Days 57-59.

I can be easy to manipulate. There, I said it. It’s the truth. It’s strange to admit that because so much of my personality and my journey would provide evidence to the contrary. And yet, it happens. More often than I would like, too.

I know that one of the reasons I attract the manipulation is because I am empathetic by nature. I wear my sensitivity like a heavy cloak. A blessing and a burden. Here’s the first thing you should know: I don’t want to change that. Here’s the second bit: I am okay with people trying to manipulate me if that action, that ploy to control, gives them some relief. Here’s the last bit: I am NOT okay with allowing the manipulation to work its dark magic.

I know, I know…what in the actual fuck?

How do you allow yourself to be manipulated while also not being manipulated? That feels silly and well, kind of dangerous. It isn’t, not when you can identify what is going on and who is involved.

Maybe you are asking yourself (or screaming at the screen): aren’t all manipulative people evil? Why waste a minute on helping them? Why not run in the other direction as fast as humanly possible? Well to answer the first question: no, they aren’t. Definitely not. Some folks aren’t even aware they are trying to manipulate. Sometimes they are feeling shitty about themselves or their life and they are looking for any solution that makes them feel better.

Cool, cool. Isn’t feeling better at someone else’s expense the very definition of evil? Well, sometimes, yes. But remember that these people that I am speaking of…they are often disconnected from typical cause and effect. They aren’t considering the ripple effect or impact of their words or actions, at all. They are feeling the itch of unhappiness or stress and they are looking for a quick way to unburden. I might still be on the other side of the fence from you, so I am going to try and bring it home now.

I get hangry. I do. When I am hungry and have no ability to eat for any variety of reasons, I get wretchedly grumpy. So much so that it has become a joke in my family. My blood sugar dropping causes me to be irritable and sassy. Common sense would tell me that I should just eat and I’ll feel better. But, reasonableness seems to fly straight out the window in these situations. I am NOT a mean person and yet, I lash out when I’m like this. I’m a dick and even though I know my terrible behavior is not going to do what a proper meal can do, I feel like I can’t help myself. I unravel. I’m a tiny village stomping monster. I destroy. I annihilate with sarcasm and an unwavering dedication to discomfort. Crazy, right? Well, I’m working on trying to get a handle on it but still, it happens from time to time. The L Monster emerges and I am a right bitch to anyone who gets in my way. If you asked me right now if I would want to hurt or annoy anyone around me (with few exceptions), I would laugh and say absolutely not. And yet, in those instances, I seem determined to fill the food void with something else. Something harmful, illogical, and contrary to who I am generally as a human.

Do you get it now? Not everyone is deliberately scheming to take you down. Sometimes they are climbing out and they will grab onto anything that resembles a hand or foot-hold, even if that thing happens to be your head or heart.

Right, but even if they are good people, doesn’t allowing them to attempt manipulation just encourage that behavior? Well, yeah. It kind of does, but here’s what I’ve learned: if someone is really deep in it and acting this way, there is little that you can teach them. They are likely incredibly dug in. Your complete resistance to their behavior will likely encourage it instead of having the effect you’d wish to. You will not embarrass them or encourage a reluctance to act in such a fashion. You will likely just stir up further negativity which will escalate the behavior. Perhaps I’ve lost you again. Let’s imagine that someone is saying something to me with the desire to trigger a particular reaction or elicit a certain response, or maybe just any response at all. For argument’s sake, let’s agree that the person is not conscious of how shitty this is, but is just feeling terrible all around and wants to do something, anything to feel better. I make an attempt to either draw their attention to their insensitive and insane behavior OR I simply push back. Rather than pulling back, they double down. They might feel sheepish or self-conscious (aka more shitty feelings) and so they decide that they are in it to win it. Ain’t nobody stopping them now. They’ve started this race to shitville and they are going to finish it strong, come hell or high water. You get it now? It’s not sound so get your 2+2= 4 the fuck out of this discussion. It’s the purest form of human emotion. Suffering.

We have to discuss the exceptions to ALL the words above, or I should say exception. Or perhaps I should say exceptionally horrible people. Yeah, that’s it. There are not so nice people. You know them. At least one. If they are being manipulative, don’t grant them any leeway. Their existence amongst us is leeway enough. If they are attempting to fuck with your head….BYEEE. I mean really. Don’t bother. Yeah, that’s nearly the only exception we have to discuss. You’ll find others. Dig deep. Just don’t make exceptions because it’s easier. That’s not what we do on the path. We don’t choose anything because it’s easy. We choose it because it keeps us on the path or returns us back to it or reminds us of it. Right? Good.

So, how on earth do you resist manipulation while allowing someone to unburden themselves? The same way that you might react in other situations we’ve previously discussed. Disconnect. Don’t take the bait. Take deep breaths. Be compassionate. Be strong. Don’t argue. Don’t be combative. Don’t criticize. Be kind. When face to face with their dysfunction, be very, very kind.

I had someone tell me something today (I know, incredibly specific, right?) and I instantly identified it as an attempt to manipulate. I don’t want to get into the weeds to protect the identity of this individual because I care for them. It doesn’t matter. I picked up on it immediately. I was upset but did an about face as quick as I possibly could. I focused on what this person needed in that moment. They wanted me to freak the fuck out. They needed me to tell them that they could do whatever they wanted and my advice/directive to the contrary (issued previously) was shared in the spirit of love and friendship. There were other issues at play, but that should be enough information to read you in to my thought process. I didn’t get triggered at all. I told myself that it wasn’t about me because it wasn’t. I told myself that they needed this moment and I had nothing to prove. I don’t think they felt any better after our interaction but I also don’t think they felt worse.

Wait, am I telling you to allow yourself to be crapped on by other people? No. I’m telling you that when you get to a certain part of your evolution, you can let other people have their moments without jumping into them.

If you are feeling fragile or you are in the process of healing from ANYTHING, do not attempt this exercise. Actually, you might find yourself strung along by someone if you are more vulnerable for any reason right now. As soon as you can identify it, cut ties. If you can’t figure it out while you are in it, then make it a point to keep some emotional distance after. Hurt people hurt people, and if you are a person who is hurting…double whammy.

Anyway, this whole thing is not easy. I mean really. It is NOT easy. It’s hard but like all challenges in life, it’s worth it once you master it. You get to give people who you care about (in any form) room to work through their shit WITHOUT taking you down in the process. Just remember, if you are struggling with anything, you are more likely to become collateral damage. Be honest with yourself. You have nothing to prove.

Speaking of honest, I’m tired. I am mentally tired and well, a little physically tired as well. Writing for this blog gives me LIFE but I’m forcing a disconnect. Self-care my people. I’m going to take a ride out East. I’m going to get some sunshine. I’m going to take a bath. I’m going to read a few short stories. I’m going to attempt a recharge. I cannot wait to imagine all your sunny faces in front of me again on Monday.

You take care of you.

Talk to you soon,

L.