Day 62.

I was talking to a friend last night and an interesting comment was made during the course of our conversation that got me thinking. Not a novel concept I know, as I am usually thinking or talking, but still.

I don’t think that it was the specific comment itself or more so the underlying implications of the comment that triggered the exploration into the deepest recesses of my brain. Keeping the description as basic as possible, my friend suggested that our feelings about humans are usually colored by context.

Assuming the validity of that sentiment, our feelings towards other humans will fluctuate over time as our life changes. The more people we meet, experiences we have, and time that passes, the more our feelings ebb and flow.

I want to claim that there is no way that this is true, but I think we all know it’s pretty damn true. However, the real struggle is not when we accept that this is a reality. The real struggle comes in when we deny this reality. Or, at least that’s my opinion. I think that when we deny our relationships are impacted by, well, life, we lose the ability to seamlessly navigate those oft choppy waters.

That said, I appreciate that true connection can be still be felt, experienced, and known without the benefit of perspective. Our heart knows goodness when it happens upon it. What is really beautiful about that is we are better able to weather the storms that life presents when we have the stability that pure connection offers us. From time to time, we might feel scared or hesitant or even a little upside down but in the end, we can trust that person will be standing across from us. You might be a little worse for wear but you make it through.

Let’s back up for a moment. What do I mean that damage is caused when we deny the fact that relationships are fluid entities? Well, to explain my position fully, I’m going to have to geek out a little. I read an article in Scientific American shortly after witnessing the massive and devastating destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy, entitled “Why Do Trees Topple in a Storm?” The sentiments expressed in that article really stayed with me for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, I’m a nature gal and I was honestly heartbroken looking around and seeing fallen trees everywhere, particularly during one of my favorite foliage seasons. Secondly, I was amazed at how deliberately or accidentally metaphorical the article was in its implications.

Let me explain.

Responding to the question of why some trees fall during storms while others don’t, Kevin T. Smith, a plant physiologist with the U.S. Department of Agriculture Forest Service, made the following statement: “An equally big factor in tree falls…is bark between two trunks or between branches and the trunk, and wounds from past injuries which make a tree vulnerable when high winds bend its branches or even cause the trunk to sway” (https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/why-do-trees-topple-in-a-storm/).

Wow.

Do you get it yet? Don’t sweat it if you don’t. I am obviously going to explain, because that’s just what I do. Spoiler alert: I’m going to reword Mr. Smith’s words to illuminate the fairly staggering metaphorical sentiment.

When we have emotional scar tissue or active wounds from life experiences that haven’t been dealt with or managed, we are more vulnerable when facing challenges in relationships. The blockages caused by scars and the searing pain caused by open wounds will act as deterrents in expressing the flexibility, forgiveness, understanding, and strength needed to work our way through difficult situations.  Unresolved injury leads to breakage.

So, how does this all tie together? Well, once we acknowledge how impactful life experiences are, we are in a better position to manage them. Once we begin the work of managing our lives, we are in a better position to manage how our relationships fare in the face of what life throws at us.

Have I lost you? It happens from time to time. Let’s move away from metaphors and towards more concrete, real-life examples.

Let’s get really real and talk about the current crisis. Families are currently sheltering-in-place together. Said otherwise, and less politely, they are stuck with each other, nearly twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. If one claims that this modification of routine has a net zero impact on their relationships, there is a greater likelihood that the impact of such will be wholly detrimental. Anger, frustration and overall stress will be buried. Thoughts will go unspoken. Resentment will grow. The divide between two people or a family will seemingly become bigger and wider. New burdens that feel insurmountable will develop, and separation will seem all at once implausible and imminent.

But, what if folks are able to give voice to what they are feeling in an imperfect but honest fashion? What if someone can admit that they are feeling stifled, overwhelmed, panicked, and even annoyed? What if they can find the appropriate (or not so much) words to tell their partners, roommates, or children that they are struggling?

Well, I imagine that most of the time the feelings shared are not unique to the sharer. The experience of bringing his or her thoughts to light can actually create a united front amongst two people or a family. It can create a sense of relief. It can cause a necessary unburdening. Sometimes speaking the truth of a thing makes it more palatable and less intimidating. Sometimes that sharing unearths something difficult to deal with but provides an opportunity to start down the path of resolution or peace or both. Sometimes that sharing will bring to light an issue that does not have an easy resolution and might even contribute to the demise or changing of a relationship. While this is a painful reality, it is a necessary one.

I guess what I’m saying is deal with your shit. Recognize that life will take you on and challenge your relationships. Don’t be scared that things change, but open to it. There is something to be said for the steadiness that comes with a real and true connection, but no one should rest their laurels on such. To evolve and grow as humans, we have to be willing to keep evolving and keep growing. I know, that sounds ridiculous but it is that simple. We cannot expect to get to better and bigger if we stand still waiting for life to deliver all the things to us. We have to be proactive and vigilant. We have to be smart. We have to be willing to say I’m wrong, you are right, I can change, and goodbye.

Be a tree that is flexible enough to move with a breeze, strong enough to weather a storm, and brave enough to lose some leaves along the way.

Talk to you tomorrow.

L.