Day 70.

I want to make a very sensitive and important point in today’s post. Perhaps more important than anything else I talk about because in many ways it is sort of the root of everything else.

Power.

Did you get the shivers reading that word? Excitement tremors or fear-filled quakes? I’m usually erring on the latter side of that equation, but if I’m really honest with myself, I have mixed feelings.

I’d like to start as I usually do, with a story.

I had to go for a sonogram today. Yeah, in the middle of a pandemic. I mean on one hand, it’s a medical establishment that I was going to so I felt pretty comfortable that they had the protocol down pat. On the other hand, it’s a medical establishment, one that boasted ‘we do chest x-rays’ in the window. Let’s not forget that I was there for a sonogram. Needless to say, my anxiety outweighed any calm that I felt.

Things went smoothly at first. There is a whole procedure the center follows in connection with checking in and getting to the imaging room. Sadly, things went downhill almost straight after those beginning bits. My technician came to grab me from the empty waiting room and as she was leading me down the hall, she began to ponder aloud where the paper gowns were located. I must have looked at her sideways because she proceeded to explain that it wasn’t her normal work space and they didn’t store items in the same way. Almost immediately, I started to feel uneasy. I want someone with the home field advantage, don’t I? Someone who can navigate the office with their eyes closed. I want someone wholly comfortable so they can make me wholly comfortable. Well, and get me the fuck outta there as quickly as possible.

The tech leads me down the hallway and into a tiny room. Teeny tiny. Demerit number two. I know she’s going to be close to me because it’s a goddamn sonogram, but I want the air around us to move. I want space. No such luck. I am in a small cell. A little prison filled with imaging equipment, a desk, a chair, and a ton of supplies. Supplies? Why is there so much shit in this room? That’s what I kept asking myself. Shouldn’t some of this be away, so tiny little virus particles can’t cling to all of it? Apparently not.

I move out of the way to allow the technician to dim the lights (confusing) and the fucking paper towel dispenser falls open. On to my head. You might want to read that more than once. I got clocked by the paper towel dispenser. The tech expresses [what might best be described as sardonic compassion] and offers me an ice pack. Um, no. Thank you. Another item to collect shit on it pressing against my body? I’ll pass. Forever. Thanks. When I decline, she then offers me a reusable bag to put my clothing in when I change. You know what my answer is going to be by now, right? NO. FUCK NO. Please stop offering me anything that I have to hold, carry, manage, disinfect, etc.

I change and call her back into the room and she begins the test. It’s about a minute in when she starts making throat clearing noises. Come on people. I know you’ve seen the allergy season memes that are EVERYWHERE. Throat clearing, pollen swallowing, sneezing, choking, and all things throat related are for now intrinsically linked to COVID-19. Maybe not forever but definitely right now. As a highly allergic (and thus suffering) person myself, I’m a little more chill that others generally. Except now I’m not particularly chill, because I just want to GO HOME. The tech apologizes and explains that her throat gets dry. She then LIFTS UP HER MASK AND DRINKS FROM A PLASTIC CUP CONTAINING ICED COFFEE. My head felt like it was going to explode. Instantly. I felt stressed. I felt scared. I felt angry. I felt powerless.

Powerless because I was laying there half-dressed, at her mercy. Powerless because I was too scared to speak up given the insanity I’ve witnessed lately. Powerless because I was having difficulty finding the words to tell her that as a member of the medical community, I don’t think strict adherence to the protocol is simply a recommendation. Powerless because I know it isn’t.

I didn’t have the words, strength, courage, or wherewithal to give voice to my concerns. I am powerless.

I left the room and mentioned my distress on the way out to one of the front desk employees. With this action, I take a little bit of my power back. I called my mom and vented about my experience. With this action, I take a little bit of my power back. I call corporate and tell them of my experience. Explaining that I do not want to jeopardize her job, but she should be spoken to, because her behavior was inappropriate and made me uncomfortable. With this action I take a little bit of my power back.

None of the actions I take change what happened, but they begin to change how I feel in the ‘after’. They begin to reshape my experience so it doesn’t leave me feeling so anxiety-ridden and terrible.

Here’s the thing. My experience was what it was because of the feelings of powerlessness I have, and had. If I felt empowered, maybe I could have stopped what happened. Maybe I would have said something on the spot. Maybe I would have left. I don’t know because I was too afraid.

This is a common theme in our society today. Right now. The powerful versus the powerless. I know you know what I’m talking about. Politicians versus constituents. Democrats versus republicans. Pro versus anti. Racists versus people of color. It’s bullshit and it’s time for that paradigm to change.

I know you are wondering how I went from a sonogram to ALL of that. It’s easy. That’s the problem. It’s not a stretch. It’s not a giant leap. It’s a baby step. I had someone provide me with a service who had no respect for me as a human. She only cared for her needs in that moment. So much so that she broke with mandated protocol to serve herself. I mean fuck, she broke the law (OSHA). That me over we shit is what breaks us. Breaks us down. Breaks us apart. Creates an irreparable and incredibly damaging power dynamic.

If we permit it in smallish ways, we allow it in the biggest ways. We must demand respect for one another. We must set a good example. We must be brave enough to speak our mind in a way that exudes the same respect we are demanding from others. We cannot believe any longer that silence does not constitute agreement or complacency. It does. You stay quiet, you are as good as raising your head and shouting ‘I agree.’

This is where everyone is confused right now, or at least a good number of folks that I can see. No violence. No anger. No disrespect. We need love. Reverence. Determination. That is the way. That is the ONLY way.

Think about what YOU are going to do about it. This is not about taking your power back. This is about accepting that no one needs it. Not really. Not like this. Or that. You hear me?

Talk to you tomorrow (or later today actually).

L.