Merriam-Webster defines self-directed as follows: “directed for or by oneself.” That is a pretty concise definition and rather neutral, all things considered. Which makes sense as definitions should literally be an explanation of what something means and not a commentary on whether that ‘thing’ is inherently negative or positive. A fine point but seemingly something that’s been lost in our world today, so worth a mention.
Anyway, where I’m concerned, that phrase typically conjures up less positive thoughts. That in itself is a bit bizarre because I’m pretty self-directed in that I live alone and take care of myself. I also function fairly autonomously at work. My ability to self-direct helps me find meaning and thrive. So why the frowny face? Well, I suppose my negative feelings are attributed to my interaction with certain folks who are self-directed in a way that is harmful to themselves and sometimes to those around them.
What does that mean? Well, allow me to expand my thinking for you.
Often times when one is self-directed (I can speak for myself here), there are certain goals that they want to achieve. They have an end-game in mind. They act and engage in an attempt to conquer those pre-determined objectives. Sounds good so far, right? I think that is literally the definition of a successful person; one who projects, plans, and achieves. But, what happens when that goal or objective is a singular point of focus where everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING ELSE fades from view? What if that thing, whatever it may be, becomes so important that true perspective is lost?
Well, I think that kind of single-mindedness can be really dangerous. Having goals is fantastic and really important in living successfully (bit and small). I think they keep us going, particularly during times like this. However, when goals become an obsession of sorts and everything else begins to blur, they can lead to self-harm and/or collateral damage done to those around us.
There are so many examples of this but I am going to rattle off just a few to give you all an understanding of my thinking. There are people who are so intent on reaching a certain goal weight that they forget overall physical health, alienate the people they share their lives with [by obsessing over diet or exercise], and even stop enjoying socialization. There are folks who are so intent on finding a significant other that they pursue interaction with people who are game-players or generally unkind, make themselves unnecessarily vulnerable, and lose appreciation for what and who they have in their lives due to a feeling of ‘not enough’. And, in keeping things real right now, there are people who are so craving a return to normalcy (who isn’t?!) that they make reckless decisions, without regard for their own personal health and safety and that of their loved ones.
So, how do we stay motivated and driven without going to the dark side?
Well, to start you need to check your goals against reality.
If you are 40 years old, it probably doesn’t make sense to set your goal weight at what you weighed when you were 18 or well, a number you’ve never achieved. Can we achieve greater health at different points in life? Yes. Is age just a number? Hell to the yes. Should we set goals that are self-defeating? No. Should we disregard real facts of aging? Nope.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone. Is another human your savior? Nah. Should you feel diminished because you don’t have someone? God, no. Should you take breaks from the “search” for love? Yes, please. Should you allow a potential suitor to behave or treat you differently than anyone else in your life? You better not.
And last, but not least (in the world of my examples)….we ALL want to return back to “normal”. Whether you are excited or scared, whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, whether your life is radically different or virtually unchanged, you likely want to move away from thoughts and talk of COVID-19. We want to see something different on the news. We want to keep our normal uncertainty and do away with THIS uncertainty. Does that mean we should disregard the sound and solid advice of medical and scientific professionals? Come on, you know the answer to that one. Should we pretend that we are somehow exempt from the rules? Probably not the best idea. Should we deal with things as they really are, no matter how unpleasant? Yes, that is the best course of action.
Nothing I am suggesting is easy, particularly when you have your mind set on something. I am not in ANY WAY trying to say that it’s as simple as putting your thoughts and feelings elsewhere. Trust me, no judgment here. I know exactly what it’s like to set my sights on something only to find myself needing to pull way back. It’s awful. There, I said it. It is. It is an emotional withdrawal of sorts and it feels like shit. In fact, because of that icky feeling, people usually give it a shot and then forgo efforts to check themselves. It seems so much easier to just give into the obsessing.
Why? Typically because pulling back from singular-minded obsession requires dedication to finding a middle-ground. Okay, so what? Well middle-ground or a compromise can feel like failure or quite frankly, can just bring about feelings of unease. The uneasy feelings emerge because there can be a bit of uncertainty in the middle. Setting a definitive goal, even if it is self-destructive or unrealistic, is a REAL endpoint. A certain number of pounds, the establishment of a romantic relationship, and the return to regular everyday shit feels concrete. But what if we say we want to be healthy? What does that look like? What if we say we want to be fulfilled? How is that defined? What if we say we want to be safe and smart? Can we qualify those points? Sure. Yes to all. BUT, work is needed. Hard work. Soul dredging kinda work. The work that makes you sweat and sometimes makes you cry.
Here is the thing, and I want you to burn this to you brain: You are not failing when you change your goals to accommodate your reality. You are winning. You are a winner. Not a participation trophy kinda win. A fucking first place kind of win.
Self-direct. Go for it, but check yourself to make sure you haven’t lost sight of the horizon. If you have, get yourself back there. If you don’t, it’s going to be a bumpy ride and you might lose some good stuff and people along the way.
Talk to you tomorrow,
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 