Day 61.

This morning when I was out for my jog I was stuck at a red light on one of the main roads I cross over. I glanced across the street and saw a woman waiting on the other side to cross. Thankfully I don’t panic anymore when I see this (yes, panic). I just pull my mask over my face and track visually where I can run to be a safe distance away from that person.

I want to quickly, and I mean quickly, talk about the panic bit. I am not an overly anxious person by nature. I have my issues and fears and worries like anyone else, but out of my 99 problems, freaking the f out is not one of them. I have felt myself erring on the side of a little more anxious lately. Not because of the virus specifically, but because of the unrest that seems evident everywhere in our society. I do not want to delve into the black hole that is that issue right now, but people concern me a little more than they used to. I don’t think I was ever hopelessly naïve either, or at least not as an adult. I think I just extended folks the benefit of the doubt more often than I might right this moment. I don’t particularly care (though I sort of, kind of do) that people are making the choice to move away from the recommended protocol. I DO care that some of those folks are choosing to violently protest those recommendations, even disrespecting other people’s choices (i.e. getting all up in the grill of someone who chooses to wear protective gear). Anyway, I digress, a little. I just do not think you really know people anymore or maybe you never did and this crisis is shining a bring light and thus, I feel a little more worried about the general population than I have historically. I think that’s an important side-note.

Anyway, let’s go back to my thrilling story. I was looking across the street, formulating my game plan, and waiting for the light to change. This young woman, carrying her phone and a coffee she had just picked up from Dunkin, proceeded to WALK ACROSS THE STREET AGAINST THE TRAFFIC LIGHT! I don’t think I need to make that simpler or break it down because I used caps for a reason. She did have a mouth covering on which was great and all, but she was literally crossing the road whilst staring at her phone screen. I yelled and pointed. I completely stepped out of my little ‘fraidy cat shell and raised my volume about four notches.  I wanted to bring her attention to the light and the cars just waiting to speed through the intersection. I didn’t want to freeze her in her tracks or incite a more damaging reaction, but I desperately wanted her to plug the fuck in to her surroundings.

She did. She looked up, wide eyed, and hustled across the street. She passed by me, at a six-ish foot distance away, uttered not a singular word, and kept on keeping on with her telephone and coffee in hand and her attention anywhere but the road in front of her.

This is obviously not the first time I have seen such a thing. Not by a long shot. I think it felt more profound to me because it seems so bizarre to me that someone would make the same choice to disconnect from his or her surroundings right now. I do not stare at my phone when walking or running. I do not look at my phone while crossing the street. This is not because I think I am better than anyone else is, but because I am terrified that I will trip, fall, wipe-out, or generally cause myself bodily harm. On top of those more regular worries, I am now fearful that I will run into another human. I am concerned that they will not be wearing a mask or that they might even be one of those folks who takes issue with people wearing a mask. Whatever, those are my issues, right?

My real point (I know, it takes a hot minute to get there) is that I am astounded how little of an impact this whole thing has had on people. That is a gross and huge generalization I realize, but I will explain. I’ve spoken of it before, but obviously there are families that have lost family members, friends who have lost friends, co-workers who have lost colleagues, people who have been and are sick, unemployed folks, folks struggling financially, traumatized, overworked and exhausted health care workers, and that’s just naming a few. People have been grievously harmed and impacted by COVID-19. Yet, there are so many who have not translated those tragedies to something more profound. They have not reflected on how our struggles as a society and as individuals could be used to make changes in our lifestyles or engagement with one another.

My mother and I speak with this lovely group of eight graders once a week via Zoom. When prompted, they shared with us that if they had known this was going to happen (crisis, lock-down, school cancelled, etc.), they would have done things differently. They would have looked at their phones less and looked at each other more. They would have hugged each other more and expressed how much they cared for each other. They would have told teachers how much they have valued their guidance and kindness over the years. I loved hearing this wise self-reflection from such young voices. I did challenge them though. I asked them how long they thought they would carry these realizations with them. I asked them how long it would take to return back to their old ways, forgetting that this ever happened. They were so damn honest. It was life affirming. You know what they said? We don’t know. We hope we remember. We hope we appreciate. However, we just do not know. Is it possible to keep with you the feelings of appreciation that occur in the absence of something? Is it possible to change your behavior when things are good in the same way that you alter your behavior when things are not so hot?

I loved their exploration. I loved their candor. I loved that they took something traumatic and awful and turned it into a lesson on how to be a better human. We could learn from these young women. We could learn so much. We should not be crossing streets with our heads buried in our phones. Not just because there is the whole ‘getting hit by a car’ business to consider. We should not do it because it is wholly representative of how disconnected from the larger world we are at any given moment. We should pick our heads up and look around. We should greet each other. We should be mindful of personal space. We should appreciate each other just a little bit more, or a lot.

I do not think less of the woman who crossed the street with her phone because I’ve been guilty of disconnection in different ways. I want more for her and I want more for myself.

When those young women looked up at me and asked me how they could keep this with them, I responded as simply as I could. They are bright as all hell, but I wanted me message to be clear and straightforward. No bullshit. I told them that like everything else in life, it is going to take work. You have to make a decision to live your life differently and hold that sentiment close to your heart, no matter how the world changes around you. It is not an easy feat but it is possible. It is always possible. Moreover, the hope, the hope that you can retain that gratitude…sometimes that in itself is enough.

Look around today. Pay attention to what’s around you. Notice what you haven’t seen before.

Talk to you tomorrow.

L.