Well hi there. I was shut down yesterday because I decided to have a quiet day of reflection. I wanted to pause and take the day to really consider the state of the world. I wanted to think critically about what I was going to do to help shift things.
I happened to have three really interesting conversations over the course of the day yesterday, each triggered by a piece I wrote for a writing contest.
I want to give you a quick hit of the takeaway from each and then dive in a little deeper over the next few days.
- One individual was defending a person on their social media feed who condemned all ‘liberals’, blaming them for the destruction of private property and looting across the country.
- One individual respectfully agreed with the movements across the country but said that she would love to see more dialogue on how no murder, no violence is acceptable. She advised that ‘so many victims of violence go ignored and their stories are not acknowledged because they don’t fit within a group/narrative/history of victims’.
- One individual challenged the idea of systemic racism, or was at least inquiring about it, and asked if an acknowledgement or acceptance of the idea of systemic racism was the equivalent of a finger point to one party and an abdication of responsibility where other persons were concerned.
You know what I loved about each of these exchanges? People were talking. They were having difficult conversations. They were making themselves uncomfortable. They were challenging ideas, notions, agendas, and the people around them. Even if I didn’t agree with what they were expressing, I was able to have civil and interesting conversations. I was able to see some things differently and also explore my commitment to some of the ideas and feelings I have.
I do want to break these conversations down though, because they are important. I am going to stretch them out over a few posts because each is too important to rush or short-cut. We will start where it’s best to, the beginning.
As to the first conversation, I pointed to the rhetoric of this individual on social media as an example of generalizing, divisive language. The person, a relative of mine, who is friends with this individual explained that they are a “really good person” and didn’t mean to say what I thought they were saying. There are two important thoughts related to this exchange. One is that we often feel compelled to “defend” or “explain” or “disclaimer” our friends even when we don’t agree with them. We feel like a criticism of them is effectively a criticism of us. Even if we aren’t afraid we will be grouped as like-minded, we might fear disapproval surrounding our willingness to befriend the [offensive] individual in question. You can feel that way and that’s just fine. I’ve learned to say the following: “I’m not sure why s/he feels the way they do, but feel free to ask them. I don’t agree but I respect their right to a different point of view.” I mean, we should all understand that those sentiments work when the person’s feelings or thoughts diverge from mine but not to the point where they are being hateful, racist, or discriminatory.
That actually leads me to the second thought. At what point has someone stepped beyond “we feel differently” and progressed to “I can’t stomach how they feel”? I’ve talked about this before generally, but you have to sort out where your thresholds are as I cannot dictate that for you. I can tell you that you shouldn’t be afraid to walk away from relationships that don’t serve you. I can tell you that you should never feel obligated to maintain a connection (to ANYONE, friend, family, etc.). I can tell you that if someone’s words are constantly being misinterpreted, it could be a ‘them’ thing and not an ‘everyone else’ thing. Maybe, just maybe, we could be tighter with our words, more mindful with our words. Maybe we could really think before we open our mouths to speak. And, if someone doesn’t have the ability to think before they speak, or the desire to do so, maybe we need to rethink our connection to them.
I am not saying you should just throw in the towel every time things get tense. At all. A conversation is warranted and necessary, but so is having some patience. Change doesn’t happen overnight. These things take time. However, if there is no visible movement or progress, that is likely evidence that someone is obstinately dug in. That doesn’t mean they do not have the desire or ability to dig out. It just means that they haven’t made the choice to do so and it might mean that you need to move away from them until they get there. We can’t force people to change their minds. We can gently share our wisdom or available information from reliable sources. We can advise of the outside perspective on something. But the rest, that has to come from within them. It behooves us to be aware that some people are really connected to their beliefs. In the face of evidence to the contrary, they will do everything in their power to tow the line. It gives them some modicum of comfort, you see. Sometimes it’s a kinder, braver, and smarter thing to just say ‘I’m sure you’ll figure it out.’
I keep talking about this topic with a slightly different tone. I don’t want to get redundant or boring but I think it is absolutely critical that we keep having the discussion. It is particularly important during toxic and turbulent times like that which we are currently living in, but it is also important every other single day that we live on this earth. The fact that it keeps appearing in front of me means that I haven’t done all of the work yet. I have more to do and in true commitment to the integrity of this blog, that means that I am going to keep sharing my perfectly imperfect journey with you.
I want you to hear from me that everything is a journey and takes work. You should know that with many of the tougher issues we will face in life, we tend to take a few steps forward and many steps back. You should understand that you will be faced with situations and scenarios that will challenge the progress that you’ve made or the rules you’ve decided to adhere to. Sometimes it is because we are facing the issue with a person we never thought we’d have that interaction with or sometimes it is because we keep facing the issue with the same person and we are not breaking through our own resistance to get to a better place.
I am frustrated by my response to people sometimes. I am surprised at my lack of compassion, my anger, my sadness, or my fear of letting go. I decide unequivocally that I am going to handle things in a certain way and then I realize that is not even remotely possible. I realize I don’t have the courage or the tools or it’s just not the right time.
Maybe you are a person who decides something or gets to a certain place and that is that. I commend you. Most of us are not like that. For most of us, it is a journey. A treacherous but wholly rewarding battle. But if we are determined enough to live a better life, we get to reap the glorious benefit of our work.
What do I mean?
When the person with whom I was conversing started defending this person who was spouting hatred and discriminatory barbs, I didn’t feel angry. I felt sad. Sad for that person. Sad for my relative. Sad for anyone around them, including their children, spouse, and community members. I felt hopeful that the might see the light one day. I felt confident that the good in the world would overshadow the ugliness I was witnessing. Don’t get me wrong, hatred and ignorance makes me angry, but there is no need for me to direct my anger at this person. Instead, I have the ability to scoop up that rage and reformat it into something beautiful. Advocacy and activism. Having a voice. Making a choice.
I’m not going to stop talking about this because it is critical to how we are going to all live moving forward. Quite frankly, it is critical to our survivability and happiness. Our relationship to ourselves, our relationship to others, and our place in the world. These topics shouldn’t get old because they are the very subjects that will shape our future.
Give it some thought. If you think this is tired, then take a break and come back. We’ll get to #2 tomorrow.
Talk to you then.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 