I was recently asked on a social distancing date. I think a little bit of background is beneficial, so I’ll digress for just a moment. The gentleman in question is educated, well-traveled, professionally accomplished, and just an interesting person all around. He is also kind, intelligent, and funny. Bottom line? He seemed like a good catch. That was my surface level appraisal anyway.
We texted a bit and then he jumped in short -order to a FaceTime date. The transition was quicker than I’m used to, but on its face there is nothing wrong with that. I’m also trying to be a little more flexible and open-minded given the state of the world. Given restrictions surrounding face-to-face interactions, folks are making adjustments in different areas of getting to know someone, to keep things interesting AND safe. I’m typically a little snail when it comes to letting people in but I’m trying to roll with things a bit more. Be open-minded. I am also attempting to not be so intense or walled up. To not stick to the same old just because it is what I’ve always been comfortable with. That said, there is something to be said for standards and self-awareness, but we’ll get back to that. I mean, I am who I am, and I’ve been through what I’ve been through. You know what I mean?
So on that note, let’s get back to my story.
This man, who we will call John (NOT his name) had asked me on a date. When contemplating his “ask” out loud, I mentioned that there were several options that I would feel comfortable with, most relying on some variation on social distancing and fairly reliant on good weather. Of course, this can be a bit frustrating with the volatility of the weather this time of year, but it is definitely possible.
I’m not sure which point I want to focus on first, so I’m just going to spill it completely and dissect it all a bit and then wrap it up in a neat bow. Good?
When the weather seemed to not be cooperating, he suggested that we sit at opposite ends of a couch. I thought he was joking, but he wasn’t. I want to remind you that I don’t know this human at all. Let’s transition for a moment into a pre-pandemic world. There is not an instance I can call to mind where I’d be excited going to someone’s apartment a hot minute after meeting them. Not only is that not particularly safe but it also sends a message I’m not really on board with. Okay, he threw it out there. Is that the end of the world? Not even a little. Do I think he has made that offer to others who make have taken him up on it? Sure do. Is that the end of the world? No, but it certainly pushes me to the other end of the world where he is concerned. Not an outright ‘see ya later’ but a pause.
A few days pass and I get the sense that my unwillingness to couch it has shifted his feelings towards me from sort of jazzed to lackluster. And you know what, I’m okay with that. I hang in though. Why? Well, I am getting better at identifying, reading, and acting on red flags, but that doesn’t mean jumping ship at first wave. Of course, there are certain waves, when encountered, that require immediate abandonment, but that’s not what we are taking about here. He’s presumably frustrated with the state of things right now and its impact on the dating scene. What might have been a few chats and a drink somewhere is now a full on courting process with much attention paid to logistics. He’s trying to find work-arounds while gauging the tolerance level of the folks he is talking to. Not the devil’s work per se, just a human trying to figure shit out during trying times. That’s okay. Really.
We keep talking here and there and it seems as though he wants to give it another shot. He asks me if we can set up a proper social distancing date and I say yes. He shares that he has friends that live not far from me and asks if I’d be willing to do a double date of sorts in their backyard. I have to admit to you that I instantly find this a teensy tiny bit off-putting. I’d like to think that someone would want to meet me one-on-one the first time. But again, that is not a deal-breaker. Maybe he feels more comfortable in a group initially. Maybe he has been burned before and wants a third-party opinion from his friends. One other couple in a backyard isn’t such a bad thing, and I quite like meeting new people. We tentatively agree upon a date.
A few days later, which is a few days before the date, he advises that he has firmed his plans with his friends and if I am available to join great, and if not, no big deal. Hmm. Pause. Shrug. Confusion. So, is he just trying to play things cool here or am I literally an afterthought to squeeze in? Is it at all possible that he really wants to get to know me if he wants to get together in a group but the group is more of a priority? I’m processing this information when the next text message comes in. Ready? “_______ invited another couple over so there will be 5 without you or 6 with. Plan is to play games and grill.” What in the actual fuck? So this went from a possibly first date to a group hang with five people who I don’t know at all?
A million things run through my mind at once. I don’t believe they are taking this pandemic and the whole hunkering down bit as seriously as I am. I don’t believe John really wants to meet me at all, or if he does, it is a situation that is very, very low on his priority list. I’m a little shy and awkward in situations where I am meeting new people, and I went from meeting three new people to five, one of whom I’m supposed to sort of be on a date with?
You know what, maybe in a different time and place where the world was different, I would not feel exactly the way I do. I can’t determine that though, because we are in these times. I can’t tell you what it looks like in a parallel universe, because my feet are firmly planted in THIS one. This world where there is a virus that is spread mostly through contact and thus, we are encouraged to be careful when we have contact with others.
It’s more than that though. I could tell you that it’s just COVID that’s making me feel unseated about this interaction, but it’s not. I realized something about myself during our conversations and following his unappealing invite. I want someone who is excited about me. Not someone who thinks the moon rises and sets on me before they even really know me. Just someone who wants to make a date or a plan with me in a way that allows us to get to know each other. I don’t want to be put on the spot or tested. I just want to carefully and slowly get to know another human to decide whether we would want to know each other more or better. My ‘this sucks’ radar is screaming to me that this situation is NOT it.
John might be great, but he’s not great for me. I’m not afraid to say that anymore. I try really hard to temper and contextualize my feelings against information I receive from the world, my experience, and some reasonableness factor. When the place I get to blows through ALL of that, I know it’s time to say ‘nah, no thanks.’
Don’t be afraid to know your own mind. Don’t be afraid if you don’t know your own mind but you do all the things to try and figure it out. Don’t squish a square peg into a round hole. Do be flexible but not to the point of losing yourself. Don’t feel pressured to comply with another’s version of things right now.
You might slowly grow to like someone more and more over time. It may not be immediate or a flash. I’ll tell you what though, you should want that journey, as should they. If it feels like pulling teeth for you or seems that way on their end of the world, maybe it’s time to call it.
COVID or no COVID, I don’t like a group hang for a first date, and I know that now. Make your own rules, feel free to change them, but make it because it’s YOUR choice and yours alone.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 