I went for a social distance jog with a friend the other day. Actually, it’s not an established friendship per se, but I’d like to call her a new friend, or maybe a developing friendship. Either way, it was lovely. Really. She was generally great company and the fact that we happen to be on the same page when it comes to how to handle these things right now (distance, masks) was icing on the cake.
I called my parents on the way home to say good morning and see what they had in store for the day (though that does seem to be something of a silly or funny question right now). I shared with my mom that I was surprised that this woman, who I only knew peripherally from the gym, had reached out to invite me to go for the jog. I was even more surprised that during our post-jog chat she opened up to me a bit and shared something quite personal.
I want to be clear that the share was quite welcome. I was, and I am, honored that she felt comfortable enough to open up to me. I was just a bit surprised as we are not very close, yet. I think it is important that I also clarify that this lovely human is not a ‘share everything with everyone’ kind of gal. Even though we aren’t extraordinary chummy just yet, it’s pretty evident that’s not her MO. So, that led to the following question posed to my mom: why do you think she wanted to spend time with me and what made her want to connect further by opening up to me in the way she did?
Mom kind of chuckled the way that she does when I ask a question of this nature and asked me in return if I really had to ask that question. Well, yeah. I obviously did, right?
Have you ever wondered such a thing? I don’t mean in a ‘I suck so bad, why does anyone like me’ kind of way (though that happens to some folks). I mean in a more generic way. More benign. You look at certain folks and who they are and what they bring to the table and you wonder what you are offering them in return. In this case I wasn’t just wondering why she asked me to hang, I was also pondering what made her let down her guard in the way that she did.
Now it would be easy for me to say that she did what she did because she was practicing. Um, what? Yeah, practicing. I know for myself, sometimes I want to test the waters with a narrative and it’s far easier to do so with someone who is not as meaningful. There is something safer about letting someone in, albeit temporarily, who does not really have the power to wound. Does that make sense?
What I am describing is the same phenomenon that might compel you to talk to a stranger on a train platform (geez, are they ever on time?) but not someone who works in your building and happens to hop on the elevator with you.
Is that what was happening there? Maybe. Possibly. Unlikely.
Maybe she was using a personal experience to try and establish a connection or a bond. This is totally feasible, no? Some folks feel like giving another human insight into the realm far below the surface prompts a more meaningful exchange. And it does, right? Haven’t you ever had one of those surprise encounters where you begin to make small talk with someone and that chit-chat turns into something else? I know I have. The thing is, the impetus behind that type of exchange can be what I just described or it can be something less planned. When I say planned, I don’t mean anything nefarious, such as manipulation, though that’s always a possibility. I just mean there is a specific thought process that goes on, even if quickly, before information is revealed. Sometimes the person can feel comfortable in the moment and decide they want to solidify the moment with something shared. They might even feel a momentary discomfort after, feeling like they spoke too quickly or too soon or said too much. That’s where it is up to the counterparty in the discussion to make the person feel at ease (should they wish to). You can typically identify that the exchange is that kind of exchange if the person says something like “oh shit, sorry…TMI, right?” To reassure in a moment like this, all one has to do is say “no, I’m actually really glad you shared that with me…”
Like I mentioned above, there is a possibility that there is some underhanded motive involved in the reveal. I wish I could say this is a wholly uncommon event, but I think we all know that would be pretty far from true. Sometimes people will want to manipulate you and so they “open”. They might want to lure you into revealing information they are seeking or might want you to feel sorry for them in a moment where you would be less inclined to do so. Those are just a few examples. There are many, a few of which I’m sure you just called to mind.
Okay, so how do I know what this woman’s intentions were or are? Here’s the better question: does it matter? I mean really. Does it? Well, yes and no. It does because if the person’s intentions are less than honorable, you might have to try and protect yourself a little more proactively. Or not. Confusing, right? Well, let me share how I handle this so I am best protected and happiest.
I like to think that I listen the same, no matter who someone is or what they are sharing. That’s not really the pivotal part though. Ready for it? Okay. I respond based on what makes me the most comfortable. You can let someone in as much or as little as you want at any point. A reveal by another human does not necessitate that you open up and share something. To the contrary. If someone is pushing you to open up, it might be cause to question their motives. Where I’m concerned, it occasionally gives me a second glance at the friendship. Anyone that knows me well knows that I take some time to thaw, and even once I do and have all the love in my heart, I only share in bits and spurts when I feel comfortable. I’m much like the Goldilocks of the sharing world. I don’t often find my ‘just right’ so I’m often more reserved. It’s not intended to be offensive to whomever I am speaking with, but is just a pure expression of who I am as a human.
As a side note, and an important one, I’ve been in situations where folks get upset with me for not sharing and threaten me (or just act) to not share in return. This is disappointing and hurtful to me, but there’s little I can do to change this and so I’ve learned to just accept it. I’m not looking for folks to share their dirty secrets with me for some gratuitous pleasure. I love being a sounding board for the people I care about and I love being able to know what’s going on with them. Me not providing the same isn’t always a reflection on the relationship. Often, it’s a simple statement about where my head and brain are at that moment. I might be foggy or sad. I might be distracted or unsure. I might be angry or confused. I may just want to distract myself from the thing, whatever it is.
I’m not sure why my new friend chose me, but I’m grateful for it. I’m hoping we find our rhythm and I continue to learn more about her. Hell, I hope I can share more about me one day. The jury is out, but I’m okay with that. How about you? Do you judge others when they open up? Can you open up without demanding it of others? Can you accept people for who they are and what they have to offer or do you need them to be like you? Don’t give me the answers. Just maybe give yourself a few. In your own time. When you are ready.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
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