I had this moment today where I felt completely overwhelmed. Do you ever feel that way? Like everything just felt overwhelming. Of course, I had to check myself for ALL the reasons. Still employed? Check. Healthy? Check. Friends and family healthy? Check. Roof over my head and food on my table? Check. Anyway, you get it. Life is good overall. So, why so overcome?
Well, it was a couple of things. First I went online to wish a friend happy birthday on social media and saw a post that completely spun me out. You know what I mean, right? Hatred, anger, divisiveness, etc. To make matters worse, it was a video from a so-called member of the wellness community, reposted by a member of the wellness community. Woo-wee that made my heart hurt and my head ache.
Then, my run felt like complete shit. No particular reason. The sun was out, it was quiet as usual, but my legs felt like lead weights dragging beneath me. I felt stiff and tired. I felt borderline unmotivated but I pushed myself.
Finally, I get home and start brewing coffee to find out that my email is blowing up. Email after email are pouring in. Follow-ups and new assignments. Demands and requests. This is not unusual for my job and nothing that I usually take exception to but today felt different. I felt out of control. I felt like I had no ability to get on top of it all and then to boot, I felt pissed off because today is the kick-off to the holiday weekend. I know, bratty as hell, right?
Well, I’ve spoken before about our ability to have a shitty day without any justification required. I don’t need to explain that my discomfort or annoyance is all relative, because by now, you are all painfully aware of how painfully aware I am. I know what is going on in the world and I am not foolish enough to express that I know how other’s feel, but I understand generally that they are feeling stuff. Furthermore, I know that the stuff they are feeling is not good.
This post is not about my ability to have feelings. We are all entitled. How do we get on top of things when that task in itself seems completely unmanageable? What happens when we feel like we can’t really talk to anyone about what is going on with us in that moment? Why can’t we talk about it? Well, I often can’t talk about things because I don’t even know where to begin. Sure, I wrote those three little paragraphs up above, but when I am in the midst of that garbage party, I have a hard time figuring out what to tackle first. I don’t really know what is truly bothering me. It just feels like everything sucks.
Also, there are times when we are having a really shit day but it just so happens our people are suffering too. This is not an uncommon situation, particularly during a crisis. Many in my tribe are dealing with the same issues I am or they have their own issues in lieu of mine or in addition to those I am struggling with at the time. It’s not that my friends wouldn’t listen, it is just that some small mindful part of my being recognizes that a conversation with them might not be useful in that moment. I will likely add to their burden or they will feel compelled to reduce my issues to a basis of comparison. While that comparison is likely accurate and might even help achieve perspective, it might be harmful to bring my attention to it in the throes of my pity-party. And don’t forget that ‘hurt people hurt people’. We’ve talked about that one like a million times. It is entirely possible that if someone is feeling particularly wretched, they would inadvertently strike out at me instead of being helpful or supportive. Again, even if their ‘get a grip’ message is needed, it might not be appropriately received or processed in the moment in which it is delivered.
Cool, so what now? Well typically, writing can be an option as can exercise. But remember what I shared already? I am overwhelmed by my work and my body feels like an overfilled trash bag. So, I’m not as inclined to jot my thoughts down on paper, for fear my brain will tell me that if I am writing, I would be better served writing for work. And, I’m not apt to move more because the movement I’ve already engaged in has felt like a chore or an obligation.
What the fuck now?
Well, I have to just feel like shit for a little bit. WHAT?!?! Is this really a mindfulness blog? What is wrong with me? Well, I just shared above what’s wrong with me. I’m having a crappy day. The sun is shining and I am healthy, employed and loved, but I am a grumpy POS. I am. And you know what, I’m going to give myself a little while to feel this. Just. Like. That.
Sometimes letting yourself sit with something is just as important as finding your way through it. No matter the tips or techniques at your disposal, sometimes you will just feel sad or mad or exasperated. That is okay. Really. I talked about this particular technique of self-care a long time ago but given my mood today, I thought it deserved a repeat.
I heard something the other day and I honest to goodness can’t remember where (so I am paraphrasing) but it was basically that our worst days teach us. They do. They don’t just teach us how to appreciate the things we have, though certainly they do that. They teach us how to express our emotions in a healthy manner. Don’t bury that shit, let it out. I mean, don’t railroad some innocent unsuspecting person, but let yourself be pissy. They teach us that bad shit can happen to good people. They teach us that we can feel like garbage even on a day when the sun is shining. They teach us that we are resilient and flexible creatures. Sometimes they teach us what we need to change. How we need to move the molehills and mountains around us to live a more contented life.
It is easy to look at a motivational gif or meme and be angry at yourself that you are not more appreciative. Gratitude is absolutely essential in living in the world there is no question. But you know what is also critical? Being real. Being honest. Being entirely human. Don’t say things are fine if they aren’t fine. Let yourself cry or scream or whatever you need to do. Don’t take your shit out on the people around you but do note the areas where you need greater self-advocacy.
You can feel overwhelmed right now. You can feel mopey. You can have a day or even two. You don’t even HAVE to move through it if you don’t want to. Just try and leave it behind the next day. Don’t carry it with you. Feel all the feelings, retain the lessons, and shut the door on that dark rain cloud. Don’t milk it or drag it out. Let your bad day lead to a better tomorrow. Get a handle on your shit if you need to. But yes, have a crappy day. You are entitled.
Be mad that work is insane. Be pissy that the holiday weekend is basically a non-starter. Be annoyed that some people are being selfish and inflammatory. Feel frustrated that your body has some icky spots or off days. Feel sad that things are upside down right now.
I’m going to let Friday be a shit show. Well, Friday morning. Then I’m going to go for a walk. I’m going to talk to my people once I’m feeling more clear. I’m going to make small and feasible plans for the weekend. I’m going to make tomorrow better.
Come on, you know you want to say it. Repeat after me: Challenge accepted.
I’ll talk to you Monday or maybe Tuesday. I’ll see how I feel and what spirit moves me.
Either way, we’ll talk soon.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 