Day 63.

“When you are younger
You’ll wish you’re older
Then when you’re older
You’ll wish for time to turn around
Don’t let your wonder turn into closure.”

-Ben Platt, Older

Come on, you didn’t think that you were going to go too long without me talking about music, did you? I watched the Ben Platt special on Netflix last night. If you haven’t, treat yourself. It honestly doesn’t matter what musical genre you are drawn to- talent is talent. And man, oh man, does that boy have talent oozing out of every pore. Anyway, I digress…

I loved his song Older the first time I heard it and I liked it even better performed live. Outside of his overwhelming vocal range, the words are just amazing. AMAZING. Why? Well, they are true. Profoundly, in-your-face true. In fact, the veracity of his words extends beyond their literal meaning. What do I mean by that? Well, I suppose we are always wishing for what we don’t have, can’t have, used to have. It’s the old ‘the grass is always greener’ syndrome. I’ve spoken about this idea before and I am sure we will address it again, but I don’t want to explore that right now.

At this very moment, I want to talk about the aging process and our wants and wishes related to such. I think that this is a particularly relevant topic right now as many of us are sheltering-in-place at home and pondering the passage of time. I can tell you that my 40^th birthday is in a few months and while I do not fear or dread aging, I am more aware of ‘the day’ creeping up as I watch the days tick by. It’s not a sad feeling per se, but rather, it makes me aware of how full my days usually are and how little time I usually have to ponder such things. Anyway, enough about me.

Why do we wish to be older when we are young? We crave validity, authority, and experience. We know or perceive that the world holds promises and secrets that are not revealed to us in youth. We think that we will be taken seriously once we possess the wisdom that comes with age. Sometimes adolescence feels confusing and painful and we desire to fast forward to a time when the world makes sense and we feel more at peace.

Then comes age. The years creep by, the lines deepen on our faces, and we have a stockpile of life experiences at our feet. We don’t want the responsibility that comes with time. We seek external sources of validation. Are we doing this adulating thing correctly? Is it okay that I’ve made THESE choices, rather than THOSE choices? We feel like the world has revealed to us its beauty but in that revelation, we have also witnessed its ugliness and darkness. We are taken seriously but we are also taken personally. With that impact comes the recognition or understanding that we should be mindful of our words. Perhaps we lack the desire for mindfulness and we are left managing the consequences of our actions. We prayed for clarity and ease and now we know that adulthood brings about it’s own challenges and difficulty.

Each group, the young and the not so young, wishes to transplant themselves to another time. They have this idea that the other is better. With age comes an appreciation for how things used to be. With youth comes a desire for how things might be. We exist in a dimension that is outside of the present and is entirely in the wishful thinking arena. That’s not so bad, right? We should have a rich and storied fantasy life, shouldn’t we? Well, sure, but also not.

There is something to be said for nostalgia and something to be said for dreaming. These are beautiful states filled with memories and plans. But what happens if we stay stuck there? What if we are incapable of keeping those moments as rest stops and instead, we force them to be the place where we permanently reside? What happens then? Well, when we pull ourselves entirely out of the present and only wish to go elsewhere, backwards or forwards, we lose the ability to appreciate the right now. Who cares, right? Big deal. Very, very big deal. If we cannot find the value in our present, we often move towards despair. Why is that? Well, because our brain naturally moves towards the…”I will be happy when _____” or “I was happen when _____.” We lose the ability to weave those wishful thoughts or pleasant histories into our real life, right now.

That takes me to the last line in the stanza I shared above, “don’t let your wonder turn into closure.” That’s what I believe Ben Platt is saying. You can always wonder and wish and hope. You can love up on what your life has been and you can celebrate what it might become, but remain there briefly. Don’t let yourself get stuck there. Don’t create a finite end to your life when it is not necessary to do so. Allow the possibilities to be endless.

We are at our best when we plan and hope and also celebrate and remember. We are at our best when we can take all of it and cull it together into one bundle of goodness. Sure, there is heartbreak and disappointment, but that’s the beauty of allowing the mish mosh to occur. You are neutralizing. You are gaining perspective. You are opening yourself up to the possibility of the thing.

Always look into a bright future, feel free to look back, but I find that I’m at my very best when I’m doing both of those things while putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

Talk to you tomorrow.

L.