I gave a great deal of thought to what I wanted to write about today. There are a few things that have been at the forefront of my mind. And yet, I keep circling back to the same thought. I keep coming back to the topic I touched on in yesterday’s post. I keep feeling disturbed, sad, and dismayed by the state of the world right now.
It’s all well and good if I manage to get my relationship shit in order, but if the world is burning around me, what does it matter? Sure, I might have clearly identified those around me that I can cling to when I feel this kind of despair, but outside of that, not much is accomplished. What I’m trying to say is that if we want to get our houses in order, it’s imperative that we look at every single room, not just the entry way.
I am not afraid to say that from time to time I fear that I’ve slipped into the comfort of white privilege. I am not afraid to express my outrage and disgust over acts of pure racism and discrimination and hatred. Not even a little. I am afraid sometimes because I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how I can help change things. I feel so small in a big world filled with darkness and rage.
I read posts on social media of likeminded people and then notice simultaneously the voices of approval, and the dissenting and argumentative voices. I find myself aghast reading the justifications and explanations that folks put forth. I find myself feeling encouraged by those with the courage to speak out in connection with the injustice that surrounds us.
There is so much to dig into here, but there is one particular issue that has real merit and I think it needs to be spoken about. I need to speak about it and I hope you are willing to listen with an open mind.
We have become a culture of ‘blame the victim’ in every respect. We seek explanations and rationale. We try and understand the ‘why’ to a terrifying extent. And on one level, I get it. Right? That’s how our justice system works. Due process. But is THIS due process? What if I told you that I don’t give a shit what someone did, I don’t think that dying with a knee in his/her neck is a worthy punishment? What if I countered crime statistics with my own regarding socio-economic inequality and educational disparity? What if I told you that “they” get it wrong a lot. They get it right too, but the wrong is pretty fucking major when we are talking prison or a death sentence.
Much like ‘blame the victim’ has been an ongoing theme in rape culture, it has added a new and terrifying dynamic to active racism and discrimination in this country.
Do I think that we need to explore whether someone actually did something and then understand why they did it? Yeah, that’s pretty much the definition of justice. Do I think we should move to condemnation before those things occur? No. Never.
Do I think all police officers are bad? Absolutely not. Do I think all people of color are criminals? That’s insane.
When we are all so different, how could these generalizations still stand? How can we still, in 2020, be HERE? Why do people want to live this way?
Well, I think people want to victim blame because it makes them feel better. I think the world has a long-standing tradition of blame when it comes to people’s challenging situations. Unemployment? Blame the immigrants. Crime? Blame people of color. Humorless and restrictive work environments? Blame the women. These are just broad stroke, big category issues. I mean come the fuck on people. How long are we going to point outside of ourselves?
We can continue to blame, to look outwards, or we can recognize that when we do that, we are not only victimizing someone else, but we are victimizing ourselves. We are not staying on the path to worthy. Worthiness is felt when we take responsibility. Worthiness is experienced when we listen and also when we really hear. Worthiness is understood when we have compassion. Worthiness is a life choice when we decide that we don’t need to be impulsive in our assessments. Ever. You don’t need to decide at the speed of light what a situation represents. Not even a little. Open your mind. Take some time. Maybe you end up condemning someone at the end of the day, but shouldn’t you get THERE after great thought? Shouldn’t you gather the facts?
I was talking to a good friend today and he expressed to me disappointment that the people in this country were being gaslighted without any recognition or understanding. Holy shit. He’s right. We are. Not just by the folks that are obvious. This is not about a conspiracy theory or high-grade paranoia. This is about us allowing ourselves to formulate thoughts and opinions based solely on what we are being told, without questioning anything. Ever.
Do you remember when I talked about gaslighting? Where someone so convinces you of a thing such that you always look to them for your truth. Think about your experiences lately. Are you being bombarded on social media? Are you captivated by the news? Do you have a friend or a couple of friends who are ‘with’ you so long as you agree with their position(s)?
I am not saying everyone is innocent. I am not saying everyone is guilty. I am not suggesting that we should condone behavior on any side when it causes harm, no matter the intentionality.
I am saying it is time to ask questions. It is time to challenge those around you and yourself. Don’t be unnecessarily argumentative or aggressive. Don’t name call or condescend or put-down. Just ask a fucking question. What happened? Try and secure information that allows you to understand what happened. Not a narrative that someone else has crafted, on either side. Real information. And then, have a backbone. Have a standard. Stand by what you truly believe, no matter what. Don’t fold. Don’t relent. Speak up. Be brave. Be assertive Don’t be silent.
I know, I am saying all of this like it is easy. It isn’t easy. It is the hardest thing you will ever do. We are a culture that craves approval from some and well, from all. We want people to like us. We want people to understand us. Most of us do anyway. It’s how we are built. What I’m suggesting is messy. It’s challenging. It can be lonely. But let me tell you something, it will make you a better fucking human. It will Candy Land your ass right to the Candy Castle. You stand for something, you will feel more worthy. I swear to you. This isn’t a maybe thing. It’s a definite thing.
Start today. Stop blaming victims. You can hold them accountable for anything they did that you don’t agree with or anything that is flagrantly illegal or immoral. You can. That doesn’t mean you need to excuse harm that comes their way. Those are two different things, okay? You might have made mistakes in your relationship but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be emotionally abused or abandoned. You see? Fix one room, fix ‘em all.
Talk to you Monday.
L.
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