A very close friend of mine asked me if I think there is one person meant for each of us. One soul mate or one true connection. I responded in the most honest way I could. I don’t know.
There are so many lines of thinking when it comes to this topic. There are some who believe we have many soul mates, each serving a particular purpose in our lives or each relevant and/or meaningful for a particular time period. There are some who believe we have one and only one true soul mate. There are some who don’t believe in the concept of soul mates, period.
I struggle with this idea because our feelings towards people or a connection can vary based on perspective. The perspective I am speaking of is that which comes with time or our experience in other relationships. I am sure you’ve experienced this situation in one form or another, no? Sure, there are some folks who literally marry their first love. However, there are more of us who felt completely smitten with our first “love”, only to discover that our feelings were passing or temporary.
Maybe we need to first explore what it means to have a soul mate. Psychology Today in 2014 described having a soulmate as follows: “The term “soulmate” implies a special affinity, understanding, or powerful bond that exists between one person and another” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201402/what-makes-soulmate). If we take this definition on its face, it seems entirely possible that a soul mate does not have to be a romantic connection. I believe that we’ve assigned romantic notions to the term soul mate because of existing societal paradigms that I’ve spoken to before. If the acceptable end game in life is to end up with a romantic partner, clearly it makes sense to have a romantic soul mate. Right?
Nah. Absolutely not. What if two friends are soul mates? What if a parent and a child are soul mates? Did you wrinkle your nose at that one? Maybe, but isn’t it possible? I’m not talking about a bond that exists because of a blood relation or shared accommodations. I am speaking to a true bond that is keenly felt in a very unique way. The same article I referenced above adds the following to the definition of soul mate: “In a heightened way, soulmates experience communication at non-verbal as well as verbal levels” (id.). Does that change your perspective? Maybe you have someone or multiple persons with whom you can speak to with ease, but are you also able to connect in a way that does not require verbal expression? Are you able to read body language or facial expressions? Are you able to read between the lines of what is said to feel what that person wants or needs to communicate?
There are people I am extraordinarily close with, but without the benefit of verbal communication, our connection might actually cease to exist or at a minimum, is less significant, less profound. Those relationships are not diminished in my eyes and are still incredibly important to me, but I would not call those folks soul mates.
Let’s stay on topic but move on to a new bit for a moment. Does recognizing someone as a soul mate mean that they are meant to be in your life now or even forever? Does it mean that you end up with them as a partner? Nope. Well at least I don’t think so. This can be a painful concept to contemplate or accept, but just because someone might feel like a soul mate, doesn’t mean we are meant to end up with them or share our lives with them. Not even close. Saying goodbye to a soulmate or keeping a soulmate at arm’s length can be painful but necessary for any variety of reasons.
Let’s expand upon this concept a little more for the sake of clarifying a point that is challenging but necessary. Just because we feel incredibly close or drawn to another human does not mean that they are our soulmate. I know this is difficult for many of us, but it is my firm opinion that soulmates must have equanimity and shared feelings. A soulmate situation is not a situation of unrequited love. The connection cannot be one-sided. One person might be more resistant to or fearful of the connection. One person might be incapable of allowing the connection to exist in a real way, but without the connection on both sides (think portal), there are no soulmates. There might be attraction, desire, or obsession, but soulmates? Nope. Not so far as I am concerned.
Okay, so let’s circle back. Is it possible to have more than one soulmate? I suppose. Yes. It seems foolish to reject the notion of multiple soulmates just given the premise that multiple soulmates seems a difficult pill to swallow.
But, in my humble opinion, soulmates are very special, very rare connections. They are not just lust or a high level of affection or attraction. To that end, I often think it is challenging to identify a soulmate in the thick of relationship development. You might feel strongly towards another human, but it is often hard to wade through feelings of intimacy (friendship, romantic…) and love to discover the true nature of a relationship.
We exist in a society that mostly desires a categorization or definition that substantiates or justifies actions that we take. What do I mean by that? Well, if you decide to move in with someone, marry someone, befriend someone, et cetera, you often look for support for those decisions. You want a response ready for those that ask. You want to be able to satisfy your own justification monologue. You want things to make sense. So you make them make sense. We have a hard time expressing that someone is a good partner/friend without saying they are the BEST friend or BEST partner. What does the best partner mean? What does a best friend mean? What if I said to you that _____ is the BEST friend I have for listening and ___ is the BEST friend I have for advice and _____ is the BEST friend I have for fun? What if I told you that my partner was not my soulmate but was the BEST person for me to open my life to and share my life with? Would that be satisfying as a response, or would you be seeking someone more substantial, more grandiose?
I think we cannot begin to fully understand and form an opinion on soulmates until we grow more comfortable with identifying our relationships. You KNOW what I’m going to say, no? We need to be comfortable moving outside of what society has determined to be the perfect relationships for all people. We need to find the perfect relationships for us. That is a fuzzy and messy definition and harder to process, but I think it’s the truth. The great part about that journey is that we learn so much about ourselves when we embark on it. Truly. We start to understand what we need, what makes us tick, who lights us up and who teaches us. What if I told you that I will never be “with” my soulmate, but that individual has helped me get closer to knowing what I would want from friends or a partner? Is that unromantic or the purest sense of what a soulmate can offer? If someone helps you get closer to your best self and best life, isn’t that really the best person, no matter their status in your life?
We should always be thinking about and considering our relationships. Renew your leases with the people you share your life with regularly. Don’t get complacent and don’t rest your laurels on what a relationship once was because if you commit to this journey, you have the best shot of emerging happy on the other side. I promise you that.
Give it a whirl.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 