right into my sphere of attention. Wake the fuck up L! Deal with your shit! It won’t go away!!! I don’t have any feelings about or for my ex. No positive, no negative. Nada. I DO have feelings about raging double standards in my relationships. Do you see what I mean? If you can’t get to the heart of the matter just by asking the question, then I suggest writing about it a little. You don’t have to write a blog post or a novel (but if you want to, please do). You just have to jot down how you felt, how you feel, and what bothers you about the person/place/thing. Don’t be surprised if it’s something unresolved from that relationship or something you are currently avoiding. THE BRAIN IS MAGIC PEOPLE. I swear. That is just a fact. Of course, now that I know what I know, I have to deal with it.
That leads me to the moving through it part. You can’t move through it unless you deal with it. You have to own it and decide what course of action you are going to take. By the way, that action can absolutely be inaction. Maybe, and I’m not committing to this AT ALL, but using it as an example only, I want to put off addressing the double standards in my relationships because I have too much else on my plate right now. I’m not putting it off forever, but I am prioritizing. Maybe I decide I can live with the double standard with certain people. Maybe I decide I can’t live with it at all and make an agreement with myself about how I’m going to attack the situation. Once I have a game plan, I also have a way out.
Once I deal with my shit, I’ll be an equal opportunist when it comes to numerals. Those silly lil numbers never did anything to me…surely they don’t deserve to be punished. Direct your feelings where they belong or be prepared to be ruled by them, at all times, outside of any control.
You got this.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 